when is it going to stop?

Yes i just got to the news of Kim Jonghyun's passing myself.

It's still settling in my system, i could hardly believe it and immediately all i wanted to do was cry. My heart hurts and it feels like someone tore it in half. 

It's not just because of Jonghyun. This has been bothering me for a while and this news has just been the icing on the cake.

Let me tell you why i'm more angry then i am sad. Let me tell you why my eyes are still dry even though i want to cry. Let me tell you why i'm aching so much. 

Honestly nowadays i don't listen to kpop much anymore. It's not because i don't like the music. I do. And i am supportive of the groups that i like and even the groups i hardly know. But i just can't enjoy it anymore on a level i did when i first got to know the genre. 

It's because i've learned the hard way what goes on behind the scenes. Because i was curious and that curiosity burst my bubble and made me crash from my dream cloud. You know i even wanted to be a kpop star once.. Even though that's ridiculous because i'm white and short and fat and in no way attractive or a good singer of any kind. But i had dreams you know? Well guess what.. they shattered.

Pain seeped into my heart as soon as i learned the horrible truth of the kpop scene. I bit my tongue as i learned of the many incidents that occured because these artists are being pushed and pushed, often beyond human limits. Forget about the fact that they are human because apparently that doesn't matter to the companies that they are working for. Money is all that counts and it disgusts me to see how everything is all about profit and artists are constantly pushed to the limit and beyond just to make the next big best selling album so the companies can profit from their success. I hate it. I can't support that. I won't support that. but at the same time do i have a choice? Because i want to support the artists and their work and let them know they are amazing. But unfortunately supporting your favorite artist and filling the companie's pockets go hand in hand. And it hurts.

When is it going to stop? When will they finally accept that these artists are human too? That they aren't capable of perfoming if they are pushed beyond the limits of what is healthy for a human being? When are they going to stop risking lives just to get rich? When are they going to realize that the money they make is blood money. Made over the backs of hard working artists who can't take a break without someone yelling at them to get back to work?

That's what it is. There is no nicer way of saying this. Big companies make blood money and get rich by slowly killing their artists. This isn't the first time it has gone too far. And if no one does anything about it, Then it won't be the last. There will be more. More incidents, more people dying at a young age because they are being pushed too hard or too far. Falling into depression, Gaining serious health issues. You name it.

This is the very reason i had to make a tough decision, I left the kpop scene. I listen to songs once in a while but i never ever, can bring myself to buy albums or merchandice because i know that as long as i do that, these companies will just have a reason to keep pushing. It's just me. And alone i can't do much i know that. And trust me this was a tough call. Because i do enjoy the music. And i do think that the hard work of artists should be rewarded. But not like this. It's the singers that earn my respect, but i cannot for the life of me bring myself to let the company make a profit on them. So i'm sorry, but i'd rather not buy anything at all. I'll support them on social media. Share my thoughts on what they do. But i can't force myself to buy things knowing that half of the earnings will probably end up in the pockets of their companies. If not more. 

My heart still hurts. and my prayers are with the family, members, friends and fans. And everyone touched by the news. I'm so sorry. I feel it too. The loss, the pain. But i need you to understand why i can't cry. 

Because it wasn't his fault. Jonghyun was a wonderful person. He gave it his all. It should have been enough. But he's in a better place now. Free from the burden they put on him through his life. 

Rest in peace Jonghyun. You will be dearly missed. Watch over us from your place in heaven.

to all fans out there i just want to say: It's alright to grieve, it's alright to cry. You're not alone. I'm sending love your way. Let's all remember Jonghyun the way he was. The way he made us smile and feel happy. The kind and good person he was. Remember that.

Never Ever forget about him, nor this, nor what is going on.

(and okay, i said i wasn't going to cry. But i did cry. Because it was all just too much. I've been deeply depressed in the passed. I know how lonely and dark it can get. So i did cry. Because no one deserves to feel like that. And because Jonghyun was one of a kind, and cannot be replaced.)