Description

murata ugetsu. twenty-one. violinist.

  • ugetsu comes from an affluent family of politicians and diplomats, but because of their lack of interest in taking care of him, he grew up with an absence of warmth and security which ultimately led to his lack of understanding of what it means to love and be loved.
  • along with this, he’s highly regarded as an exceptional violinist by the people around him deeming him as having been bestowed with genius talent — though this only further drove the distance between him making meaningful connections with others. despite his genuine love for music, he found that all it did was condemn him to a path of loneliness where no one would ever see the real ugetsu beyond the fact he was a musical prodigy.
  • so from a young age, all he had was music. while people were mesmerised by the way he connects with music, ugetsu could only ever be his authentic self when he plays the violin on stage. for just those few minutes, he doesn’t need to hold back; in this way, he can fully share his emotions, insecurities, and desires for the world.
  • outside of music, ugetsu always bites his tongue and never speaks from his heart. he makes this music that he creates his only salvation in this cruel life, so without it, he simply can't live. he isn’t able to verbalise his feelings, so when they become all too overwhelming he uses it as an outlet — otherwise, holding it in would have killed him.
  • this leads to him prioritising his music above all else. ugetsu always felt that the world he was born into was so bleak and meaningless, until he found a way to channel this disdain for life into passion. 
  • people would put him on a pedestal, but none would be able to see him simply as a human being. so though ugetsu found himself admired and envied by all, he begins to lose satisfaction from winning competitions or playing well at concerts — in the end, performing just became an obligation he was inclined to commit to as a consequence of being idolised for his gift.
  • he would never allow anyone close enough to truly understand his heart, but in a sense, it was because he could barely understand it himself. though he’s incredibly perceptive of other people, he’s completely blind when it comes to his own wants and needs — this is what ultimately creates the cognitive dissonance inside of him to make him such a contradicting person.
  • ugetsu tends to quickly shift between being affectionate and needy to dismissive and cruel in a heartbeat. between his desire to be loved and his fear of being abandoned, he’s in a constant emotional battle with himself and his conflicting feelings, which leads to him frequently self-sabotaging all of his relationships.
  • he craves the feeling of being loved, but also wants to be left alone; he purposely pushes people away to test whether or not they’d come crawling back with the same desperation he has. he feels that he isn’t worthy of it, so he’s absolutely terrified of being someday left behind.
  • this lack of security causes him to find he’s never satisfied with anything, so he tries to fill the void with whatever he can: he’s compliant towards any ual advances that people make, hoping to receive even an inkling of love in the exchange. but he never allows this anxious attachment to others show; instead, he represses it all until it overflows and he lashes out in violent outbursts that always land him back into his habit of self-destruction. it’s a vicious cycle of contradictions, and he’s trapped in the centre of it with no way out.

( profile under co. )