this is just another sad post, and i can't deny i've been needing one, it's just the starless sky that makes me somewhat sad and nostalgic at the same time for something i never really had

i don't really understand what's going up with me, neither do i know why i waste my own time on writing such posts at 4 am.

and honestly, i don't even know why i'm feeling sad, or how come i feel like this when i was so relieved and at ease today. i don't know if someone may relate in the slightest bit, or it's just me ＋ my weird way of thinking and feeling, but i realized that it's hard to keep your friends close.

i mean, i don't even know how to express it, i was just casually browsing the web and i started checking my friends list, both on rpr and on kkt, and realization came over to me all over again: there's so many people i miss.

i miss a lot of you, but whenever i try and strike up a conversation, it's not the same. no matter how much i try and tell myself that nothing changed, that that is the same person and the friendship is going strong as ever, i can't ignore the fact that it actually changed. a lot changed.

i don't think i like change.

because, it's the small things that count, for example the days you get left on 'seen' for a little too long, or the moments when you are paying so much attention to everything, that  you start to notice the smallest change in their way of typing, or even you just feel the mood change. maybe i'm just paranoic or maybe i'm just way too used to overanalyzing everything to the extent i think that everything i tried to build the past year is quickly crumbling to pieces.
 it's not even crumbling, it's more of falling down, like those houses made of cards we were trying to keep up when we were little. 

 everything is just so fragile that i'm afraid to make any more new friends.
 yet, ironically, i can't help but get extra happy when someone mentions that i'm fun to talk to, or when they just put up the effort to strike up a conversation. yeah, i made new friends, somehow, maybe but i can't leave a lot of thoughts aside. i want to befriend so many people but the fact that it doesn't lasts scares me. the fact that i get attached too easily scares me as well. 

but again, i try and tell myself: that's not real life, dummy, why do you get so stressed over conversation that you'll forget soon and over people you'll never actually meet? why do you treasure them even more that your classmates, or people you actually meet and talk to? 

i have no idea what i wrote.

my thoughts are so messy i just want to sleep it all away but it's the second night i find myself staying up later than usual, trying to recognize all the people that meant so much to me last summer, or the people i started to befriend when autumn came, or even those i met in late winter, and the fact that most of the don't even remember us being friends is funny, so funny i might cry.

everyone talks about one-sided love, but what about one-sided friendship?

did you guys know that only half of the people you consider friends (or even less) consider you friends back?