Rant

I am usually a very private person and dont speak about my feelings publicly but today I'm livid and I just need to get this off my chest. 

The amount of betrayal I've experienced on this site in just the past six months is so...I have no words. I'm so hurt. It happened not once but twice. I only come here to rp and the fact that these are ooc issues is just mind boggling. Like why the hell did I allow this????

The first betrayal occurred last year when my character was in a two year long toxic relationship that bled ooc. Toxic relationships (rpr or not) often go both ways so I admit I wasn't perfect but to have the word "abusive" thrown around is just...I, again, have no words. I'm pretty sure they've villianized me to all their friends atp lol I never spoke to anyone about what went on bc I wanted to protect them. They've done a lot of ty things to me that I, at the time, was afraid to call them out on. I'm most hurt about making me the reason their ooc fiance was jealous. If I'm not wrong, their rls is THEIR responsibility. I often wondered if their rls was okay bc of how much time our characters spent together. I thought I would be overstepping boundaries so I never said anything. I enabled their behavior and regret not speaking up and imposing ooc boundaries throughout that rls. It hurts to have someone you care about, whether ooc or ic, disrespect you like that. Take their anger out on you and say hurtful things and then pose you to be the villian. I felt uncomfortable, trapped, gaslit, lied to, stalked...everything you could imagine. I could go on and on and on but I won't. 

The second betrayal occurred very recently. My character was in a rls where the person posed as two different people in the same rp. I could honestly laugh. It's just laughable. I unknowingly went to one of their characters to ask advice about the other. I would often go this rp partner and tell them directly how much they reminded me of that other character.  Deep down, I knew something wasn't right. But it's like why go out of your way to do that?? They gaslit me and their other partners in that rp sooooo much. The answer they provided me was bs too. I could go on and on about what they did. Fooling everyone. How everything just makes sense now but I won't. Lesson learned: always listen to your gut.

At the end of the day, we are all human beings and have flaws. Sounds cliche but no one is perfect and I don't think they are bad people but I feel so stupid for giving these people so much grace and forgiveness through the blatant disrespect. Just for it to blow up in my face like this. I was a pushover and weak and couldn't stand up for myself. It all comes down to me and what I allow. No more. I won't be a pushover anymore, ooc or ic. 

I think this is a nudge for me to go on hiatus or move on from rpr as whole.