@Park Seonghwa Hongjoong wasn't sure how long he had sat there letting his mind wander as he was finally left alone with this thoughts. His phone was sitting beside him and he'd avoided looking at any other comments since the shower, just sitting there lost in his own mind as he considered everything that he'd already learnt. In less than 24 hours he'd gone from being excited to be performing at Coachella and all the other artists he was going to see, to being in a state of mind that had him struggling to function much beyond breathing. He was aware that he was spiralling, that he was taking things further than they needed to, but he also found that he didn't care for that at all. He just wanted to fix the situation.
He was aware that the company would do whatever they felt was right, they would support them no matter what was happening, and deep down he knew that true Atiny would support them as well. Whether that was supporting the relationship that didn't exist or just themselves as people. He knew the members had to be aware that something was wrong with him now. The second run through he'd been so out of it he wasn't even sure if he'd said the right words in his raps, his body running completely on autopilot and avoiding everyone as best he could through the whole thing. And the way he had left afterwards was another clear sign that something was wrong. They knew he was stressed, he knew that much, they'd all been giving him the space he needed to work through it, but even when he was stressed he never ignored them like he had today.
He was sure there had been times that the others had tried to bring him back to himself, to bring him into the performance, but he couldn't even focus on that. He was sure they could put two and two together and work out that something had happened when he'd spoken to the manager. Hongjoong knew deep down that he would have to make sure he was present tomorrow so that he could put them at ease before the performance. They most important thing was still performing for everyone tomorrow, and they could work the rest out, no matter how bad it was. If he needed to step away for a time everyone would understand, they would accept it. He had to believe that despite his mind screaming that not one of the members would let him leave the group over some stupid dating rumour that wasn't remotely true.
Still the negative comments swirled in his mind dragging him further to extreme reactions as he tried to think of how to save the members from this blowing up for them. He'd gone out with Seonghwa before, when they were on tour, they'd hung out and spent time together, so why was this so blown up when it wasn't even them. Why weren't people just assuming it was two friends hanging out together, enjoying the moment of downtime they had before they were back into performing over and over for the fans. Why were they attacking them for simply trying to exist, when it wasn't even them in the photos? Why weren't they being kind to them now when they had every other time?
The knocked pulled him from his thoughts and Hongjoong jumped as he looked towards the door, silently thankful that someone was there to bring him out of the spiral of thoughts he'd put himself in. He let out a break and pushed himself up, moving over to open the door, not even looking as he held it just long enough for the manager to step in and hold it for Seonghwa, Hongjoong moving back to the bed, this time sitting cross legged near the pillows, eyes focused on the end of the bed. Normally Seonghwa's presence would calm him down, fill him with some level of comfort as he understood that he wasn't alone, but now he just felt tense being in the same room. Like anyone could see them right now and would create more articles that just blew things up further and made everything more diifficult for everyone. Hongjoong knew that Seonghwa cared for all the members as well, that he would do anything to protect them, they were on the same side, but now they were both causing problems for the others that he was sure they were both going to struggle with the situation.
Once Seonghwa was in, and the door was shut the manager started talking right away. Going over the article first, until he was sure they both knew about it, and then discussing the options that he'd already gone over with Hongjoong. A statement, no action, or anything else they could think of. He reminded them both that the company was there to support them but it did nothing to ease the weight that was settling in Hongjoong's stomach. He knew he needed to open his mouth and talk about what he thought, but he wasn't sure he had the strength. He needed to be the captain, and he needed his right hand, only his right hand was the other side of the problem. He couldn't get support from Seonghwa right now, he needed to find his own support.
"I don't think we should release a statement" Hongjoong muttered, finding his voice and being surprised at how strong he sounded. He was good at putting on his captain person, and while he was often struggling through things inside he would hold it together externally for the others. This was no different, but he felt more broken than he ever had before and he wasn't sure where he was pulling the strength from. "Drawing attention to the article will just make things worse at this point, like we are trying to hide something. I think the company should look into it anf find out what they can about who started the rumours and who was in the photos even, try and get things sorted that way, but either of us coming out and saying it wasn't us or we aren't dating or whatever is just going to make more people talk about it."
Hongjoong let out a breath as he considered his own words before he nodded a little. No matter how much he spiralled and how far his thoughts pulled him to the extreme he was still sure this was the best idea they had for now. If things continued to blow up they could revisit it then. Using whaever strength he could muster he glanced at Seonghwa though he could only look for a few seconds before he attention moving just in front of the other so it looked like he was looking without actually having to see the other. He couldn't bare to see what the other was thinking, how this was affecting him. He felt guilty enough without attention being drawn to his failures.
"We should be careful of our interactions until things calm down" He added, voice considerably weaker now. He was sure the manager wouldn't understand the sentiment behind those words but he knew that Seonghwa would. Seonghwa knew he well, had known him better than anyone else for a long time that there was no doubt to Hongjoong that Seonghwa was well aware of what he was saying. 'We shouldn't interact at all, I'll be avoiding you'. Just thinking the meaning in his own head made him feel sick, to push away Seonghwa like he was going to, but he had to, he needed to save he others from what could happen if things continue to blow up and fans started causing problems.
"Do you agree?" Honjoong heard the manager ask, assuming it was to Seonghwa, and he immediately turned his attention forward again, forcing his mind into the conversation. As much as he was sure this was the right course for now, he still cared what Seonghwa thought. Seonghwa was intelligent in ways that Hongjoong wasn't, it was why they were so perfect working together as a team. He would always listen to wha Seonghwa thought the right option was for any situation before they made their final decision, but a part of him feared the response he would hear. Would Seonghwa want him gone for failing? Would he accuse Hongjoong of being an unfit leader and request that he leave the group, temporarily or permenantly? Would Seonghwa understand or was Hongjoong completely alone in his own mind?
@Kim Hongjoong He easily spotted Hongjoong talking to their manager. It was by chance they had looked at each other and met one another's gaze, or rather maybe Seonghwa had felt the other's eyes on him and felt compelled to look over. He looked away just as quickly though, part of him wishing that he hadn't looked over in the first place because he didn't like the feeling that washed over him from it. There was no telling what exactly was running through Hongjoong's mind. Although Seonghwa was concerned about their leader's mental state, especially if he felt comfortable enough to avoid him without warning, but he also didn't want to dive too deeply into it. He knew that it was most likely because of the article and he wasn't going to take it personally. The world they lived in required hard work and perseverance to make it anywhere but, all the same, it was an incredibly fragile existence. One wrong move, facial expression, gesture, sentence... Anything really. All it took was just one small thing in the wrong direction and everything shattered. Sometimes, it was a slow crack and other times, it was all at once, even worse when it left glass everywhere. When it would splinter first and find additional victims as it cracked to pieces.
This was one of their more fragile moments. There was no sure-fire way to handle this and not get some sort of consequences. There was also no telling which step they could take that would give them the least backfire. That's why Seonghwa wasn't taking it personally. It kind of hurt but he was a reasonable man and knew that Hongjoong would do just about anything to protect their team, even if it meant keeping his distance.
As practice ended and he was peeling off his mic and wiping himself down with the small cloth he'd been given, he just kept to himself. His mind hand managed not to linger too much on the article but, realistically, he couldn't forget it that easily. He couldn't help wondering just how all of this would play out, if it would have any effect on their show, on how their fans would feel about the performance, at least those that knew about the article. He also couldn't deny how curious he was as to how quickly something like that would spread before the show and after. Lost in his thoughts, Hongjoong's voice, a quick whisper on the wind as he passed by, drew him back. He looked after him for a moment, debating if he wanted to even discuss all of this now.
What was there to say?
Seonghwa found a somewhat welcomed distraction as he ended up with both Wooyoung and San's attention on the ride back to the hotel. Their chatter and attention had helped quell his wandering mind for the moment. He was able to forget everything for a little while longer. Those thoughts held out as he got to his room and got in the shower. As he stepped out and dried off, he was reunited with the train of thought all over again, especially as he tried to figure out what to put on. He opted for some loungewear as he reminded himself that Hongjoong had asked to see him. He let a soft sigh escape before making his way to the other's room.
Seonghwa stood there for quite some time, considering and reconsidering knocking. He'd even raised his hand at some point to do so but he wasn't sure what he'd say once Hongjoong opened the door. They were both intelligent. They understood what was going on. Seonghwa may not have been the leader but he couldn't deny that he'd do just about anything to protect his team as well. He turned around, considering walking away but soon heard the voice of their manager asking if he was going in. Seonghwa paused and just walked back, giving the simple excuse that he hadn't been sure if Hongjoong was in the room at the moment. That wasn't too far-fetched and wasn't entirely a lie either.
He stood next to the other as the manager knocked on the door, waiting patiently. Some part of him really wanted to run away for some reason though.
@Park Seonghwa Hongjoong had managed to keep himself busy until they were situated on stage running through their setlist. It was hard to completely avoid Seonghwa while they performed, many times the pair would be near one another, and any time that happened Hongjoong found himself stumbling over simple steps until he could put more distance between them again. He was sure the others had noticed, but he hoped they would just chalk it up t the exhaustion finally catching up with him. He'd pull it together for the show, he always did.
And so he focused on each step, pushing harder and harder the longer he shared the stage with Seonghwa. he made sure never to meet the others eye, and focused completely on what his was doing and how he could put in a little more distance when it was needed. Getting lost in the performace was enough to distract him from the turmoil he felt and things began to ease off as they came to finish the first set. Hongjoong was feeling a lot more like himself as they said their farewells as if ending the set and moved to exit the stage, quickly returning to the middle to sort out the small things each member wanted done differently.
Hongjoong had left the others to discuss things first, moving to get a drink of water and wipe the sweat that had accumulated on his brow as his manager caught his eye, weaving through the small crowd of stage staff who were waiting for their jobs to commence once more allowing them to reset the stage for the next act to practice. Ateez getting one more run through before a final shot in the morning and then the show. His focus was on the manager though, a slightly frazzeled look on his face as he motioned for Hongjoong to come over. With a glance back at the members seeing them all discussing their requests to adjust microphone levels and feedback in the inner ears. BB Trippin were there with them and they weren't alone so Hongjoong hopped off the stage and moved over to meet his manager.
Being the only Korean's in the area helped with things like this. They didn't need to move far from the stage to share a private word or two, instead just standing close and talking in hushed whispers in their native tongue. Hongjoong wasn't sure what he expected the problem to be, something with a song choice or one of the props or something, the article far from his mind for the first time since he had first read it. Of course he couldn't stay that lucky though, his manager drawing Hongjoong's attention to the article on his phone returning the fear to Hongjoong's entire being. He wished above all else that he could have got through this without it returning to his mind but he wasn't that lucky.
It was this moment that the teasing voices of Wooyoung reached his ears as he tormented Seonghwa for his apparent sleepiness, commenting on him needing to rest more or something. Despite avoiding the other male, Hongjoong still cared for him, he cared for all of them, so he spun to look at the eldest member frowning a little as he realised how well rested Seonghwa looked. It clearly wasn't that he was tired, which meant he'd seen the article, and was likely aware that Hongjoong was avoiding him. He cursed a little to himself and turned back to the manager, who was still asking what they wanted to do about it. He held a hand up and muttered something about talking about it later, once they were back at the hotel, before he moved back to the stage. He'd already made up his mind, but there wasn't time for them to get into it now.
He moved back to the stage, keeping his focus on what they were doing, requesting his own changes that he wanted before they were back into a rehearsal, unable to lose himself in the performance this time. His mind continually focused back on the article, wondering just how bad the reaction had become for his manager to pull him away at a time like this. If Atiny were reacting negatively to everything that was happening, they wouldn't be able to just ignore it, they'd have to make a statement. Statements rarely seemed to help in Hongjoong's opinion. He had seen many other idols accused of relationships deny the accusations only to end up in more difficult situations that ruined everything.
Everything Hongjoong feared was happening, and he didn't know how to fix it.
As soon as they had finished their farewells once more, they thanked the staff and moved away from the stage, Hongjoong taking only a few seconds to tell Seonghwa to come to his hotel room once he was changed and showered before he left with the manager. He didn't utter a word to the other members, didn't even look at Seonghwa as he'd said those few words, and didn't ride back in the cars with them. Instead he rode with his manager, talking about what the options were, what the reaction was from the fans, and what the possible problems were going to be.
Hongjoong had dared to read some of the comments from Atiny on the drive back. There were so many different reactions to the false article that Hongjoong didn't know what to focus on. Some fans were in support of their relationship, talking about their love and how sweet it was. Others were supportive but less happy about it, accepting that it was a thing but unhappy in the same respect. Hongjoong didn't mind these reactions. There were a fair few that were asking if the photos were fake, questioning the validity despite how similar the people in the picture were to them, others were asking for privacy for the idols, not caring whether it was true or not. These were the reactions Hongjoong had hoped for, people who saw it for what it was.
The reactions that Hongjoong stuck to were less than friendly. People asking for them to be removed from the group, others talking about how disgusting it was. People accusing them of damaging the image of the group. It hurt Hongjoong that any Atiny would think that any of the members would dare risk the rest of the group over something like a date. The guilt came back once again as he realised he had failed to save the others for such a thing. No matter how many good comments appeared, the negative ones pierced his heart and drove him into despair. Perhaps he should step away from the group for a while, give them time to recover without him. They would survive without him, he was sure.
Hongjoong wasn't really aware that he was back at the hotel until his manager was pushing him inside, telling him to shower and get changed so they could discuss everything. He moved robotoically through the experiance, standing motionless until the scolding water of the shower for a little too long as he continued to read the negative comments in his mind. By the timee he left the shower his skin was pink from the temperature and his shirt felt rough against the inflamed skin, but he still sat back to wait for Seonghwa and the manager to return so they could work out what they were going to do and then he could isolate himself once more as he debated what his chooice should be moving forward.
@Kim Hongjoong With everything that had been going on lately, there had been little time to rest. It was more accurate to say none at all. That wasn't anything new though. Since their debut, things had gradually picked up, as was normal. They would get these pockets though it seemed where things would really pick up. The spike would bring them not just more attention but more activities. It made sense in his head that companies and shows would want to jump on the bandwagon of popularity. It benefitted them as much as it benefitted the group to be guests. More attention, more traction, more fans, more work. It was how the entertainment industry worked. It was a cycle that only stopped if you somehow stopped. Breaks were dangerous in this game, regardless of the reasoning behind the break. It could be health, mandatory military duty, family, or another personal reason. Any break could lead to what felt like a setback in one's career. Staying active for years was the best solution.
So, Seonghwa took their activities, and their busy schedules, as a blessing.
It was tiring but things like this, them performing at Coachella, were stepping stones that proved their efforts weren't for naught. Of course, it helped to have a team and staffing in place that was willing to assist in making these dreams come true for them but they couldn't forget to give themselves their due credit. At times, it was easy to forget their hard work. Seonghwa himself couldn't say there wasn't at least once where he felt undeserving, regardless of his limbs feeling like jelly, his lungs desperate for air, his throat raspy, and the sweat soaking his clothes. They'd all worked to their limits and then some, himself included. There were just times when it felt unreal. Those long seemingly endless rehearsals and trainings would sometimes feel like dreams.
The fact that they could take a short break in Los Angeles, and the weather was just right, felt unreal. Part of him considered staying in but he felt it'd be a waste if he didn't at least go for a walk. They were going to have rehearsal for their stage at Coachella the next day and things would take off from there. He wasn't sure when their next break even for a day would actually be so he felt his only option was to make the most of it.
Getting himself showered and dressed, Seonghwa took himself out for breakfast first before a day that was full of sightseeing. He could easily say that he'd kept himself busy until the sun had gone down, returning to his room and preparing himself for the next day. He'd managed to go the majority of the day without interacting or even running into the other members which made for a quiet day but he was still quite exhausted and knew that he needed to get sleep as it would be a long day. He ended up doing just that, making it easier for him to get up on time and get ready to head to practice.
It still felt incredibly early but he was the least tired it seemed as he settled into their ride from the hotel to the stage area. On the way there, he looked out the window, took a few photos and just looked through some things on his phone. The ride wasn't long but it was long enough, even more so thanks to LA traffic, so he'd had ample time to casually scroll. It was nice to see just how excited everyone was for their performance and it was also somewhat amusing to see people still talking about the dates and stops for their tour not having dropped yet. The speculations about the setlist and tour announcement, among other things, were fun to look through. A good way to pass the time but simultaneously a good boost to morale for the practice for the day.
As he continued to scroll through things, looking up various things related to both himself and the group, one headline seemed to be circulating quite a bit. It was dated from the day before and had already gotten a decent amount of attention. He had to re-read the actual headline a few times as well as check and double- and triple-check the photos to make sure his own eyes weren't playing tricks on him. He wasn't sure when the photo had been taken, considering it was even making him question when was the last time he'd seen or spoken to Hongjoong. Glancing around, he was aware now that they had ended up taking different rides. Part of him was concerned, knowing how Hongjoong could be. Not having seen the other the day prior, Seonghwa wondered if Hongjoong had come across the article or not already.
Seonghwa knew it wasn't true. It would weigh on him but, again, he knew that it wasn't true. Eventually, much like everyone else, the story would go forgotten and just be a fun thing that fans would probably play with down the road. For now, he wouldn't focus too much on it. He couldn't. They had something much more important to handle and a distraction like that was unnecessary, to say the least. Seonghwa just hoped that it would be something he nor Hongjoong or any of their members or company would have to address. As long they ignored it, there was a chance it would fade away sooner rather than later. Their performance alone would surely bury the headline.
As rehearsal kicked off, he was finding it hard to ignore the article. It wasn't the article itself though. Just the fact that he was hyper-aware of Hongjoong not coming anywhere near him. The distance forced him to question what could even be the possible cause and his brain kept shoving the article to the forefront of his mind. He hated it because surely that wasn't the reason, right? There was no way Hongjoong would take something so silly to heart and make an effort to separate himself, right?
No, Kim Hongjoong would undeniably do something like that.
That was the most irritating thought. They hadn't spoken about it or anything and Hongjoong, just being himself, had obviously made some sort of choice on his own. Seonghwa really, really didn't want to believe that was what was going on but they had genuinely made it through an entire practice, a whole stage rehearsal, without interacting once. They were currently taking a small break before going one more round and getting things perfected some more. He could hear the members' voices from different areas of the stage as they worked with the sound team and the microphones. He was zoned out whenever his turn came up, thankfully not enough to draw attention. There were jokes that maybe he was just tired. He let them stick, let everyone believe that's what it was without saying much of anything about it.
If he had to be honest, it was things like this about Hongjoong that got under his skin. He thought it was admirable how the leader would look out for all of them, without question, but then he'd turn around and do things like this. He'd handle things silently. No, Hongjoong wasn't the only one to do so amongst them but this habit of his where he swallowed things to the point that he would metaphorically choke on them could get tiring. Extremely tiring. It was the somewhat nicer option between that and lashing out. Then again, maybe it was just because if Hongjoong was burying whatever was bothering him, one could still be around him and spend time with him. Something Seonghwa could admit, at least to himself, that he did enjoy.
There was no telling how long this was going to last and Seonghwa was already tired of it.
Hongjoong was tired. He was sure the others were tired as well. They'd had a busy start to the year. From the concert in Korea and Japan, the Japanese release, Kcon season starting and award shows, guest appearances and everything else they hadn't really had a chance to breathe let alone rest. But Hongjoong thrived in these conditions, being busy stopped him from thinking about things too much, or worrying about every little detail that hardly needed to be worried over. If they were busy Hongjoong couldn't get distracted by the crushing weight of his need to deliver something bigger and better every time.
Despite being busy, Hongjoong had made it a point to distrac himself further by spending each waking moment at the studio working on whatever he could get his hands on. New songs, covers, old songs, nothing was safe from his hands as he focused on every little detail. Every tiny thing that he could have done better, every pose he could have pulled better, each performance he was lacking in. He wouldn't let Atiny see a bad performance, wouldn't give them a bad song, and wouldn't let s down in any way. He was strong, capable, and he needed to be there for them.
He always got like this when things started to pile up on their plates. With so many things happening and new chances to see Atiny and show themselves to the world, Hongjoong put his mask in place and became the captain he put on stage almost 24/7. He was the strong and dependable leader that everyone could come to with their problems. When San had doubted his abilities Hongjoong had spoken with him and reaffirmed him that he was doing well. When Yeosang doubted his abilities, Hongjoong reminded him of the love from the fans and his growing confidence. No matter the problem presented to him Hongjoong had a solution, and his own swirling doubt and anxieties were pushed deep down where no one would be able to see them.
He was sure the others saw the cracks though. The times that he snapped a little too quickly over something small, the times he pushed them to practice just one more time despite the hours they had already done, and the lack of his making it to the dorm. They had been together for years now, they knew one another well enough, they knew Hongjoong did this, and they would wait for him to break down or for things to return to normal. Talking to him now likely wouldn't help. He knew it, and he was sure they knew it too. He was just happy that they were still coming to him for help, it made him feel useful, made him feel like he had some control over his life.
There was only one problem with the new experiences they were being blessed with. In America he couldn't just hide away in the studio and work. He had his laptop, and he'd worked in hotel rooms many times before, but it wasn't the same level of comfort and isolation as he was useful. The last few days had been free of any events, giving them all a little down time in LA. He was aware of the others going out, aware of the fans reactions to seeing them, but still he isolated himself away, his mind stressing over every detail of their performance at Coachella. They weren't the only Korean's who would be there, nor were they the first, but there was still a lot of attention on them and Hongjoong's desire to do well was almost worse than that of their own concerts. He needed to do well, they needed to do well.
With a sigh Hongjoong pushed the laptop away from himself once more as he leant over the small table in his hotel room. The sun was down he'd heard the members returning, Wooyoung's voice loud enough to hear no matter where he was, but things had quietened since then. He was sure the others had eaten and he knew he needed to order something before room service shut off for the night, but for now he just needed a break, needed just five seconds to be Kim Hongjoong, not Ateez's Captain.
Without much thought, he pulled out his phone and immediately began to search up the group, something he'd taken to with the upcoming performance looming. He liked to see what the others had got up to that day, and what they had been caught doing by Atiny or news outlets. Much of it was normal, talks about the performance that weekend, and talks about each members exploration of LA since they'd been here. After the 10th article showing of Yeosang's barefaced trek to see the hollywood sign a single headline caught his attention, something so different from all the others.
"Kim Hongjoong and Park Seonghwa caught on intimate date in LA"
Hongjoong was clicking on the link before he could rationalise any thought. He had to admit it looked so believable, even he would have argued that the photos there looked awefully like himself and Seonghwa. There were slight differences that he could tell, but they were close enough that it was likely many fans wouldn't notice. It was such small differences that Hongjoong was sure it would only be family who could tell it wasn't them. He read through the whole article of this fictious date that he had apparently been on, and the more he read the more he felt something drop in his stomach. This was bad... They didn't need this for a dating scandal two days before Coachella.
As soon as he was finished with the article, he sit his phone down and leant back, panic settling into his core as he thought about everything that was happening, everything that people might be thinking. He was sure Atiny were talking about it depite the story dropping no more than an hour ago. He was scared to look, almost too scared to actually breathe as his mind tried to fix what had happened, what was happening. He'd have to put distance between them, make sure the fans could see that there was distance there, he'd stick to Wooyoung's side again, wait for the rumours to setlle and make sure that could never happen again.
As the panic settled and the exhaustion crept back in, Hongjoong settled on his plan ready to solve the problem again, hopefully before any of the other members noticed. He was ignoring the part of his mind that was reminding him that Seonghwa often searched his own name so would likely be aware of the article at some point. Having a quick shower, forgoing food and settling in bed, Hongjoong let himself go to sleep early for the first time in what felt like months.
The sleep was not exactly restful, his night was plagued by horrid dreams of fans and members alike turning their backs on him for the rumours. Seonghwa's angry expression focused on him for not being able to protect them from something like this. He had failed to protect them and now he was going to ruin everything they had worked for, over a tabloid post. When the sun made it's way through the tiny gap in his curtains Hongjoong was sure he looked like a ghost. Deciding on another shower and makeup rather than breakfast he made sure to at least look presentable. Today they would rehearse for the show tomorrow.
He made his way from the room when it was time, and not a moment sooner, not wanting to risk questions or prying eyes (or being stuck alone with Seonghwa). He made it to the meeting point on time and was thankfully quickly ushered away after forcing out a cheerful greeting. He made sure to get in a car where Seonghwa wasn't, which surprisingly seemed a lot more natural than he thought it would be in his head, the distribution just working in his favour. Once they left the safety of the van however he was at the mercy of his own skill.
He made sure to talk to the dancers, the production team, anyone else he could to make himself busy while they waited for their turn. Sticking with whatever member was away from Seonghwa and finding a reason to move on if Seonghwa looked to be on the move towards where he was. It was exhausting tying to constantly keep track of where Seonghwa was, while staying attentive and present in conversation. He just needed to survive like this for a couple of months, and everything would blow over and he could relax a little once more. Just a few months...
