Self-hatred

52 views

Created Jan 20, 2014 13:52:37

Just a few sentences describing my condition atm. The content may be confusing and not make sense at all .-.

Once again I haven't replied for a few days. I'm sorry for that. It just feels like everything is falling apart and I can't keep myself together anymore. I find anxiety and depression everywhere, mostly in myself. God, I was trying to have a relaxing evening last night, just knitting a sweater in candle light. It lead to the point where I was hyperventilating since the goddamn knitting looked horrible and I messed it up completely. I've done things that I swore I wouldn't do again but I just couldn't help myself. I haven't felt this bad about myself for a long time and I really wish things were like they used to be. I just wish I could live with a paper bag over my head since I hate my looks so much. I hate the way I look, hate the way I talk, the way I act. Just everything. Why can't I find anything good in myself? I disgust myself. Thanks to my heavy medication I've gained weight _a lot_. Even my own mother said that I don't look like myself anymore. People look at me like I'm a freak or something. Or it's just me in my own head, I don't even know anymore. I'm tired of this. I just want to finally be satisfied in myself and not feel like anymore.

Comments

You must be logged in to comment.

arlert 10 years ago

i think your condition is something you can't control, the anxiety part that is, since outsiders can't really do anything to help you with that. what i mean is, even if we suggested anything, it's not like it's actually going to help you a lot, right? because we honestly wouldn't know your case as well as those who are close to you in real life. so i'm going to leave that part out. all i can say is; be strong and hang in there.
have you ever heard of this quote?

"we accept the love we think we deserve."

now i'm not trying to be all artsy or anything, and i don't know if this will be relevant to what i want to say, but i just want you to know; if you can accept the fact that there are people who do love you despite you despising the way you are, then why be so hard on yourself? there is nothing wrong with feeling like that, really, because at some point in our lives we come to hate ourselves and wonder why nothing ever goes right. and that's okay. because when we know someone out there, no matter who, actually gives a damn about all the crap you're going through and going out of his/her way to try to make it all go away and end up failing miserably even though they tried, well.. it makes things feel a little better. just a little. and that's okay, because no matter how much you're going through, at some point you think to yourself that you were loved despite your flaws. correction: you ARE loved. and i want you to remember that.

i'm sorry you're going through this and i just wish i could do something. you know, i was listening to this song called "how to save a life" by the fray and it made me rethink some things. not in a suicidal/death way. it reminded me of.. a regret? i think. so i just thought if i could be there for you, maybe that would make things a little better. even if it's just a little.

orz i'm sorry if this is all too long for you and if it doesn't work out, accept my virtual hug?
/hugs

05eb34c50e33534ff795 10 years ago

Hey. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know it and all but you gotta find it somewhere within yourself the confidence. You gotta love yourself in order for others to do they same too.
The way you see yourself is the way people will see you. I'm not the best looking person in my family but I love myself and my chubbiness and that's what my friends and family loves too.
There's so much things I'm life that the government and peoples expect from us but we are just an individual. We are just who we are. No one is perfect. Those that think they are perfect are insane. This world is filled with imperfect peoples of shapes and sizes. So don't be hard on yourself. Look at the world from another point of view. Live life with what is given to you.