I'm so done.

29 views

AuthorCoordiLeana

Created Apr 1, 2014 03:08:38

I work for a living.

I pay bills.

I am not going to school in favor of keeping another living being alive, and not adding the strain to my family.

My parents are seperated and my dad is now in the process of ruining whatever scrap of sanity I had left.

I have a newborn half sister that my dad won't acknowledge and I'm too scared to go see.

I probably ed up my one big opportunity in my job to really do great things and it's killing me inside.

I'm throwing away all my money for selfish reasons like the ing kpop festival, which doesn't even have a benefit to my career like the horse shows do.

I'm a public speaker/debater with an 86% win record, high ranking state points, flawless district record, only triple state qualifier in the southern district...And I can't even talk on the phone without having a breakdown after I hang up.

I am a coach and judge of two debate teams and a horse riding instructor. This is the only time I ever feel like I'm doing anything right.

My last two years of high school I did nothing but cry, procrastinate, cry more, and throw my future away.

Little did I know, my future didn't involve school. It didn't matter anyway.

My entire life is balanced out by a horse, and I can in no way articulate how much she means to me, but nobody seems to understand that without her I would have overdosed and been dead by now. That is why I talk about her all the time; She is my life and the reason I am alive now.

I have lost more people to death this year than I can even list. People who were better for the world than me. Why did they have to die? Why couldn't it have been me instead?

At the same time I have experienced so many new, wonderful things. Why is it so hard to focus on those? Why is the bad stuff always overshadowing it? I won a lot of money competing this year. I crossed a run off my bucket list. I ran my horse at the track. I went to a music festival. One of the kids I coach beat me at our season finals, one of the proudest moments of my life. I go to work every day and do what I love. Sure it's hard, but I don't ever wake up and regret what my job is. I only regret what I am.

I'm just a stupid kid. I know I'm just a stupid kid. I don't want to be told I am, and then treated like a stupid kid.

Doesn't everybody go through this? That time when you're young and unsure? Why must I be looked down upon?

Comments

You must be logged in to comment.

yeeyee 10 years ago

Oh dear I can relate to you in some ways
Sadly I'm not really good at anything except of one thing
My dreams are now lost and I have a hard time moving on with my life.
I don't know what to do I feel lost and all I ever do is cry
I seek an answer but I get nothingness
All I know is that I know nothing and that whatever the future holds is and will always be a mystery.
No matter what it is that you do, keep in mind that the only person who needs you more than anyone is yourself.
I understand you have family issues and have to work for others, but in the end the one who is working is you
If you do not feel stable you cannot live on. How will you care for others when you can't take care of yourself?
I don't mean this in a wrong way, what I'm trying to get to is that, you have to be selfish for your own good.
It's wonderful that you get to do what you love because I honestly wish I could do what I love without being judged or questioned.
All that bad stuff; think of it as a test. Others will always try to bring you down but if you know who you are and are proud of your achievements then don't stop and mind them, continue your way and keep your head up high.
In my eyes what you do and have accomplished is extremely admirable and I would give anything to achieve as much as you have.
You're a wonderful person and you've proved it. Bad things will happen and it's inevitable, but don't ever give up or lose yourself because of it.
You deserve to love your life so live it. You earn the money, you have full right to it, spend it on whatever you want.
Spoil yourself if you wish, you have that freedom.

Melody94 10 years ago

Micaaa nuuu!!!! You're not stupid, you're pretty and beautiful girl that the stupid people who look down are wasting your precious time ene so you need to prove yourself most importantly and to those who do not appreciate you well.... THEY CAN SHOVE IT ene and you always help others you have a right to spoil yourself somehow and dont give a about what they think of you *huggle* if you need to talk I'm always here or on fb I do worry about you and don't you dare to overdose!!! I will haunt you down and revive you ene

iChoom 10 years ago

You are not a stupid kid.

It's normal to feel like this, I feel like it often.
I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough and I'm going no where.

If your having a good time and everything you need is paid for, why not spoil yourself?
My whole school life felt useless lol felt like I shouldn't have been there.

Don't you dare overdose. My heart literally dropped at the thought :(

Why would you regret who you are?

You're an amazing person, always helpful and always happy when I talk to you. You mean a lot to me even though we haven't spoken as long as others.