Disappear.

I don't know exactly what this is. I'm just not...exactly in the happiest of moods lately so, hopefully, this will help me vent some...

***

Vanishing.

Something is vanishing. She feels it in her fingertips, in her toes and even the dead ends of her hair. She feels some part of herself vanishing with every breath she takes.

But, if she's breathing, doesn't that mean she's alive?

She doesn't feel it.

She puts on a smile. Tells everyone she's okay, whatever that means. And just smiles some more.

No one notices. At least they act like they don't if they do.

That's fine with her. It's just something she feels more and more in her gut. Her being isn't necessary. If she were to disappear, no one would care. No one would need her. Even if they missed her, her being doesn't feel like it serves a purpose.

She's just there.

She wants to look at her reflection, convince herself of something. Something that'll prove that she's meaningful but it doesn't work. What's on the outside is just the outside. What purpose does it serve to put so much effort into something that doesn't matter?

What purpose would it serve to put effort into caring about herself?

She raised her hand, the feeling still there. It's becoming a tingling, like that feeling when a part of the body falls asleep and there's a need for circulation. She raises both hands in front of her as the tingling starts running up her arms. It's not a bad feeling but it's not necessarily a good feeling either. It just reminds her that she can feel things and that's something she doesn't really like. There's a peace to feeling numb, even though that destroys any purpose of living.

She stares at her reflection and notices there are tears in her eyes. She wants to be numb again. Wants nothing to matter.

But it hurts either way.

If she feels everything, and she has this odd ability where she feels everything twice as much and she hates it because it's so overwhelming and scary and she hates it because she can't do anything to help. She can't help others when they feel anything but content and happy and satisfied and bold and... She feels everything when they feel something else.

If she doens't feel anything, there's usually only one thing that she's left feeling: like a ghost.

A shell with something swimming alive inside her, her eyes nothing more than windows to the world around her.

No one cares. No one notices. Everything hurts and doesn't hurt at the same time and all the bad stuff she just wants to block it out because it makes everything worse.

She collapses onto her knees. There's a tingling all over and she starts crying some more. She's aware of it now because she can feel the tears running down her cheeks.

She doens't think about where she would go if she were to disappear.

She only wants to know if she wouldn't hurt anymore.