honestly, I know I am ed up. I know I've been disliked before. I know other people are often the cause of my depressive attacks, whether directly, indirectly, or just my mind making things up about their feelings in my head. and I know I am so ing stupid for letting all this get into my head. and I know I need therapy. I know I probaby need medication. I know that I have not taken care of myself in so many ways, especially more recently. I know some of you may think I am some kind of attention . and I know I should be strong and I know things get better.
but all this knowing and I still can't shake the feeling of wanting to leave the earth for everyone elses benefit. I want to just be gone and not have to worry about other people and their possible thoughts about me. but I don't have the strength to do it. every time it crosses my mind and I grab one of the millions of pill bottle around me, I get scared. I don't want to die but at the same time I want nothing more. and it's this constant back and forth in my head that I don't know how to deal with. and I'm so scared I am somehow finally going to get the courage to attempt and regret it. I am so scared of myself and I don't know what to do.
sorry for the rant, was hoping it would help me feel better. I do not know if it even did
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