@－ ❛ s ❜：emerald de lisle。⁰⁴ Confusion. It was probably the only emotion Kaladin felt that day, running back and forth between classes and people and duties, barely able to check his phone for several hours, only to find what seemed like a rather urgent text message summoning him to the Quad. Out into the cold. In the middle of February. He knew he was probably running late, Emerald's text message with the time and place to meet her seen too late and he all but sprinted from the fifth floor to the Great Hall, earning himself several yells of protests from the professors he passed on his way out into the open, wheezing out a: "Hi, I'm here what's- uh. Is that a guitar?"
His eyebrows shot up beneath his unruly fringe of dark locks, fingers nervously feeling along the spine of the notebook he was clutching against his lap as he sank down on the bench Emerald had pointed out, eyes traveling up and down her form in confusion and, frankly, a little bit of concern. Even though it wasn't snowing anymore, the wind was biting cold, harsh against the skin, what with his fingers hurting from the cold the second he had stepped out into the Quad. "Babe, what...", he started, chuckling nervously and about to reach out to her to pull her into his lap and keep her warm, perhaps wrap her up in his robes to keep the freezing air away from her skin, only for him to pause, mind coming to a screeching halt when the first soft tunes of the guitar sparked to life around them. And so he sat there, in stunned silence, blinking rapidly up at her as he soft, beautiful voice d against the tender spots in his soul, eyes growing fond and warm, the most tender of smile soon gracing his lips, growing wider the longer she was singing to him. A songbird of spring, in the middle of winter, truly. "So", he said as soon as the last note rang out, pushing himself to his feet to gently remove the guitar from her grasp, putting it down against the bench, only for him to wrap his arms around her and look down at her, head cocking to the side. "You've been lying to me, Emerald de Lisle. You /do/ dabble in music. Thank you, my love. That was beautiful. You are beautiful. I... I honestly don't know what to say."
@－ ❛ ɢ ❜：kaladin ravenwood。⁰⁴ It was unlike her, really, to put herself out in front of prying eyes, left vulnerable underneath a spotlight she voluntarily put herself in. She attracted attention quite easily, there was no doubt about that, what with her commanding presence and an impartial aura about her, that (to her distaste) somehow intrigued others. Maybe it was her position as prefect, or maybe it was for the sole interest with her being the daughter of a known sports player. Regardless, the reason never mattered to her; she hated the attention she got, and she would never purposefully put herself in a position to get it. That was, until today. There she was, in the middle of the Quad, grass rustling underneath her boots as she shifted her weight anxiously, eyes trained on the device she held in her hand. She looked up every so often, frantic, whenever someone would pass through the pillars of the arches nearest to the walls of the castlle, only to be let down by the face of someone else. Someone other than him. And every single time, she ran her fingers through her hair, or looked down at the dress she wore, smoothing out any imperfection that wasn’t actually there, before shifting her gaze back to the door in hopes that he’d walk through any second.
“Is he close yet?” she’d message her friend, who was waiting by the entrance to the castle, for the sixth time in the past minute, to which he responded with a, “No.” At one point he excused himself to the bathroom, claiming that he had been holding it in for too long, and dejected, Emerald let him, despite her ever-growing apprehension with every tick of the clock. The wait was painstakingly long, though it has only been ten minutes, and at one point, she allowed herself to sit on the bench, wavy hair falling around the sides of her face as she hung her head down low in self reproach, scolding her own heart for racing the way it did. Emerald never got nervous. She was always so calm. So collected. And yet, she had the urge to pull her hair out if it took him a minute longer to arrive. With the heave of a sigh, she lifted her head, just in time to see him approach the grassy area, just behind the sets of pillars. Emerald never got nervous. Never. Not even when she was scrambling out of her seat, brushing back the strands of hair that got caught in her lashes as she flashed the largest smile that barely lingered for a second.
“Um. Hi, baby. Can you sit down there for me? And uh…” she trailed off, turning around to pick up her guitar from where it leaned against the bench, pulling the strap up and over her head as she cleared . The smile gracing her visage was shy, but nothing short of the love that was clear in her eyes. “Happy Valentine’s Day, my love.”
With a strum of her guitar, she began to sing. For the first time in front of him, in front of anyone in the school. But it wasn’t to share her gift, nor was it to attract attention. Not at all. Emerald never did grand gestures. But for him, for the apology that she never got to finish on the day they shed tears and left themselves vulnerable with the tearing of a thin veil separating them, she would. She did, at that very moment, standing in front of him in a dress that barely kept her warm in the cold weather, with her guitar against her stomach, with a voice loud enough for him and several others to hear. But she didn’t care about the cold, didn’t even shiver once. If she did, it wasn’t because it was of the breeze that blew past her face. For the first time, Emerald stood there, nervous as if it was her first case of stage fright. But when she sang that first line, her uneasiness dissipated. Perhaps, she hoped, this would banish any doubts he had — if he still had any — and be certain that her love for him extended past closed doors, where no one else could see.
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：silas ciarán。⁰⁴ Kaladin found himself humming along to the musings of his friends, an incredulous smile tugging at the corners of his lips and growing wider with each word Silas uttered, eyes flickering back and forth between the piece of toast still held gingerly between the other prefect's fingers and his face, eyebrows lifting beneath his unruly raven fringe. The coffee cup between his fingers was a gentle warmth against his lap, balanced carefully on his thigh, fingers pressing into the white ceramic as he ran his thumb along the seam of the lid, gaze finally traveling away from Silas' features and up the castle towards the brilliantly blue sky. "I doubt it. That makes it sound like they're drugging us. Wait. It would make sense. No more toast for me", he scoffed with a small push to the side, their shoulders knocking together ever so fleetingly. For a moment he allowed himself to simply sit there, breathing in crisp, icy air, listening as Silas fell quiet and then spoke up again, the smile on his face a little unsettling. "If you were trying to hide it, mate, you failed miserably", Kaladin shot back quietly, his joking words a stark contrast to his voice, dripping with worry. "Abysmal acting." The silence that seized him at Silas' addition was uncomfortable, mouth opening and closing as he searched for words, a scalding sip of coffee soon chasing down a flood of words that threatened to bubble over - and surely make it worse for his friend.
"Because she's transferring schools, right?", he asked then, the question tumbling from his lips like someone would trip up a flight of stairs, balancing fragile goods between their hands, only to drop them, shattering them on the floor. An unfortunate chain of sentences and assumptions and, in the end, events.
" But you guys do know that the internet exists, right? You don't have to break up because she's- oh. Oh that's... not the reason, is it?"
@－ ❛ ɢ ❜：kaladin ravenwood。⁰⁴ "Maybe they add a little invigoration draught in the dough mixture. Merlin knows how much we need the stimulation to stay alive while we study late into the nights," he rapped, leaning his head away from Kaladin's touch. Though the two were close enough friends, Silas' aversion to touch from others prevailed time and time again. He was simply just not used to it. Even though the bread was nearly done being devoured, the vile feeling in his stomach he had felt for days slowly came seeping back as his friend questioned him. The piece of toast no longer seemed appetizing. As adept as Silas had become with storing his emotions away, away from those who wished to penetrate his mind and read into his thoughts, perhaps his abilities to do so weakened from all of the energy he spent attempting to keep his emotions from surfacing. He had failed himself yet again but in front of Kaladin, his good friend, it felt like anything but defeat. The Ravenclaw male ripped small pieces of toast and tossed them onto the floor for any nearby birds, a wide albeit mournful smile soothing across his lips. "I haven't been hiding it all that well, haven't I?" he paused for a second, taking in a breath of the cold air, bracing himself for the words that hadn't yet been spoken by him before in all of his twenty-three years of living. "Aspen and I... we've decided to part ways. We broke up, if that's.. how they say it."
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：silas ciarán。⁰⁴ "Again", Kaladin pointed out with a snort, poking Silas in the cheek with a single digit, snickering as he did so. "It is bread, Silas. You don't need a recipe for bread, mate." With a fond roll of his eyes he reached for his wand, a quick flick of his wrist wiping the bench clean of the slightly frozen snow, the delicate powder swept up by yet another gust of wind, curling up into the sky like glittering stars, caught in a ray of gentle sunlight. "Are you talking about the Dementor attack, the murder in London or are we finally going to talk about why you're walking around these halls like Darth Vader with an optionally booked dark cloud above your head?" His question was nonchalant, conversationally even, but his eyes were dark with worry as he sank down onto the bench, taking a sip from his coffee, breath a white cloud before him when he slowly exhaled, raising his eyebrows in expectation at his friend. "And if you tell me" He raised his free hand, fingers painting quotation marks into the winter air between them. "It's nothing? I'm going to hex you. You know I will."
@－ ❛ ɢ ❜：kaladin ravenwood。⁰⁴ realizing how ridiculous he must have sounded to his friend, the ravenclaw male gave the other a sheepish smile, cheeks full and round from the bread he just stuffed into his mouth. "no, i jus—" his words were muffled by both a laugh and the bread. he quickly swallowed his food down then continued. "my appetite just hasn't been the greatest with everything that's been going on, so... this bread feels like a holy grail to me right now." silas seated himself down on an empty bench but immediately regretted his decision and opted to stand when the frigid surface iced his behind. "hopefully they'll still have some when we head back in. maybe i should ask the house elves for their recipe.."
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：silas ciarán。⁰⁴ The wind was biting, like needles on the skin if one didn't turn their face away from the gusts of ice that were sweeping across the ground with a vengeance, icicles clinking above the great double doors the prefects slipped out of, the chatter flowing from the great hall behind them cutting off abruptly. "Mate", Kaladin snorted with a glance to the side, gloved fingers cradling his reusable cup of coffee against his chest, woolen hat pulled so low over his forehead it was brushing over his eyebrows when he raised them at his friend. "That's... bread. It's literally toasted bread. Did you fall out of bed and hit your head or...?"
@－ ❛ ɢ ❜：kaladin ravenwood。⁰⁴ after racing to the great hall and grabbing a quick breakfast, silas marched out to the quad with kaladin. the sun was high in the sky, but the grounds were still covered in wintry sleet—the wind, chilling, as it swept on by. the steam from the warm toast trapped between his teeth wisped into the air before he pulled at the bread, tearing off a piece in the process. "it might just be my previous lack of appetite but--this bread is really good. did you have some of it yet?" silas asked, staring down at the piece of toast in his hand as though it were his first time eating such a scrumptious thing.
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：maël clair。⁰² ( H ) Cassian dared to take another glance around the small space of the quad and saw no dark blue, only white settled on everything like a white sheet. The students were supposed to be in class, busy with lectures instead of playing a silly prank on him. It must have been a charming spell cast on him specifically, while Mal remained unaffected - or if he was affected, he sure was handling it far better than Cass. The worst part was that the sick joke was not over yet for him or perhaps the spell had lingering effects, he couldn’t be sure. but how else could he explain why the words leaving Mal's mouth sounded as if they were coming from a well, so far away, when they couldn't get any more physically close than they were.
The sounds of waves crashing at stones were still there in the background and he swore he could hear a muffled scream, piercing and yet drowned out. Cass prayed it would stay far away, drown to death. He needed to leave the area.. there was no way he could ever come back to this place without being reminded of their awful fight or the damn siren screams, cold hands dragging him underwater by his ankles. "What are you saying?" he exhaled a shaky breath and blinked confused at the other, having only heard the last bit of his sentence clearly. He tried to focus on Mal’s heartbeats again, they calmed him down. "calling me what names?" he bit his lower lip. His eyes must have been visibly swollen, on merlin he must look so pathetic, he thought. “can we leave, please? we will catch a cold if we stay here.” he huffed out a breathy laugh, brushing the specks of snow off of the black and blue robe and then his hair, allowing himself to run his fingers through the blonde strands of Mal’s hair. The wet hair look suited him. Watching him calmed Cassian and the melody of the song he had composed for Mal slowly replacing the ugly noises in his head. “let’s go.”
@－ ❛ ʜ ❜：cassian faye。⁰³ he felt as though cass was slipping out - he was uncertain why, but somehow he felt a bit colder. the feeling was altered by the embrace, mal felt much better knowing cass was in his arms – even if he betrayed him, he wanted him there. was it toxic – that he wanted all of him, he wanted to drown in everything he had to offer, be it lies or sweet deceit. mal wanted to beat himself up for that, he promised not to forgive liars – promise he kept very well before meeting cass. maybe, maybe – no, he erased those thoughts as soon as they came. there was no concept of ‘love’, not the love his parents had (or rather did not have) – it was just affection, and that was all.
his heart skipped a beat at the pet name – and mal was certain cass felt it, given his heart was still beating so fast. there was something about it that made his heart drop in his stomach – especially the way cass said it. he did not mean it to sound like that, mal was sure. but given he just cried, the combination of the rough voice and the word he dreaded on everyone’s lips – merlin’s beard, did he want to kiss him. it did not matter they just had a terrible fight, mal wanted to mend it, seal it. and to passionately tell cass why he did not let go, even if he was tempted to. he held back, but his grip got tighter, fingers digging into thick clothes.
he closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. he ran his fingers through cass’ hair briefly to hold him close and warm. his heart started slowing down as he was finally able to relax – it was close, so close. he managed to speak after a while, only softly, almost like a whisper. “I forgive you too,” he pressed another peck on cass’ cheek, wiping more tears away. he placed another peck under cass’ eye, where it started to swell up because of his crying. “I am also getting mixed signals with the ‘babe’. so unless you want to continue crying , I suggest you find another name,” he looked at cass, joining in at trying to lighten up the mood. “or, I will start calling you names too.”
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：maël clair。⁰² The quiet was unsettling, eerie in a way that made his hands feel jittery and his legs to spasm slightly as if the cold shivers had resided in him for longer than the minutes they had sat there. He knew Mal wasn't someone who would sit and stay quiet for too long. He had expected many reactions from the other -for him to cut his long explanation or make snide side comments on how he passionately hated liars and for how long more was Cassian planning to lie in his face or keep secrets. Maybe a sigh or simply shake of head, anything but this stagnant energy. Admittedly the stillness terrified him more. It was as if he had entered a new and dangerous territory. He felt as he was walking on thin ice that shattered just a little more with each step he took, cracks running just a little deeper with every word that left his mouth, with every tear that filled his eyes and ran down his cheeks. And yet no movement from Mal.
He knew then, that this was their worse fight. He knew this time the pain would linger even after they would get back together -if they did..if. 'I'd let you listen to it' it was almost out of his mouth, as a desperate attempt to win Mal back. However, he never got the chance to say those words as the younger threw himself at Cass. The second his heels lifted the ground and his hands disconnected from the bench, it felt as he was falling. Not feel...no. He was falling. Between the cracks on the ice, into a freezing cold water. Even with his eyes open what he saw wasn't the familiar cream-colored stone walls, nor the blacked ribbed vaults lining up the hallways. Everything looked crooked and submerged underwater, the unrelenting waves crashing against the windows, the ceiling, not stopping as if they were reaching up to drown the whole place. Including Cassian, who had stopped breathing. He felt soft lips against his cheeks, against his forehead and the words "I believe you" broke through the deafening sounds in his ears, reaching out to him like a rescue buoy, pulling him out of the deep.
His head fell forward on Mal's shoulder as he breathed in shakily. Expecting water to fill his lungs but finding that the illusion was gone as he opened his eyes. It had to be an illusion, right? A sick mind game someone was playing on him? Was he being sent images against his will? but who had that power and what spell was it, why would they use it against him..he didn't know the answer to any of his questions, so he gave up. He didn’t want to entertain the idea that maybe, maybe no one else but him is the cause. He held onto Mal as the other hugged him again, breathed in and out while counting their heartbeats, feeling the world right itself. “I forgive you. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry,” he planted a kiss on Mal’s shoulder and pressed his face in the other’s nape. “Calm down, babe.. your heartbeats are going crazy.” he huffed out a quiet laugh.
@－ ❛ ʜ ❜：cassian faye。⁰³ even if it went against his nature, he listened silently. he was so silent, that there was barely any puff of smoke forming when he breathed out hotly in the cold – he was struggling to keep it together. he did not look at him, but he heard him – and his heart was beating so fast inside of his chest, it was threating to come out at any given moment. he went overboard, he felt so stupid. but his pride did not let him admit he was in the wrong – no, anyone can get mad over such thing, right? the more he thought about it, the less it made sense. cass’ story, on the other hand, made sense. it was an accident, a happy coincidence – and mal wished he were the one to walk in on cass, to listen to his music, his creation. he knew it was good – he wanted to tell cass those words cass never believed, he would say all of them truthfully because he believed them. he was not stupid, and he knew cass fairly well – he knew he locked in him more insecurities than anyone could tell.
it was probably why mal liked hugging him without any context. overlooking his touchy nature, because even without it, he would have hugged cass a lot. he wanted to hold him, to tell him everything was alright – and those voices that keep screaming in his head are not lying. mal knew those demons, he fought those demons. he did not want to open the cage that cass struggled to close every time he closed his eyes – on merlin’s beard, he felt like a fool. the variation in tone caught his attention. he heard cass’ voice breaking down – mal stopped breathing. it hurt so much, he could not exhale – physically, he felt paralysed. and he dared looking at him now – tears streaming down cass’ beautiful face. mal’s heart broke once again, but he ignored the pain. he knew that cass was sincere – he did not cry easily, not that mal knew of. it took one tear, and red eyes to make him forget everything.
mal wrapped his arms around cass so quickly he almost lost his balance throwing himself at his friend like that. he hugged him so tight, and hid his face in the many layers of clothes he had on. and tighter – mal could have suffocated for all he cared, he needed to hold him. after a while, he broke the hug and cupped cass’ cheeks, wiping away residue of tears cass did not manage to wipe away himself. and he did not need to think, he did not have to – he leaned in, and pressed his soft lips against cass’ cheeks. he was stupid, he made him cry – and it hurt him, it already haunted him. “I believe you,” he said under his breath, and pressed a long peck on cass’ forehead – he wanted to drown him in affection, mal was just as fragile as him in these moments. “I am so sorry, I should have asked,” he sighed, and wrapped his arms around cass once more, keeping him close, so close he probably felt just how fast mal’s heart was beating through thick layers of clothes.
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：maël clair。⁰² "I do not want to end it." did those words make him feel relieved or at least comforted? Maybe they should have and maybe they do. Hard to distinguish when all Cassian had been doing for the past few minutes standing in the cold, was pushing his emotions into drawers in his mind, locking them and burying them under mountains of snow. The side of him that wanted to rejoice with mal -run to him, hug him tight and apologize again and again- that voice was screaming in his head, but his heart continued beating too slow as if it was suffocating. He almost huffed out an incredulous laugh at how small Mal sounded, but that would have been too cruel and even though the idea of returning the favor urged him to go on: hurt him as he had done you. He held back. Perhaps it was the way the other avoided eye contact, how his strong frame shook slightly due to cold and his face remained devoid of the usual excitement upon seeing the snow fall. ‘you did that! Look at him! the only thing you bring him is pain’ a treacherous whisper in the air, and Cassian opens yet another drawer, shoves the guilt in it. tries to, at least.
Cassian closed the distance between them and sat down on the other side of the bench, not caring of the water seeping into his robe. His hands reached automatically toward the other and suddenly stopped midway, lowering as he came to his senses. Mal wanted an explanation, and he was waiting, Cass knew better than make him wait any longer. who knew, maybe he’d get tired and leave and what was Cass supposed to do then? “you heard from River right? we are working on a song together, it’s just a short- time thing. He has his own music and I have my own. do you..you know sometimes I sneak out in the middle of the night to go play the piano in the music room, right? I was practicing a song that I wrote,” he took a deep breath and cursed under his breath, hating how long it was taking for him to get the words out, his shoulders had started to shake unbeknownst to him. It didn’t help that he couldn’t judge Mal’s reactions as he kept his eyes away, staring at the snowflakes hitting the ground and forming a blanket of white. He couldn’t be distracted before he finished what he had to say. “he walked on me when I was playing and insisted I play it again. he said it sounded good.. that it made him want to write and and I could have denied him that, but he sounded so sincere and touched that I let him hear its entirety.. listen Mal, I didn’t want you to feel betrayed! I don’t hide my songs from you specifically...they’re just not good enough yet. And he thought I did well? I don’t know why, he didn’t have any reason to lie.. but I’m not good enough yet” his tone had changed, telltale for his tears. He was never as good as Mal at keeping his tears back when they fought, this time it was no exception as his tears fell down his cheeks.
Swallowing the lump in his throat and letting out a shaky breath he wiped angrily at his cheeks. Was this how it felt to tell the truth? because it didn’t feel any better. It made him feel weak, and he didn’t want mal to think he was weak. But if it was between coming off as fragile or losing his friend, then the decision was easy to make. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you..” Cass apologized first as he knew he should, even though he was hurt badly. Paying to his own hurt feelings could be done later, he knew he’d eventually forgive Mal at the end, like he always did when Mal threw a tantrum.
@－ ❛ ʜ ❜：cassian faye。⁰³ he waited for nothing, expected nothing, wanted nothing. it felt as though he fell into void – emptiness, silence, and pain. there was a burning in his chest he could not really explain, and if he knew better, he would have called it a heartbreak. betrayal hurts worse than any physical injury, even those very severe. mal held onto the bench now, hands clenched around the wood, as if he wanted to break it – as if that would make him feel better. he would punch the air, punch anything just to make it stop. he did not like himself very much at the moment, he did not like how he reacted – was it too much? no, it should not be. but sometimes, he knew he overreacted. and to say everything in front of cass’ friends – he was sorry, he felt guilty.
the reason for his outburst slipped out of his mind, and cass’ face was clearer. his smile, his laugh, the way he reached a hand out to help him get up from the snow. the memory made him smile, he remembered pulling cass in the snow soon after, only to eat some snow himself. it was a bitter smile, one that only helped the tears stay in – he bit his lip, he should not smile. he wanted to apologise, how badly did he want to. however, he also wanted to punish cass for lying again – his mind, and heart were confused. they tried to sort things out, but somehow, they could not. his mind reminded him of all the reasons why he did not push cass away – his comforting touch, the way they shared a common interest for music, the way he liked watching cass write down notes and everything else. even if he never listened for too long, he knew he was talented. and sometimes he would play with his fingers, and compliment them – how they were perfectly suited for a piano, how they spoke all those notes they played.
when he heard his voice, his heart dropped in his stomach. there was anger piling up, but mostly regret. he was there, willing to speak his part. did mal want to listen? he did not want more lies, but knew fair well lies might comfort him. he looked at cass pained, the sadness in his eyes gathering like clouds on stormy days. and soon enough, there will be rain. and soon enough, he will want to hold his hand, to hold him and say ‘sorry’. he had to clear his throat before speaking. “I do not want to end it,” his voice sounded small compared to cass’ loud bellow, and he looked away. the coldness reached his skin, and he had to lift his scarf a little. and he wished he could hug cass right now and tell him how much he would miss him, if he were to go away. but he could not – his hurting prevented him from doing so. or maybe his pride. he spoke again, his voice a little muffled by the scarf. “tell me your side.”
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：maël clair。⁰² The numbness started from the tips of his fingers, the icy claws of anxiety gripping his arms and climbing higher and higher until their threatening to close around his throat. This sort of numbness wasn’t welcome, it was not the numbness that made the voices in his head clear, nor did it make the deeply engraved pain in his chest cease. This numbness was pins and needles, spreading to every cell of his body so quickly. He had to stop it. He was in the corridor leading to the great hall and anyone could be walking up to him any second. He will be damned if he lets someone see him this vulnerable after hiding it so well for years. Things were getting better! They were! Damn Mal for ruining everything. How can he possibly think Cassian would let him in..when he can so easily turn his world upside down and that's without knowing half of the truth? No, that can never happen. Cass has given him enough power. knew that well, like how he knew he couldn’t lose control here in this open hallway.
He brought his arms behind him, pressing the cold trembling hands against the wall with all his weight in hope to stop the shaking, while focusing on taking deep breaths in and out for a count of four with each inhale and exhale. Feeling the air slowly fill his chest and leave it until his heartbeats calmed down, he pushed off the wall and let his feet lead him to his dorm room, his body on autopilot, it was once he reached his room and sat on the bed that he realized that he had basically abandoned his books and pens in the quad. Besides, he still owed his friends an apology, an explanation for the mess. He could only hope none of the people in the quad would be gossiping about them. If his parents find out that he was being shamed now and had become the topic of nasty gossip of muggle-borns - lucky for him that the only person around to hear the frustrated noise that came out of his mouth was his roommate- who now was approaching Cass cautiously and the thought of getting pitied by one of Mal’s boys annoyed him even more. That was it, wasn’t it? The fact that he knew despite being Cassian’s childhood friend, henri would side with Mal.
“I forgot something in the quad.” he said abruptly, while getting up and leaving the dorm, pausing in front the door when the familiar scent -a mix of paint and sweet flowers- hit him. That is just great, now he’s imagining the scent of him, isn’t that just ing fantastic. Once he reached the quad instead of seeing his friends, his met with a shaking figure sitting alone at one of the benches. Cassian lost track of how long he stood there staring, until snow started falling, the cold droplet melting on his cheek pulling him out of the trance he was in. There was no way he was going to end their friendship like this, he thought to himself as he quietly walked up to the ravenclaw. His voice echoed lowly in the empty space, stable despite the turmoil in his core and the snowstorm that threatened to take over his brain. “I know you said you don’t want to see me again, but it’s only fair if you let me talk my piece before you end it, right?”
@－ ❛ ʜ ❜：cassian faye。⁰³ the moment he left he regretted it. there was still anger in his step, but it subsided the longer what he said sank in. sometimes, he was a little too hot-headed and quick to judge. his steps felt a lot more melancholic now, with bits of regret pinching every nerve. it was not what cassian said, or did not say. he could hear himself bellow those words that he knew fair well will hurt cassian, and no matter how annoyed he got, he should not have spoken them. pushing him to the edge – cassian liked to do that, whether he was doing it on purpose or not. he stopped in an empty hallway after a while, his heart pounding against his chest, his breath irregular. there was nobody around, he could fall down and cry, he wanted to – being so close to christmas made him prone to overreact and to break down. he wanted to go back to his room, he knew mint should be back there any minute. he wanted a hug, he needed one. but he was scared that if he did receive it, he will just let it all out.
he stayed like that for a while, leaning against the cold wall, thinking about what he said. he did not listen to cass’ story, he knew there was a possibility it was a lie. he knew that if cassian felt threatened, he would do anything to defend himself. he saw that, felt that, experienced that – he knew him pretty well, yet, his unexpected repeated betrayal strangled his heart. he told himself he will never talk to him again, he will cut him off, keep him at a distance. but, he could not. there was something about him, and it annoyed mal greatly. he cut liars off quicker than one would say ‘biscuit’, but cassian…
he moved as if a snake has bitten him. he started running down the hallway, all the way to the ground floor. he went outside, half an hour passed, so there were no more people around. he caught his breath, and ran to the basement, he needed to see him, he had to. he was close by, but something kept him from going to the entrance of the hufflepuff common room. he bit his lip, and rested against another cold wall. he needed to think this through, he started the fight, he cannot just show up and expect cassian to forgive him for getting jealous, for hurting when he perhaps should not. gods, he really wanted to hug him and apologise, fall in his arms and just melt in pain. he clenched his fists, he wanted to punch something – maybe himself.
in the end, he could not do it. he was forced to walk out into the quad, and find a silent corner to sit in. like a hurt puppy, when realising there is no way he can escape his cage. he should have gone back to his room to seek comfort from his best friend – but just thinking of the word ‘friend’ pained him. he was visibly sad, and knowing how happy he usually appeared to be, it was quite odd to see him moping in a corner. he was glad there was nobody around, he could not deal with explaining his situation to anyone but his close friends. he waited, for nothing. he hated the cold, and the wind was getting stronger. he hugged his shoulders, and stayed like that. as if punishing himself, as if waiting for a time turner that would fix what he just broke.
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：maël clair。⁰² Cassian let out the breath he was unconsciously holding once the wand wasn’t pointed at his throat anymore. He opened his mouth to explain, it was all a misunderstanding! He hadn’t concealed his music from Cassian because he wanted to and River was not supposed to hear the song in the first place. “Listen.. I didn’t mean to!” his words didn’t even seem to register with Mal as his eyes were red trimmed and his frame shook with anger. Cassian’s heart clenched at the thought of seeing the boy cry and at the same time it brought an ugly bitter thought to his head. What had he done to deserve such an extreme overreaction?
Hearing his friend’s next words floored him, he felt the periphery of his vision darken and his chest constrict. How?! How dare Mal accuse him without even giving him a chance to explain himself? He dared a glance at his friends to see their reaction, perhaps disappointment laced with distrust, but their faces were blurry, making him close his eyes and pray to merlin it wasn’t happening again. He could not afford to have a panic attack here in the courtyard. Yes he had lied. Yes he pretend. Pretended to be someone he wasn’t. But it was all for a reason. ‘You don’t even know half of the story.’ is what he wanted to scream back, but all the words that formed on his lips were a weak "please, don't".
Who was Mal to crush the friendships he worked so hard to keep? By befriending the Ravenclaw and staying with him despite the fits he threw on a whim, Cassian had accepted the drama that came with their relationship, but he didn’t anticipate it will come to this point. To the point that whom he had once called his best friend would shame him in public and use his vulnerability against him in such a cruel manner. There were no ounce of remorse in his eyes as he shouted those words and that was perhaps the worst part, the ill intention behind the venomous words. He wanted Cassian to hurt, and he had succeeded.
“you okay?” he heard to his left. What a joke..was he ever okay? Pressing his hands in fists, he breathed in a shaky breath and gave them a weak smile while bending down to pick up his books. His friend took the books from him and assured him she’ll hold onto them for him. Maybe she knew Cassian would follow the boy who left after the storm he caused, and it was true. Except the boy wasn’t in the courtyard anymore. ‘Coward! Running away..would he really be okay with never seeing me again?’ Once turning down a few corridors until the halls were empty, he let his guard down and leaned against the wall and clutched his head, it was pounding and his breathing was irregular.
@－ ❛ ʜ ❜：cassian faye。⁰³ if cassian having other friends did not bother him before this interaction, it completely affected him now. it was not that he did not want cass to have other friends, he wanted him to have loads of friends – he cared for him, he wanted him to go out there and explore. no, it was the fact that he would choose someone else over him – and perhaps there was a tinge of jealousy behind his actions, or maybe he was far too heated to think straight. when people stepped in to defend cass, he felt attacked – as if he was in the wrong, and he could not stand for it, he found it unfair. no, they could not come in and defend someone who has done him so wrong. he trembled, he actually did not want to hurt him. he did not want to embarrass him either. but having a foreign wand pointed at him only made him more aggressive.
“let them hear. let them all hear,” he sounded completely heartbroken, he did not want to. he did not realise it hurt him that much before he actually spoke. he took his wand away, just to avoid getting attacked. but he did not step down. and his anger surely did not vanish. he did not cry much, or at all. but – one too many lies could push him over the edge, and he could feel a breakdown approaching. he said, loud enough for everyone close-by to hear. he did not care if cass died of embarrassment, he wanted him to feel what he felt. “cassian faye is a ing liar. he does not give a about his friends,” he added, and he deliberately eyed the group cassian was talking to previously. “that is right, that includes you! just wait for it, wait for his lies. he does it without blinking,” he continued, however, he started stepping back. he hated conflicts, despite being one to instil them, one to get angry so quickly.
“you are right, you know why? because no physical injury can make you feel the way I feel right now,” he took a deep breath, it was shaky. he was still trembling, people were rather scared to get close to him just in case he exploded. “do not ing talk to me again. we are over, cassian. find other friends to lie to,” he said, putting his wand back in his pocket. he his heels, and started walking away as quickly as he got there. there was anger in every step, and any student that was anywhere remotely close to him, stepped away in fear or defeat. he heard one of them whisper ‘you okay?’ at cass, but he did not care. he did not stop walking, he will run down the hill if he has to.
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：maël clair。⁰² Cassian was having a rather uneventful day, having attended the ancient rune study lecture this morning, which he had to admit was almost on the top of the list of boring classes, competing with divination. At least the rest of the day seemed to be going better. He was sitting in the quad with his friends, listening to Marzia go on about her herbology class and her plans of one day owning a garden full of exotic flowers from all around the world. Cassian wondered momentarily if he should keep a plant in his room, maybe to make the room seem more cozy and more in tune with the rest of the hufflepuff dormitory. It didn’t take long before he gave up on the idea though, the more they chatted the clearer it became to him that taking care of plants is no easy task. Unless of course he used some sort of charm to keep the flower alive, however, that idea didn’t sit right with him. For someone who forgot to drink enough water himself or open the curtains to let enough sunlight in the room, he'd kill the plant within the first week. He did that a lot. Unintentionally neglecting the things he cared about.
The sound of hurried footsteps on the pavement echoed through the enclosed courtyard, catching the attention of the students including Cass who looked up to see his friend march toward them. The smile died on his face before it had a chance to bloom, no mistaking it that was the look of anger - if not pure fury- on Mal’s face. He distantly heard his friend talk to him but before he could reply, Mal had reached for him, grabbing the robe and pointing his wand at Cassian’s neck. This definitely wasn’t what the older had expected, he had readied himself to calm Mal down or confront whoever made his friend upset, but it seemed the source of Mal’s sour mood was no one but him. Shocked by the tug, he stumbled and the book he was holding fell on the ground. For a moment the group seemed as if they were silenced by a spell. Most of them rose from the bench and gave bewildered looks, mirroring the expression Cass wore.
“Mal? What’s going-?” he hated how his voice almost cracked at the end, but this time he felt rattled since he didn’t remember giving Mal any reason for him to shout ‘I hate you’, hell he had even cursed. River.. it dawned on him. The Ravenclaw’s threat stirred something in the group, one of them walked forward to step in between the two boys while one of them reached for her own wand. Cassian held out his hand, signaling them to halt. “Everything is okay guys” though he wasn’t so sure of that himself. “Mal calm down. Can we not talk about this somewhere else?” ‘somewhere more private’, he hoped the hidden request was implicated. “You won’t hurt me. Come on, put down the wand.”
@－ ❛ ʜ ❜：cassian faye。⁰³ mal was having a perfectly decent day, he even found time to smile over some tea – given he had a hangover, and a headache, he was quite jolly. but his mood could very easily sway one way or another, it was fickle like that. and he did have a tendency to burst into flames whenever something was inconvenient. he liked talking to people over breakfast, and he did not mind what house they were in. it just so happened that he spent time with some hufflepuffs, when something reached his ear. something that bothered him deeply. it was evident from the way he put his cup down on the table, just to storm out of the great hall. he did not even care his robe almost ripped in a nail in the process, he was too agitated not to address the issue.
he held back his anger when he passed by some people he knew, and tried to greet them with a smile. but smiling was the last thing he wanted to do right now, he felt too close to breaking his own arms punching a wall. it was not the first time he caught his friend in a lie, and if there was anything that angered him beyond recovery, it was lying. and no matter how many times he would mention it, his friend still did as he pleased. at this point, he even felt reluctant to call him a friend. he went over all the times he broke his trust, and wondered why he was giving him so many chances. no more, mal was sure. at least in this moment, he was sure. but knowing how much he actually cared, he might try to fix it later.
he spotted cassian in the quad chatting with some people. mal bit the inside of his cheeks to prevent himself from screaming in frustration. he grabbed his wand and held it tight, just in case. he charged, and managed to startle cassian’s conversation partners in the process. mal pointed his wand right under cass’ chin, he was so angry he actually started trembling. his breath was irregular, and there was a lot of hurt written on his face. “I hate you,” he blurted out, at first not that loudly. but the more he looked at him, the deeper the betrayal sank. “I ing hate you,” now that was a word that did not come out of his mouth all too much. “how could you? you told me you are too scared to share your music with me, and I understood. but then you share it with people you hardly know? how dare you lie to me again, cassian? ANSWER ME! or so merlin help me, I will hurt you.”
@－ ❛ ʜ ❜：everett sinclair。⁰² mal mimicked everett’s action and leaned against the wall as well, after petting pandora’s head. he looked at her lovingly, he was happy she did not get injured. maybe he should get a cat next, he was not quite sure how it would get along with his parakeet and his new dog. he looked back at everett, and chuckled a bit. at the mention of hands, mal reached out to take everett’s hands and inspect them. they were indeed tiny, significantly tinnier than mal’s. but he quite expected that, he was tall – giant hands were a given, or so he thought. “she was really tiny. she is quite big now, and with all the fur she is packing, I would have never guessed she was ever that tiny. but, I guess animals never cease to surprise me,” he did not let go of everett’s hand, he did not feel like he should. “oh, maybe she can have a little dinner. I doubt she caught any mice. does she even catch them?”
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：maël clair。⁰² Everett was just happy that Pandora was back. And that Mal didn't get hurt while looking for her. He let out a soft sigh, leaning against the wall again. Looking over at mal, he let out a soft laugh. "Yeah... I guess that's true. Hide where it's least expected. Pandora pushed her head against Mal's hand happily. "Mmm... No treats for now... Maybe if she behaves for the rest of the night. She'll get some in the morning." He smiled a little. "I hope so... I've had this little one since she was as big as my hand. And I have small hands." He held his hand up, smiling. "I could hold her in one hand." He laughed, nodding."Yeahhhh... We should probably talk to staff about that one..." He sighed. "She's probably hungry now. She missed her dinner call..."
@－ ❛ ʜ ❜：everett sinclair。⁰² now that everett mentioned it, he was not quite sure how he got to search in the fireplace. perhaps, he was running low on ideas – or maybe his rapid thoughts just took him there. whatever it was, he felt like he accomplished a very important task. “well, I suppose they always hide where you least expect to look,” he said, and looked at the cat, who was acting rather cute. he chuckled, and reached a hand out to touch her head. “I guess no treats for you today, pandora,” mal said and the cat meowed in protest. “I believe she likes you. otherwise, she would not be so eager to get back to you. of course, she would probably tell the staff to get someone to that fireplace and clean it. so white animals like her will not look homeless,” he said, and the cat looked rather confused. “or maybe, she just wants food.”
@－ ❛ s ❜：yvaine dorian。⁰⁴ he relied on the girl’s familiarity with people’s schedules, she has been with these people for longer than he has been. and, despite being quite familiar with the castle, people came and left as they pleased. he hummed a bit, and thought of all the passages he has accidentally uncovered when he was younger. there were not many, but there was a particular one he used a few times. “I know one! it covers floors one to three. after that, we should be safe to head to class without causing any suspicions,” he smiled, and looked around to see if there were still many people left in the hallway. they were slowly moving to their classes, whether they were inside the castle or outside. he tried to keep it as casual as possible, and straightened his back, even if that meant he was towering over the girl. he did not want to look like he was up to something. “so, did you find the spell?” he asked, as though just exchanging ideas with another student.
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：maël clair。⁰² Everett dusted Pandora off to the best of his ability without having a bath in front of him right them. "You're so dirty. I can't believe you would hide in a fire place of all places!" He scolded gently, sighing. He looked over at Mal and gave him a thankful expression. "I can't believe it either... I can't believe you thought to look in one, actually. But I'm seriously glad you did!" He said, smiling. He looked back down at Pandora, seeing what would appear to be a pout on her face if she could properly form one. Probably from being scolded. "Don't disappear on me like that and you won't get scolded, missy." He looked at Mal. "What if we knew what they were thinking? I'm curious to know what she thinks about me..."
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：maël clair。⁰² relief graced the blonde's visage when the boy made his presence known, her head lowered in a nod to his plan. "sounds good to me. did you have a specific passage in mind already? most of the ones I know of were blocked off years ago." she kept her voice down, eyes wandering around for people who may try to eavesdrop. "we've got a few minutes until everyone's either settled in class or on their way to doing so." she stated afterwards, the appearance of students nearby lessening little by little as time passed. most she knew were headed off to electives that required a further walk from the main castle, buying them more time to fool-proof their mostly thought-out plan. her fingers meanwhile scrolled through her phone in search of the map she'd drawn upon her transfer two years prior. it wasn't much, but one could hope it would help.
@－ ❛ ʜ ❜：everett sinclair。⁰² the hufflepuff’s loving behaviour towards his animal was endearing, it was the type of behaviour mal liked to see from all pet owners. surely, animals could be difficult, just like people. but at the end of the day, they were lovely creatures – even if they bite, chew, hide, and growl. he was reminded of his own pet – a parakeet with attitude, he called him. but even if their companionship was hot and cold, mal would never want to lose him, just like he was sure pierre would never want to be lost. “no problem, eevee. I am just glad she did not get injured. those fireplaces are not the safest. I cannot believe she managed to find one that has not been used or cleaned yet, with the weather we have been having,” he looked at pandora, he would like to know what she was thinking. but, like most people, he did not have the ability to read thoughts.
@－ ❛ ʀ ❜：maël clair。⁰² (sorry this took so long! QvQ )
Everett stood up when he saw Mal and the mess he called Pandora. "Pandora!" He said, both relieved and exasperated. "You are an absolute mess, missy." He hugged her to him when she jumped up into his arms, kissing the top of her head. He looked at Mal and smiled happily. "Thank you for bringing her to me! I really appreciate you looking for her, Mal!" Everett laughed softly, nodding. "Yeah. Apparently I need to keep a better eye on her. But... Really... I do appreciate you finding her!"
@－ ❛ s ❜：yvaine dorian。⁰⁴ it was almost prime winter, and mal surely hated the bitter coldness this season carried. surely, he adored snow – but to what cost was he willing to appreciate the miracle? he was not ready to catch a cold, or freeze to death – so he dressed appropriately, wrapping a scarf around his neck for protection. he had gloves on, if they were about to make it get colder, he needed to keep his hands warm. he hurried outside, as he did not want his new partner in crime to wait for too long. he wondered how pretty the hallway will look with iced floors. he hoped he can use it to slide around, and he surely wanted everyone to have fun with it. but the key to such a plan was to stay anonymous – he did not want to be expelled. once he was in the quad, he searched for the short blonde slytherin girl – until he spotted her near a wall, away from unwanted attention. he joined, as silently as he could, face almost hidden behind his scarf. “alright, we should start with a concealment plan. we cannot be seen doing this. I was thinking of transforming the hallway when it is at its emptiest, then getting back in class through a hidden passage.”
hey there ^^'
i'd really, really love to join but first i gotta know-
i can only play , is that okay? my brain just won't let me do straight things...? ;;
