photo booth

@○ ⁞ joongi l 。 /distaste over the moment, and the feelings that rise up inside me, are enough to push my gaze aside
/the raised hand never catches my eye as I do my best to keep something akin to a smile on my face, though that attempt to appear wry is very, very forced
/when you clear your throat I glance back, compelled to know whatever was stuck in your throat, but with the moment passed that's not to be
/instead, I get cold reception when we receive the photos and you only end up holding out the majority for me, but that feeling is something I'm used to by now
She would probably prefer it if you delivered them yourself.
/taking the bulk of the photos, I say nothing of the missing wallet-sized photo, rather holding the rest in one hand and acting as if I hadn't noticed at all
But sure, I'll make the trip home myself-- it's been awhile since I've seen my family.
/there's a little snarl, a curled lip, that follows my disdain like a wounded dog only trying to protect itself with some self-preservation, but that's difficult to defend even to myself
/holding the rest of the photos close, I watch as you withdraw without any such defense of yourself, save for the facade that you project so well
/the only words I can manage are half-whispered to myself as I turn away, not intent on being heard by anyone, let alone you, not when I don't even believe them of myself
I wouldn't dream of it, hyung.

@ʙ ⁞ juho b 。 /for a moment your words make me hesitate, i feel a sense of tremendous guilt twist a knife inside of my gut and even my heart aches, its dull but its there and its all i need to feel overwhelmed in an instant since i long thought my heart had stopped feeling such things
/it has me reaching a hand up like i might pet your hair as i once did, do you remember? or like i might cup your cheek and slide my thumb over the skin there, comforting and warm
/instead your next words sound between us and i'm left blinking several times, glancing at my own hand as if wondering how it got so close to touching you before i abruptly drop it, clearing my throat as i do so
/like i've been splashed with cold water i seem unbearably tender and emotional, even somewhat embarrassed and so says the shining in my eyes i'm quick to hide from you, replaced with another well practiced smile as i'm handed the set of photos
/briefly and without a word i look through them, my eyes lingering on the sight of us looking happy with one another though its not real, i know that much and it makes me sadder than i thought i would be
in that case. here
/holds out the photos for you, keeping only one, the smallest print and i hold it at my side, a clear sign of me not willing to talk about it so its better to not be questioned at all
give these to her yourself. mail them if you like, but a visit in person would be better. it'll buy you at least a month of her not worrying if you do
/once you take the pictures i subtly glance at the one by my side, brushing my thumb over your printed face and missing the little brother i was once so close to, but he's not here now, and neither is his big brother anymore
well then. enjoy the rest of your evening juho
/with refined dignity and grace, the same ones you've come to admire and adore on the big screen, i smile prettily at you before turning to make my leave first, glancing back over my shoulder to murmur softly so only you hear me
let's not meet again too soon, little brother

@○ ⁞ joongi l 。 You really despise my presence that much?
/there's a shift in my tone, something I play off as if it were just a trick of the curl of my lips, or a thin breath, anything other than the reality
/the last thing I would want to do is let you know that each time you reject my presence it only feels that much colder somewhere buried inside
/that feeling isn't as easy to hide beneath a lopsided smile and a single-shouldered shrug as I would hope, but I offer you those same gestures anyway
I'll make sure to keep giving him a reason to be proud, hyung, so you won't have to.
/it's an unintentional barb which escapes me, words coming off the tip of my tongue meaning something far different once they're spoken than they did in my head
/with the line moving forward by another couple, I realize just how unlikely our presence is in line, let alone at the same event, and even further removed... at the same school
/truth be told, as we stand side-by-side, I'm all the more aware that our paths should have stayed diverged as they had begun to go years prior, rather than being brought back together like some comical cycle of sado-masochism
It's the least I can do when you're making sure that mother won't have another reason to hover over me.

@ʙ ⁞ juho b 。 /i curse you to a thousand lifetimes in hell when you mock me as you do, i'd probably do it verbally but then we're too busy playing the perfect, happy siblings
/it drops as soon as we're away though, still somehow beautiful even when i look at you coldly, if not more so for the hard lines it seems to bring out in me
don't talk to me about favourites
don't talk about things you know anything about anyway. unless you're intent on playing the jester for life
/idly watches the next group step up for their photo, wondering how long its going to take to get our own before i can leave you here and pretend like i don't attend this academy with you
/your offer about pleasing me as me turning my head toward you, arms folding in front of my chest as i settle that fiery gaze on you, but that's essentially what we are whenever we meet now, water and fire clashing
you want to know how to please me?
/steps closer, not touching you but my presence along is suffocating, even with the height difference between us, i somehow make up for it with my domineering aura
stay out of my sight. the only time i wish to have to see you is at those pained family dinners. other than that, i don't care what you do
just don't drag me into your nonsense and do try to keep father more appeased. i'm tired of him turning on me for any of /your/ slack

@○ ⁞ joongi l 。 You don't like the high and tight look?
I figured an uptight guy like you would love it.
/speaking from the corner of my mouth to maintain my smile is something almost practiced, but not nearly so flawless as your own efforts in maintaining the facade
That must be where the height came from.
/with your shift in footing, I consider tugging you fully in against me, but decide against it while in front of a camera, let alone a small audience
/after you step away, my hands find their home in my pockets once more as I sidle away from the hand-painted background props to stand with you
/it's the tone of your voice, more than your words themselves, which earn a raised brow
You're the one who knows best how to speak to her.
We both know I'm not really mother's favorite-- I just play my part the only way I know how.
/your last question is the one that sticks with me, eliciting a quiet chuckle
One of us has to be pleased-- unless you want to tell me how to please you, hyung.

@ʙ ⁞ juho b 。 even so, you didn't have to get rid of your longer hair. at a stretch it looked good on you
better than whatever the barber did to you this time
/murmurs softly so only you hear me, my smile for the camera or the photographer never falter and honestly, it has to be some kind of skill to maintain it at this point
we don't look /that/ alike. don't forget you took after father
/stiffens when you wrap your arm around me and pull me in, failing to miss a beat as i adjust my footing so i don't lean into you too much, just close enough our mother will be pleased
she better
/hisses under my breath before the photos are taken, stepping away from you a bit when we're done, waiting to receive them from the photographer, i take the time to speak to you
you're the fool who spilled the fact there was even a prom going on in the first place
a nearly forty year old man going to prom- its pathetic
/scoffs, most unamused before i slowly lift my gaze to look at you again
are you pleased with yourself?

@○ ⁞ joongi l 。 /the way you look me over earns a raised brow long before you do anything more than that
/as you reach for my collar, I tip my head up, glancing away long enough to let you fuss as you will, knowing it would only irk you more to have me refuse
An egg? Really?
Not all of us can pull off long, luscious locks.
/bringing a hand to my hair, I brush my fingers through the product-lifted ends, trying to affect some level of non-chalance
Besides, this way people can tell us apart...
/my voice trails off the moment it seems like your attention has waned, more focused on putting on that smile for our mother's sake and the photo we'll inevitably be responsible for sending home
/with your body turned toward mine, your pride evident as ever in the tilt of your mien, I dare to bring an arm up and over your shoulders, pulling you in close as I offer a slightly more rakish smile to the photographer and the camera
I'm sure mother will love this. Right?

@ʙ ⁞ juho b 。 /when i hear your voice i lift my face and turn my head in your direction, looking up at you since you're aggravatingly a bit taller than me, your comment most would take as a compliment, but not me
/slowly i look up the length of your body, starting from your shoes and finally settling on your eyes after giving your hair a pointed look, holding your gaze for several moments
/its enough to make grown men tremble and buckle, i should know, but you always seem to thrive under it, so i simply step closer and reach my hands up, adjusting the collar on your shirt as i speak
perhaps we'll talk fashion when you don't look like an egg, little brother
now come
/retracts my hands and walks over to the backdrop, bowing my head to the photographer and its like a switch is flipped, i'm smiling and sweet, pretty as i make idle chatter with him
/once you join me i settle my pose for a relaxed but proper one, head tipped up a bit and eyes bright as i have my torso turned toward you, its all about appearances after all, and making our mother happy

@○ ⁞ joongi l 。 /truth be told, if not for a certain text exchange, I probably would have given the prom a pass after snagging a cup of punch, though it was not for lack of interest
/perhaps it was partly my fault for letting our mother know that there was supposed to be a prom in the first place, but I didn't think she would insist on me going, let alone you too
/the plain white button down left untucked at the back to hang over a pair of pleated khakis was a last minute choice, one of the few things I owned that wasn't denim or a hoodie
/for a brief second I had hope that maybe, just maybe, it would be the actor in you that I would encounter, a smile put on to fulfill a role for the sake of our mother's request
/that hope was quashed the second I caught sight of you near the photo booth, and that little line of a vein pulled taut in your jaw was warning enough that where I was amused, you were anything but
/tossing my empty, clear plastic cup into the nearest bin, I tucked my hands into the pockets of my khakis and made my way closer with quickened steps
Looking good, hyung. Over-dressed but good.

@ʙ ⁞ juho b 。 /prom, its laughable for a man of my age and i won't be mentioning it after tonight, anyone else caught mentioning it, par a couple of people, after that deadline will soon find themselves on the receiving end of a very annoyed summoner
/even with that reluctance i'm hesitant to dress anything less than what i normally would, remembering the colour code i button up a loose pink, striped shirt, tucking half of it into my tattersall suit pants, a matching single ed jacket over the top, the buttons left undone
/with one hand slid into my pant pocket, i briefly peer into the dance hall, swiftly walking onward to the photo booth as i see a couple people getting photos and finishing up
/glancing around i look for you, my expression impassive for the most part but it would take the years of being around me, knowing me, that you have to pick up so easily on my little ticks, like my slightly more tense jaw or the strict curve of my lips
/impatience runs through me, wanting you to show up so we can be done with this silly request made of us, having every intention of leaving as quickly as i can when we're done