okkkkk so i'm back from spring break with a topic i've been wanting to talk about for a while. i honestly feel like a vlogger sometimes that just... complains about rpr all the time.bUt hey they're fine and informational. lets go, yo.
now, polyamory is a thing on this site. we have these polygamy rps and everything. in the time spent here i've seen at least 4 polyamorous couples. and i'm totally okay with them. love as many people as you want! if you feel equal then godammit be equal. i'm not gonna stop you. (of course cONSENTING polyamoury. no one likes a cheater) but... me? in a polyamorous relationship? i don't think so.
lets get into the psychological-maybe-not-really-i'm-just-trying-to-make-reference-to-my-u/n reason as to why i'm not for polyamorous relationships. i may not seem it, but i have INTENSE insecurities. i do. it's not within the confidence of myself, it's how i make myself to others and how they see me. i fear people getting bored of me, i fear people leaving me. that has to be one of my biggest fears. people leaving me. why? why am i like this? well, when i was younger, my father left. yes i have daddy issues but i am not into the ok. but he didn't really leave me. we're still in touch and i saw him 8 years ago. but, if i still keep in contact with him, then why do i have this fear? he never actually left me. well, friendos, it's because he lives in another country and never comes to see me. it's always me coming to him. and i know, he's an adult with a job and stuff and i'm just... well, i have breaks and stuff i can go see him during. but the fact that he never even considers coming and seeing me... makes me feel like i'm not even worth it. and that he's starting his life over, he's getting a girlfriend with kids... it makes me feel like me, my mom, weren't enough. that we were just a mistake. and that even worsens it.
soO how does this tie into polyamory you say? weell that's obviously because i feel like the two people i'm in love with will fall harder for each other than with me. i feel like when you're in a polyamorous relationship it has to be endgame or you're gonna be left crushed. i mean, imagine it: you fall in love with two people, turns out you had disagreements with them, and then they keep dating but just kick you out. it's such a depressing concept to me. i feel like... "was i not good enough for you?" and i just.. ugh.
sooooo yeah. i know no one probably cares but i just... wanted to get it off my chest. i just realized this recently, you know. i hope to not try a polyamorous relationship in my future. maybe if its two people i just know that love me to bits... but it know it will hurt. this site really does hurt me because when i see someone i'm dating start flirting with another (as another chara ofc) i get these feelings. and it . especially with someone i fall really hard for. i guess everyone i'm dating right now i fell really hard for. and its stupid because i'm tying in ooc and yoURE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. that's like rule 1 in dating on this site "dONT MIX UP OOC AND IC" because you will get your heartbroken one way or another.
ok so i should probably stop this is long. i nearly cried when i was talking about my dad lol. we're on good terms ok i have nothing against him other than those things but they aren't really against him because i know he has to work and being with my mom made him unhappy and he's trying to find another to make him happy but godammit. i need divorced parent children to come back me up. i should go to sleep now.. but i'm on break imma stay up
stay cool y'all. it won't be that hard i know it ok ♡
edit: i needed to cheer up after writing this so i stared at this gif for a few minutes doesntthelookhemakeslooklikeyunarip
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