➛ journaling

[TW: BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF HUMAN EXPERIMENTATION]
4:06 am August 1st, 2020



I had that dream again. I... I just ing hope it's just a dream. I'm going to be driven insane here, Master. I can't check up on you like I normally would, and it's common knowledge that we could share dreams. That's one of the bonds between Master and Servants, it just is. We share dreams and memories, things so we can address our own demons and you get to grow closer with us. When I told you that we would burn the world down for you, we meant it. You Saw Us. You didn't see us as just soldiers or warriors. You talked to us, to me like I was an individual. Like I mattered. I hated your existence so much because you remind me of my original form. Bright, welcoming, warm. You brought hope to everyone, even with those that held very little. Like me, like Dantes.

But being this far from you and I can't even tell if i'm still contracted to you or not. I still have my memories so I believe that i still am contracted, but I can't go back for some reason.

I need a sign, Master. I need to know that you're okay. Please tell me that my dream was just that, a dream. There was so much blood, so much blood. Master, were you in a battle? you need to be careful! you HAVE TO BE CAREFUL! If YOU die, then all the contracts will be null. Who would fight to protect the world as everyone knows it? Who would fight to keep His dream alive?

[a bunch of sentences were scribbled out]
in the dream, I found where they were keeping you. Why couldn't I find anyone? Where was everyone else who was contracted to you? Why were you strapped to that table? [angry scribbles covering original sentences] i dont ing know. You were so lifeless, god--the sight of it made me sick. it made me so angry. I watched them [more angry scribbling] I flew into a rage and the next thing i know, i'm back in this cursed world.

I need to know you're okay.

Please.

12:06 AM • July 28th, 2020

Dear... me?

how to start this off i think a lot of people would struggle with this. oh... well?

it has been a few years since i have been in this new, yet fascinating world. still do not recognize anyone, but not losing hope as always! it amazes me how long it has been since the day i was somehow thrown into this new world... i think most people in this situation could possibly forget their friends in the other world, but not me. it feels as though everything i look at or come across reminds me of everyone. it is a little frustrating... but the flowers here somehow keep me sane. although i do feel lonely... i have heard a few rumors of one person. a boy with red and white hair... i know I should not have my hopes up so high, but i can not help it. yet when i continue to think about it, that could be anyone. the people hear love to have crazy colors, they are not born with those colors like me or others back at home. it is strange, but I guess that is how everyone express themselves?

anyways, back to not getting my hopes up. if this person with red and white hair happens to be who I think it is... then that is wonderful. someone familiar. someone I can trust well enough... but again. I can not get my hopes up over a silly rumor.

this world is just so boring without quirks... maybe when I see my friends I'll ask if they still have their quirks! But, who knows when they will show up... for now I will continue to make people happy with flowers and maybe I will get a cat... they say it is good to have an animal if you are feeling lonely.

Well... for now, good luck!

12:20 AM • July 28th, 2020

—REC START—
▶ timestamp: 07/28/20, 1:08am

The video starts with Hitoka waving nervously to the camera, before the view tips over as she shrieks in the background. A minute passes, and her face comes back into view when she seemingly crouches to pick the fallen camera up, her brows furrowed in obvious distress. "That gave me a heart attack," she murmurs to no one in particular, moving to set the camera back on its (presumably) makeshift stand; a quick flash of the background as she relocates reveals she's in her workroom, the lamp on her drawing desk still on.

Another minute of trying to secure the camera gives a close-up view of her face, and Hitoka eases back, sitting on the couch directly facing the device. "Okay, hi again," she says, fingers tugging on the sleeves of her too-large sweater to cover her hands. "I don't know how to do this, but. For now, video log #1?"

Hitoka lets out an exhale, purses her lips, and switches to a more comfortable position. "So! Today marks the fifth year since I've arrived in this world; time flies, doesn't it?" She chuckles, but it's more wistful than anything else. "I was 18, back then–an incoming university freshman in Tokyo. Honestly, I didn't trust myself enough to go, but the entire team was adamant about me taking my skills somewhere better; Miyagi's too... small, they said." The tiniest hint of a smile appears on her face at the memory, faraway look in her eyes indicating that she was reminiscing; biting on her lip, she resumes: "And so I did. Mom decided to move with me, which was a good thing–said she didn't trust me enough to be on my own yet, and I couldn't even fault her for that."

"Back to the main topic at hand: five years. Who would've thought that I'd be stuck in this world for five long years?" There's a mixture of disbelief and exasperation on her face as she lifts her legs and hugs her knees close to her chest. "When I assured everyone back home that I'd be expanding my horizons, getting whisked away to somewhere entirely foreign wasn't it. Heck, even after five years I still get so scared of getting lost in this concrete jungle; like I'm here, but. It doesn't exactly give off the feeling of home." Hitoka sighs, a hand coming up to scratch at her cheek as she thinks of more words to say–it was obvious that she still wasn't the social butterfly she would have liked to be. "But yeah... I guess it did have its pros, coming here. I learned how to work, to earn money for my needs; I learned how to pay my bills, to be a proper citizen, without asking Mom how."

"Sometimes I ask myself, 'What if I hadn't been isekai-d? Would I have become more mature?' And the answer was glaringly obvious–no." She swallows thickly, telltale signs of sadness evident in her hunched stature and watery eyes, the small sniffle from her nose. "So I guess I have to thank whatever higher being is out there, for bringing me here. Was this their way of telling me to really take my friends' advices to heart? I don't know. But one thing is sure: I miss everyone." A sweater-paw comes up to wipe the few tears that managed to escape the rims of her eyes, and she pauses, eventually hiding her face in her hands as the minutes tick by; a soft sob wracks her petite frame and she rides through it, uncaring of the video at this point. Van Gogh jumps onto the couch and into frame, purring as he rubs against Hitoka's thigh.

Sitting upright again, Hitoka takes a deep breath as if to steel herself and restarts, her voice heavy with emotion. "Everyday I think of how Mom would've done this, done that; I think of Hinata-kun, who must be having the time of his life abroad; I think of Kiyoko-san, whom I had promised to meet the day I disappeared. Are they doing alright? Did they realize I was gone?" A forced, wet laugh leaves her lips. "All I could do was hope–that they would all be okay, that they'd carry on with their lives. It would just be unnecessary to wallow in worry."

"I know you won't ever see this, but Mom–I'm doing alright," she smiles to the camera, albeit made unconvincing by her current state of emotion. "I didn't become a graphic designer like you, but I did become an artist! The company pays great, and a lot of people love the mangas I draw–I hope you'd be able to read them, too. I can cook fancy dishes now," her grin becomes more sheepish, "but I still tend to get confused between detergent and fabric conditioner. When I do, it reminds me of you berating me about it. Oh, and next time, I'll show you my apartment–it's on the 21st floor, and the view is just wonderful. You would've loved it here, Mom." She picks Van Gogh up and cuddles him close, smiling at the camera. "And THIS baby boy, I hope you get to meet soon, too."

Hitoka pauses and bites her lower lip, seemingly trying to gather her thoughts as she places her cat on her lap and absentmindedly behind his ear. "To Karasuno, you guys told me that Tokyo was vast, and my dreams were meant to take shape there; bet you didn't think I'd go even further, huh? Somewhere more... unknown, but thankfully in a good way." She winks at the camera and snickers, reaching out of frame to retrieve her water canteen and taking a few sips from it before resuming: "Thank you. For everything, really. Your faith in me knew no bounds, so I'll make sure to hang in there, until the day I get back. I'll bring copies of my mangas for everybody when I do!" A giggle threatens to rise from at the mental image of the boys together, reading a shoujo manga; that'll be the day, she guesses.

"I guess that's it for now; it's early morning here, and I still need to finish a few more pages of beta. Here's to hoping I get to do this again, soon! I'll make sure to update you guys about my days here. I love you, Mom. Karasuno, fight!"

◼ timestamp: 07/28/20, 1:42am
—REC STOP—

Edit -
In hindsight I’d say it's just weird,,, but I’m absolutely terrified. I’m in a constant fear of what will happen next, will I graduate in time? Will I be able to pay off my bills? Will I get to keep my job for a bit longer? It’s scary having no one to turn to when everything goes south. For once in my life I think I'm about to lose it. My mind can’t help but think about the worst possible thing that could happen. It’s terrifying knowing that I don’t have any guidance in this world since my parents aren’t here. It’s not like I don’t have a plan, I do- but it’s scary knowing that there's no reassurance of the future. Especially when I’m not even sure if this reality is permanent, what if I get into a completely different one again? I’d rather not just do it all over again. It’s not fun or safe at all physically and mentally. It’s not healthy for me. Oh and I’m not that talkative, but I dislike that there aren’t people who I can tell my worries to instantly, I mean how often can you relate to someone who suddenly gets pushed into another world. It sounds fake and ridiculous, like some generic manga trope. Above all though I’m hopeful, well- I need to be hopeful technically, for myself and for once I don’t think it’s selfish. I think I’ll end this here for now, I need to empty the rest of my thoughts and get some sleep. It’s five am, that’s it for now. Good night.

Change -
I didn't have to go to work nor class for a few days and finally have the time for myself. I think it's good, although I'm not hoping that this happens often, but by pure chance I hope there will be more moments. I've realized that I've changed-- a lot since I've come to this new world even though others who've known me before might say otherwise. I think it's because I had to adapt to living, deciding, providing and surviving by myself. Even though I did make some friends in this world, they wouldn't understand suddenly entering a new existence with just whatever you had in your pocket. I hadn't played volleyball in a while which is sad but is due to a valid reason- I have to work now. My parents aren't here and suddenly I have to do everything myself, it's weird. Don't get me wrong I wasn't ridiculously sheltered or anything but that doesn't change the fact that being alone is hard. I miss them.

On the brighter side, I'm graduating soon, I hope I get to take up an editing job or something related- It'll definitely be more than what I have at the moment. Oh, speaking of at the moment, that's another thing that's changed. Apparently I can stand children now; I used to be so against even touching them. They're rowdy, noisy, and just a lot at once but I guess they're okay; they're pretty adorable and behaved when you pull the right strings. I never knew daycares could be fulfilling and fun. Hmm, I guess the last thing that's new is that I’m cooking a bit better now, well I had to learn how to cook. It’s cheaper in the long run but in all honesty take outs still really hit different- I still have them from time to time, just less. I think these are the most notable changes for now, I’ll write more about it later.