end of an era?

i don't really know how to start this lmao

i've been reflecting on the past, the present, and the future for the last week or so. what has become of rpr and if my feelings were valid. so, i've decided to lay it all out here, even though most won't bother reading (me too).

rpr has become far less enjoyable for me—  i find myself majorly bored. there is no more inclusivity in this place, cliques will be cliques, friends will be friends. i've experienced this in plenty of non-au's and au's (even when they put no bubble rping, be inclusive, etc in the rules, nothing is enforced). i can barely last 1-3 days in these new rps anymore. everyone is so into interacting with people they favour or are already acquainted with. there hasn't been room to make new friendships or rpr-ships (?). it's the same old people, rinse and repeat, whether it be coupling or engaging in conversation with those they're used to. now, we're all guilty of this in some shape or form, no one is without flaw. i understand the concept behind it/the reasoning, it just becomes increasingly tiring to try and put yourself out there when you're practically interacting with a wall based on how everyone skips over you. a simple good morning being blatantly ignored even though there are only 2 people in the chat. even a post attempting to interact with whatever is going on doesn't reach. i know this place has practically become a big chatting site instead, with the handful of actual rping (aus mostly or LMAO). it's too bad that in all my years of being here, 2023-2024 became the dullest. 

maybe it's cause i've grown up, had my dealings with rpr and friend drama from whatever toxicity this site gives off, but, i think i'm getting to a space where i'm ready to part with it. this is no longer a place i seek out much, there's much disappointment in interactions with people, including those i consider friends (mostly getting busy with real life or in other rps). jumping from nonau to nonau just isn't my thing anymore. i'm tired of making efforts that aren't received back, which end up being a waste of my time.

2024 feels like the year to stop wasting energy on trivial things, on trying to be the one to be in contact with someone or attempt to be the one that keeps a friendship or rpr couple alive. i've come to accept that most of my interactions on here are simply an "rpr friendship". something that doesn't hold any weight or much importance. something that i've been giving too much of my time to and failed to receive any type of motivation to continue. something that distracts me from the now, the people who are actively seeking me out, and who are present with me.  i cherish the many memories i've made (good and bad, some haunt me in constant reflection for things i can't change), the friendships i've formed over the years and have stuck, the ones i can actively say i consider true friends on and off this site.

i've been in a stressful environment for over a year now, which now includes my workplace for the most part. i'm aware that when i enter a high level of stress (based on whatever is going on) that my feelings turn into sensitive mush and that ain't a good mix with rpr crap (so stupid, what do they put in this site that makes us be so toxic). this stressful situation is something that will persist for a while and i'm unable to extinguish it currently. i think this factored into my decision of pulling back from this site, a wise decision on my part. real life is catching up to me, i'm not getting any younger. i think i want to focus more on myself and the people around me. i want to appreciate what's before me without feeling the need to constantly check my phone, without having to engage in a chat setting trying to stay relevant or with the conversation. without trying to garner attention from people who could careless or trying to compete for rpr romance. my late 2024 resolution is to be more present in my life. 

i know i'm not the most favoured on this site, that's fine, i've made my mistakes, atoned for them, learned from them, and continued to trudge along trying to put my best foot forward. everyone on this site has made a mistake in some form, which i've learned even the ones with good intentions can be made out to seem like vile humans when someone wants to (i've experienced this). i've had nervous breakdowns and anxiety from this site, which seems crazy because we're all just people behind a screen, we often forget.

there are many things i regret, many things i wish i could take back, change or at least get closure from. there's times i wish i would have stood up for myself, been able to acknowledge that my feelings and boundaries were valid, that i did not need to apologize for something that wasn't my fault or beg and grovel to keep a friendship together that clearly held no weight for the other person. i can't help but be in constant self reflection of my past, especially when this site reeks of it. i see value in myself, my time, and my efforts. i've grown exhausted of the amount i put out with nothing filling me back up, my tank has been depleted. i find myself being okay with distancing from this place.

 this time around, i'm not considering leaving because i think no one will miss me, or because i adequate my self worth to how much attention i get from people on this site (yes, i'm mega needy, self awareness bro). i'm considering leaving for the fact that this space just isn't what it used to be or something i'm actively engaging in. been doing this since teenhood and ruined my life with it LMAO. we're adults now, which i can argue that all of us have some growing up to do, me included (not here for the high school drama club). 

i'm still growing up, navigating life, and learning about myself, that journey is never ending. 

for now, i think i'd call this a soft retirement. i won't be joining any new places, just hanging out in my safe space from time to time (not much action going on anyway). 10 years on this site was far more than enough, and i'm even surprised i made it that long (i blame the friends i made, it's y'alls fault).

i might consider discord rping cause anything to get away from constantly logging onto this site.. or privs if someone rly wants idk. if you want to actively keep in touch with me, i'd be happy to give out my discord (i'm most active there). i have plenty of dog pics <3

shout out to the ones that have stuck with me and have continued to show up for me, i'm forever grateful for you

and one piece of advice i can give — keep your peace, don't involve yourself

if you made it this far, you're kinda nosy or smth LMAO time to un drop myself bc i ain't ashamed of who i am anymore (even though no one rly cares bc who even read this all..)

all my concerns - watermelonpowa, honeymoon, pleuvoir, moderato, chevre, ✯ saigon (est. 2014)

your resident mamamoo, a.c.e, woodz, dreamcatche, purple kiss, b.a.p enthusiast 

WHEEIN