I'm still alive, you guys. I really need help though, please.

Now I know I'm not missed all that much since I kinda tend to disappear sometimes, but this has been the longest I've ever been away from RPR.

So remember the issue I was dealing with last I was online? (link included just in case you may not have seen); well things have gotten worse.

Since that horrendous day, I've listened to nothing but BANKS and Amy Winehouse over and over to try to soothe my wounds. Thankfully, he and I kept in touch since then and for some time, the days were going great! We'd Skype, play MTG, tell eachother we love eachother and spend the nights on the phone, almost as if nothing changed.

"I'm coming down tomorrow and I really want to see you again before I'm shipped off, Mariah." he said one night about two weeks ago and I was over the moon about it.

Oh my god, he's looking forward to seeing me, he thought of me of all people to spend time with while he's in town.

And the first time, he picked me up and we spent the night together (yes in that way too); the night filled with nothing but flowery whispers and tender kisses. It was love all over again, then the next morning we grabbed breakfast and I went home, my head afloat with bubbly feelings.

We talked nonstop after that day for another week while he was in town and two days before he was scheduled to leave, he invited me over again. We drank, he gave me gifts; a late birthday gift (turned 21 on Nov 14) which was a ton of MTG cards and also an early xmas gift: the Amy Winehouse documentary (which I absolutely adored!) then we spent the late hours of the night wrapped up in eachother again whispering 'I love you' to eachother between breaths, the very last night we'd spend together before he'd go to Korea. But when we exhaled afterglow and laid there in eachother's warmth, he turned to me;

you know I wanted to take you with me, right? you know we could've gone together and began our lives together. We could've been married and you'd live your dream alongside me, but you said no.

And my heart fell, being reminded of the night I told him we should wait for marriage because I believed there was a certain time for us to be wed, just not yet.

, you guys, I've never felt like such a -up in my life and that's when the tears started to fall. I told him we could make it work as long as we still had feelings for eachother, and I told him I still loved him with the very fibers of my existence,

you said no, and that ultimately broke my heart. you're only disappointment to me now and my feelings can't be the way they once were for you.

It was in his arms on his chest that I fell apart, and I'd honestly rather have that than the solitude of my pillow for that - at least for that night.

His words echoed on and on the next morning and soon, we ended up in my driveway and as soon as the car parked, I turned to him and held him with all my strength, sobbing into his shirt as he, too, cried a bit. I told him how much I still cared for him, despite his words and that I'd be ready for him once he came back. I said my heart wouldn't change because I felt that strongly for him, but once I pulled away and wiped his tears away, I never heard colder words in my life;

Once I get to Korea, I'm going to do everything I can to stop talking to you. I want you to forget about me and don't try to keep in touch. Don't wait for me either, you'll only be disappointed.

And I was stubborn, I was set in my heart that he was the only person I wanted.

You're a beautiful girl, Mariah and if you don't find anyone; someone'll find you for sure.

but I only shook my head and insisted that I wanted him, that I'd wait for him.

People change, I may fall for someone else, and if that's the case, I'm not going to let them go just because you're ready for me when I was ready for you before we broke up.

But I smiled through the tears and told him I had faith in us, that fate would bring two strong hearts together at the right time. I kissed him for the last time and whispered a weak "I love you" against his lips for the last time. "You don't have to say anything back, just know it and everything I said still holds true." I said before opening the door and exiting the car, waving to him as he drove off with oceans in my eyes.

That night, nobody was home and I utilized that time to cry out, the hardest I ever have and I sat down with his gifts in my hands and pleaded for this to not be real, I mean- the being I ing love with all of my ing heart just told me all this . Every icy word dropped from his lips resounded in my head, driving me insane. So I decided to put in the Amy documentary I was gifted to try to calm myself down, but as soon as I turned away from the tv to sit down and watch, the title menu came up and guess what song was the title menu song?

"Tears Dry On Their Own"

I froze in my spot insantly because that's the very song I had on repeat to help me cope with the breakup. The irony was all too ing strong.

Eventually, the movie finished and I still hadn't stopped crying. I went to bed that night and decided to hop onto instagram to distract myself.

and what the happened next was the worst ing moment I'd experienced; and I thought his words were bad enough.

But this was nothing compared to his words...

Scrolling, scrolling I went and happened upon a picture of some girl until my eyes shifted over and saw his face beside hers, the comments including her leaving hearts to him and he to her back. Others telling him how cute they looked together and everything and him agreeing.

That night was honestly the roughest I've felt in my entire life.

And it all made sense; he told me all those words to detatch me so he could begin anew with her, smiling the smile I made him smile back when he was mine and I swear right then I was ready to die for sure. The worst part was all the sweet words we murmured to eachother the previous nights when we spent them tangled up in eachother; the sweet, tender words we exchanged in the middle of the night when "love" was hanging thick in the air.

But it all felt like a lie after seeing that picture and soon I grew sick to my stomach.

Since then, he made his page private and his bio went from indicating him being single, to now saying his girlfriend is his goddess; one of the many things he called me before, mind you guys, this happened in just a matter of days. With all the pieces put together, it all made sense.

He was talking to her for some time and grew fond of her, but needed  just two nights to nights to finally let me go and break my heart completely, hoping I'd let go so he could move on without guilt, that must've been why he brought up the possibility of him being with someone else. That's why he wasn't willing to make things work between us through the distance because he was ready to start with somebody else.

The worst part was that I was ing stupid to be used for that, I was stupid to tell him to his face that I'd wait for him and not stop loving him because after all the pieces fell into place, I turned out to be the oblivious one. 

Want to know the craziest part?

I want to hate him. I want to hate him with every ounce of my breaths, with every cell that makes up my being, but as much as I want to, I can't bring myself to do so.  as much as I desperately try, I cannot and in turn, only end up successfully hating myself for being so ing stupid.

Now he's across the world and here I lay in bed alone and helpless in my stupid thoughts wishing altogether it would all stop, feeling the darkest I ever have.

Just when you thought this couldn't escalate any further...

My monthly biological functions as a female haven't made an appearance yet. Do you guys know what I'm saying?

This is where I need help. I'm a mess and I deseprately need someone to just comfort me and give me their words.

You guys, I really need you right now; otherwise, I have no I dea what I'm going to do.

Please help.