Get ready for the Arial 9 es.
Jk, Arial 9 hurts my eyes on this site. Okay, so recently I've had way too much time on my hands. Maybe it's my own lack of motivation but I always find myself looking for a time waster and an excuse not to do my homework. Usually I'm able to come up with some kind of thing that distracts me, rather it be watching videos or playing video games or talking with my friends. But it's usually later at night (or when my stamina runs out in fire emblem heros) when I begin to think more over playing the numerous games or watching the numerous videos and frankly, sometimes I think thinking is super frightening. Most of the time in the night it leads you to well--your own heart, and that and the darkness that it holds can be scary. But recently with everything going around me, the thing I've been thinking most about is friends. Friends--confound me, in that they're something that most people want so immensely, to fit in, to have companions that we are willing to go to so many lengths to achieve that goal. And I think I'm the same in a sense, I'm extroverted, I love being with people, I love interacting and making connections. But why? Sure, there's some basic evolutionary instinct of cooperation to survive but since when was having friends, making friends, so rooted in our culture? Making friends is not less about survival now than about fitting in over anything. So what is it that drives us to seek companionship? Is it because we are simply lonely?
Alone.
I think being alone is something that frightens me the most--don't get me wrong, I need my alone time as well, to reflect and to ponder, to better myself, something I haven't been doing recently even though there's so much of me that I can improve. But being truly alone is a frightening thought. I think being able to face the world and all its hardships is just so much easier with people by your side. But friendship has evolved in so many complex manners that it's become more I think than pleasing entertainment to distract or mindless support. There almost seem to be tiers of friendship, and different kinds of friendship as well. And of course, there are unhealthy friendships as well.
The most unhealthy friendship that comes to mind is with people that are takers. You give and you give and you give and all they do is take and take and take and I think these kinds of relationships kill most because you invest so much--of everything into them and they give nothing in return, no effort, merely finding you when they need a shoulder to lean on or someone to spill tea with. And when you need them most, they aren't there. I think takers frustrate me most because when I put effort into a relationship of any sort...well I'd like at least an acknowledgement in reply. But we grow and we learn about who truly cares so I suppose they serve as a lesson. A relationship is a two way street whether it be one of love or one of friendship.
Uneven relationships are certainly unhealthy, eventually you have nothing more to give--and they have given you nothing but perhaps fleeting attention in return. That's when you feel the most lonely I think. And I ing hope I haven't treated any of you like that because I never want to take and not give.
Other than that, I think most friendships fall into big areas, there are three that I sort of classify.
The first catagory is sort of the shallow ended friendship--okay not shallow, but mainly the entertaining friendship. You two are really friends for the good times, for the chatting, for the smiles and laughter. The relationship warms your heart and you feel comfortable enough to go out with them to events or talk to them about your life but never the dark stuff, absolutely not. Your relationship is one of happiness and good times nothing more nothing less. And that's okay. My friend of I think it's been nearly 7-8 years have a relationship like that. We don't get to see each other too often but when we do it's all s and giggles. And I'm happy with that relationship, because that's how we fit together.
The second catagory is the--holy I want to know everything about you catagory. This is really where that person begins to interest you and you want to learn more about them, their lives, their feelings, everything really. You invest time and effort into them--in getting to know them and seeking them out and you just love being with them. That can either go two ways, you either find someone willing to put time into you or you find someone who isn't as invested in you and thus--you drift apart from them. I think these kinds of relationships tend to be full of complaints as you share your life with the other person but also one of blind support. They're the shoulders you know you can lean on when you need it and it's a great comfort in that manner. But really everything you see of that person is good--when my best friend and I were in this stage we spent every moment together and I thought she was absolutely fantastic and funny and wonderful--perfect.
But I think the third stage is where you delve deeper underneath the surface of even that. That's the deep talks, the silent introspection and most of all--the flaws. No one is perfect, there's always something to be worked on and while friends are there as support they should also be there to be honest. My best friend is not perfect, she's pretentious sometimes, a total other times, and frankly when she's interested in someone she pools her attention to them. And that makes me just a little bit angry. Because I feel like the default setting and when she is interested in someone I feel like I'm thrown aside. But in this friendship I think it's okay to tell her that. Obviously not in an accusatory manner but I want her to learn about herself and what makes me not comfortable--is respect for both sides of the relationship and a hope for self improvement and betterment. And hell, she's really working hard to change it and all the things that I know I need to work on I try my best to improve. We are there to support each other but also to better ourselves as people and we don't have to be there for each other all the time. I know so much about her and she knows so much about me and we fill in each other's empty spaces but we don't need to text or be around each other constantly. It's okay for us to have other friends. I think this is probably a rough stage to get to though. And there are some people you can get there with and others that you can't. Some people are willing to take that dive, others might not be, and it's okay. But friendships are so complex and so moving that they're really something to be cherished.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really appreciate you all as people and I hope that you all are doing well. I know some of you all I don't get to talk to too much because real life is kicking my but I try to respond on kkt at least once a day so--yeah. I'm sorry if sometimes it seems like I'm distracted or i'm replying for the sake of replying--quantity over quality. It's never my intention to make you feel unloved or lonely. I just wanted to let you all know though that I love you all and thanks for sticking by me whether it be in any manner. I'd really like to know your opinions on friendships in general and really--what your view is on that kind of thing.
Sorry this is so long, I've been thinking on this for a little while.
Thanks for listening.
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