[ person al upda te ] when was the last time i did one of these

kinda like how fall transitions into winter, and the biting chill of the wind just becomes aparent to you one day, and you think "wow i need hand lotion," this bitterness rose up in me and i look around to see barreness. i guess what i mean to say is that i felt a big disconnect from everything. its not just my relationship with rpr but it happened in school, where i had hit the lowest i have been in years. i had three classes, all required for my major and minor. i had dropped one class because i realized (too late) that the sheer amount of writing i have to do for this semester was more than i ever intended to do or more than i could handle. (and if you could imagine the reading, easily i was required to read upwards of 300 pages a week for two of my classes combined.) my headspace wasn't good. 

i wasn't okay. 

ontop of that, i have very few friends who haven't transfered or gone for study abroad. my boyfriend transfered. i have the ra job and excel at it but its just as draining. last semester was what you call the perfect storm. 

over winter break, i busted my working for my mom and doing graphic design work for her and her new business venture. at the same time, i went all by myself to visit the boy in michigan and spend new years with him. i cant tell you how refreshing its been to get out of the house, experience something new, and see what i can do. with that in mind, i'm coming back with a renewed sense of muse and creativity. im not here to on new rpr, to bring back old rpr, i'm here to bring a new me back. 

i know everyones doing their own thing and i know im not the easiest to work with - i know my answers are sometimes curt and short or im really late at or i am not first to reply to plots but this is easily one of the places where i've felt my happiest and saddest moments. i wanna foster those friendships i might have neglected and come back to a place where i can exercise my creativity with people who also exercise their creativity. 

i also have loose ends. i have people who i know i didn't give the chance to tell their side of the story and i cut them off prematurely. i have people i am willing to make amends with. (i had you blocked for a short time because it really caught me off guard and i really wasnt ready, now i think i am so if you want to talk, im here.) i want a clear start without running to new accounts because thats some messed up . its too hard to hide when all i want to do is code irregularly shaped layouts and roleplay. 

is this an apology? no, but i do owe one to a few people who i left hanging (lucy you especially deal with too much of my ) time and time again.

is this a "im coming back to rpr"? sorta- sorry to those looking for a tl;dr. i feel like people sensed there was a lot going on with me so this is the full story. this was the conscious train of thought i had when i sat down and decided to open myself up to you all. part of my problem is when i hit a rough patch i've forgotten how to talk about it. when i'm upset, i don't feel like im in a "right state of mind" to talk about issues, so i dont. i sit with my problems and marinate in them until i either break down or fix it with someone. so, the melee of all my problems last year culminated with my shutting down once school was over. i disassociated from everything and everyone and for that i realize my mistake. it was such a bad way to handle things. 

so, i'm sorta back. im sorta better. im starting with a clean slate. gonna bring on the positivity and be a better friend.