Dream

I dreamt about her today. But at first it wasn't her. It was nu'est Ren then it changed into her.

i was with her. Right next to her sitting with her and the fat one watching a video of them dance. Which is funny because I know just like me the fat one is gone.   In my dream I couldn't look at her. It hurt too much.  It hurt just sitting next. Like she's right there but I can't touch or talk to her.  Or maybe it's my mind telling me it feels incomplete. I never got the chance to touch her nor to really look at her or kiss her and I so badly wanted that. 

I didn't realize just how much I actually needed her. Now that she's gone I feel incomplete. I cry often because of it. But better cry some now then keep feeling lonely while she supposed to be there but isn't.  It wasn't strong enough to last. Maybe I wasn't strong enough to make it last. I think I'm too broken and scared. 

But at least I took the chance to say the words. At least this time I could say I love you and mean it. That's better than nothing I guess. I hope I can find another vault.  I need to learn to trust more.