I swear I made up my mind but but

Thankyou for reading this because it might be asslong and Im not even sure if the poeple mention below will read this.

It might also be my last post for a while, be glad. No? Okay ._.

 

I SWEAR I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHETHER QUITTING FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS AND I SWEAR I MADE UP MY MIND TO QUIT UNTIL - I logged into my acc and saw my charactors. The memories immediately flow back and I realise I've been away for longer than I should. I missed everything here and Im really sorry for leaving some rp half way hanging.

I felt the need to start everything all over again. okay no? what ._. I have so many to say but now my mind just forgets everything maybe its because there's a god show right infront of me aww so cute 

Anyways, I sincerely apologize for the lack of active. Im not even sure whether I know how to be social again *laughs*

So I've been here for about um, nearly 6 months? Yup, since middle May?

But I still got into hiatus for the whole mid break June. Hah the reason was always a weakness of mine. 

They say people always change for a reason, and Im no exception. But I just really hate this change of me. I wished everything hadnt happen back then.

I've rarely tell my story to anyone, actually now that I thought of it, I told a few poeple, but none of then know the whole of it.

The funny thing is, most of the few are the ones I met online, preferebly kpop friends, and the only one of it was my best friend since grade 1.

 

*you could skip this part if you dont like hearing stories.*

 

Back when I was Grade 5, how stupid little me. I fell for a guy in my school. He was someone who I used to have tuition with, I really missed that time when both of us could fool around in tuition. God so as I was saying, I fell for him. And oh how normal the whole school eventually knew it. You could say the whole grade knew about me. The teacher eventually had a talk with me which I really didnt take it into my heart.

Now here's another strenght of mine, but its also a weakness of mine. I don't really show my emotions out, most of the time, I keep a smiley face on. When Im being scold by teachers, or parents, I kept smiling. I didnt wanna be weak infront of him. Infact, I hate letting people pity me. But it caused my loneliness. No one knew the true me, friends in school see me as a happy cheerful friend. Whenever they flirt and oh so happy with the other boys, I feel like puking. 

Way too cheerful for my liking. Tho, I never forget to plaster the smiley face on. :)

So my parents also had a talk with me, saying if I ever like somebody I should tell her, which I really never did. Just like in the facfics, the guy and his friends tease me everyday, everyway. But just like in the cruel world, me and the guy never got together. He moved to singapore eventually, and we never contacted nor talked. Before that, I was truly happy. After that, it killed a small part of me, but that's not the major cause.

This one was more heart breaking, it made me tear everytime I thought of it. People say girls are hard to understand, but nothing can be more confusing by this guy. I liked anime back then. :P During grade 4, there was this duo, a guy and a girl, who really go along together and both of then liked anime, they're like in the movies, tease each other, then laugh, and make up. I was really jealous of those friendship, and so I tried to get into them. And I did, we evetually became really good friends, the trio. We laugh together everyday, we chase each other in class ignoring the teacher's warning. We were really happy.

And then I did not and will never know what gone wrong. During the starting of grade 6. He started ignoring me. I was really shocked. What went wrong between us? That's not it, he basically hated me. He made me cry. I hate him. Once we switched place and I wanted to sit at his place since my best friend was there, his bag occupied the seat, so I took it down. He saw it and ordered me to put it back. I argued no, why? its just a stupid bag ! He insisted on making me putting back his bag on the chair, and Im at the brink of crying. I ran back to my place and dug my face in my arms. I never did understand what happened.

It killed most part of me. 

Since then it changed a big part of me. I hate boys, I dont get along with boys. Nor teacher.

In school, I barely have male friends, tho I have bunch of female ones. I have a hard time infront of boys, I just feel uncomfortable. You dont know how hard it is for me to be comfartable infront of a guy. For god sake I cant even look into their eyes. 

During grade 4, I started playing online games. my dad recommended me since its basically his own game. I made many friends there, and to cut it short, most of them left. And then I started realising I always put too much feelings into one thing, and ended up hurting myself. I repeatedly told myself, no matter how nice the opposite it, do not put feelings in it, because I would end up hurting myself. Okay but not all of them left, there were still a few. There's this guy -cough-, who actually has a thing for me but I guess I had a thing for him but I guess I was too tired waiting. Few weeks ago he invited me out to SS5 saying his friend got extra ticket, but oh so sad I was not ready to meet him- to meet a boy I've never seen, I rejected. HAHAHHAHAHA. I know. 

 

 

****

 

 

So back to the hiatus at June, I guess I made a mistake by putting to much feeling into a relationship of a charactor and I couldnt really accept when the charactor broke up. Well, it took me some time and with the help of someone I gathered myself and came back. She taught me how to be social enough, but I guess Im forgetting again. -laughs- That someone really helped a lot. And I could never say thankyou enough  ♥ 

But if both the charactors hadnt broke up, I guess I wouldnt have the chance to meet someone this wonderful  ♥ You know its you :P That one stupid unnie that keeps bullying me. I really do miss you, so, so, much. She also gathered myself up from the broken me, encouraging me that my problem is not the worse in the world. Oh Im so so sorry I havent talked to you in ages  ♥  

It wasnt till yesterday night I realise how much my memories traumatized me. I was remembering them, but I stopped. My inner self didnt even wanna remember it. And so I gave up. The pas should remain the past. That's what I tell myself.

I have a really good friend in realife, everyone was jealous of our relationship, but the funny thing is, I never tell her my stories. I swear we're really good, but I just dont like telling her my stories. I dont know, I just dont feel like it, maybe because I know she wouldnt care either.

There's this other one, she's also a good friend but not as good as the previous one. She knows slightly a bit more stories then my best friend. Maybe because we're not the best, I feel like I could tell her some. Not the worse tho. I tell her about my parents .... well.

 

Maybe because of my own past, I like listening to other people's story. That's why I wanted to be a psychology. I truly like hearing stories of other people and helping them. But I liked singing at the same time. I could give up the dream to be a psychologist, but I could never ever give up singing. And, my parents dont support me. We argued a lot of time about this ... and I dont think i need to explain. Whenever I forgot to practice piano, she would just treathened to stop my singing classes and what can I do? I would completely break down without singing.

To be honest, singing is the only thing that kept me alive till now. There's nothing else. I mean, I would surely get slapped if I say this infront of my parents. Because in reallife, I know they really care about me. they gave me everything I want. But just not my career. My grades are relatively good, and my mom once said, let me quote 'I know you have the potential to study doctor, thats why I always wanted you to be something professional', she basically means singer is not professional. Sometimes I wonder, If I hadnt been a such excellent student, maybe they would support me. Or maybe they would just comtinue to force me to get better grades. I wanted to be a part of the student council, but I realise there was no way I could make it, Im way to shy. /slapped/ OTL

Oh and I dont know why I just naturally gives the aura making teacher hate, not hate, just, not one of their favourable students. I think what makes them frustrating is I still get good grades. /evil laugh/

 

So I just went on a trip from China, there's this single mother with her daughter. the mom said that she regretted to um, whats the word, giving everything her daughter want since small? Because she felt sorry that she had to grow up without a father. So now, she's the same aghe as me, grade 8, the mom said she's just too stubborn and obstinate. She said once she didnt buy her a phone she wanted, and she didnt bath, eat, drink for whole 3 days. You know I could just see that on her face.

So my family heard it and my mom say I would never do something like this. And then my dad said, and let me quote it 'of course she wouldnt do that, becasue she gets everything she wants'. And then I laughed, sadly. I do get everything I want, just not their support for music.

My dad tho, rarely cares about my studies or actually everything, but when he does, he wants it to be perfect. THERE IS NO PERFECT IN THE WORLD. I do everything to satisfy him, but maybe there's just no way. Everyone said my dad loves me, look at how he pays for everything. Once I always wanted to shout I dont want that, I want him to see what I've done. Is praising me for something so hard? Once I was playing piano, I swear I got no wrong, but he came out of the room, and said 'why so many wrong?'. I was so speechless right then, what did I played wrong? I got into TOP 25% in the world Canada waterloo math competition and he said nothing too. He would always just see the flaws in me but not the good.

Back to roleplaying, Im not leaving. I jsut cant bring myself to leave. But Im gonna be hiatus, actually, I will be here. But I dont know when I could get along into you guys again so to not risk my charactor being kicked out, I will be put as hiatus. Pray for me that it wont take another 1 month.

Oh my school's starting in another 22 days, ughh officially high school next year, Grade 9. Im honestly not scared or nervous, what is there to be fear of when I've been tru much worse.

And my birthday's in 3 days, thursday. I doubt my parents would buy me anything .. or celebrate. When did I stopped celebrating my birthday? I dk.

But I actually bought a tea set for my dad at china and everyone's like: Lets see what he buys you for your birthday. 

Meh.

I've used way too much time to type this. and Im sure I left out quite a few notes .. 

But wait, let me tell a true ghost story. So during the first hotel in china, which was last week. The single said that she actually saw 2 ghost beside her daughter while she was playing phone, and another child on the corner of the bed. She said they were all smiling and she thought there were no harm so she refused to changed rooms. She said that only their upper bodies were seen.

Then during the last 2 days, she kept vomiting and no medicine could heal her. She didnt say this out until the last day. No wonder she vomited :o

 

Okay so I just wanted to thank everyone of you I've talked to and more or less you guess made my day with every words you say. Just, thankyou  ♥ 

 

Sorry for this asslong post and Byeee ~~

 

I dont know when I'll be coming back.