Apology / Rant ? I guess you can say.

I need to get something off my chest. I've literally cried myself to sleep every night just stressing about this, as well as other factors ooc.

Well first things first, I feel like I owe people some apologies on here. Though they'll most likely ignore it or not even see it. 
I said some things about people which was out of rage I guess you can say. Whenever I'm mad or upset, I tend to say a lot of things that I don't mean then I regret it almost immediately. I honestly never really meant for anyone to get hurt by my words, nor were my words meant to be read. I guess I should stick to that rule, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it." So for those that I hurt, I'm sorry. I really am, I never meant for you guys to get hurt. I'll apologize a million times and I know honestly it'll never be enough. I really cannot stress how much I regret what I've said. You guys are an amazing group of people and I know that you guys probably resent / hate me or something, and I'll be okay with that-. 

. . .

A little something about what's going on with my ty life . I'm not writing this for sympathy, I just need to get this off my chest as well. It's just been building up and tearing me apart i.

My mother has had diabetes for the past six years and the doctors didn't tell her anything about it till recently. I feel so bad that it's gotten to the point where she needs insulin shots. I would stay up for nights at a time just checking up on here. I remember how frantic I was when I learned that her blood sugar levels went up to 300+, or even as low as 50, and how the levels would barely go down or up by two hours.  My mom coworkers says that she shouldn't go to bed with her levels that high or low, or else she could go into a coma and never wake up. I have honestly never been that worried for my mother, she's always been a strong and brave soul: she has conquered ovarian cancer twice. She tells me everyday that she doesn't know how long she can hold on and it breaks my heart, it really does. I see her health deteriorating quickly and it worries me so much. She's even at a high risk of cancer at the moment, but she won't even tell me the results of her mamogram. And to top it all off, she's dealing with my father.

Although I love the man very mucn,I do not respect the he puts my mother through. Not once throughout the 25+ years they've been together has he been faithful. I don't want to get into too much detail, but my father is currently fighting with a money hungry who knows how to work the court system and is literally leeching money off of him. I cannot tell you how many letters we get a week from that   woman demanding my father to pay hundreds of health care bills that he's not even responsible to pay. According to the child support, he's only required to pay for his child's needs only when he has insurance, which he does not have atm. That woman has jobs of her own, which she quits so my father can pay more money for their child.  And she's not even a single mother, she has now remarried and her husband makes more than my dad does. And I honestly don't see why she keeps on bugging my dad for money when he literally pays like a lot of money for child support. When my father left my mother for two or three years with three kids my mother never saw a single penny from him.  She would wait in line for hours just trying to get us free milk. Yet this has the nerve to keep demanding more money from my father and she gets over $15,000  [or more, I don't really know how much he pays, I forgot?]  in child support each year . I don't mind it when my mother leans on me, but I've gotten to a point where I'm literally above my limits. She's always been debating whether or not to divorce him, but he's all that she has really known. I can tell that she loves him deeply, but he walks all over her like she's a door mat. He can do all this to her yet no matter what he knows he always has a place to come back to. He always has his phone off on the weekends, he accidentally sent a text to my mother saying that he was sending someone over from his native country to the U.S. She repeats the same words: "I'll divorce him when you finish high school." "I don't love him anymore." 
Yet when he comes home she's all over him, and it just frustrates me I--. I don't know.  

And to top this all off, I'm starting college, the game of loans. I have a job, but it's not really a job. I just get paid in tips. It and I'm debating whether or not it's worth it but I really need this money for college to help my mom out. I work 8 hours shifts only to make 50 bucks, maybe even less on a good day, if I get really lucky I can make 60-80 but I don't know. I want her to know that I don't always want to depend on her.  And I literally feel like seeing my mom stress out, it's not good for her health-. I'm honestly glad to help my mother out whenever. It's the least I can do for her putting up with me for the past eighteen years. She feels like borrowing my money and whenever I tell her it's okay pay me back whenever she just feels bad and I guess she feels like she's not a good mom? But honestly she's the best mom and I wouldn't trade her for the world. College has me so stressed out though, I'm taking the cheaper route but then there's books and tuition and all these debts piling off. I'm going to work two jobs very soon and I don't know how I can handle it-. I just don't know anymore. I come here to sorta blow off steam but it's just been so hard to find good roleplays with those hella talented writers. Like where did you all go? Please don't hide from me i - ; ;