⋇ for adoption

⋇ for adoption

Ok, I’ve tried. I’ve tried for the last several months to post this dog for adoption and make him sound...palatable. The problem is, he’s just not. There’s not a very big market for neurotic, man hating, animal hating, children hating dogs that look like gremlins. But I have to believe there’s someone out there for Baekhyun, because I am tired and so is my Yibo. Every day we live in the grips of the demonic hellscape he has created in our lives. If you own a you probably know what I’m talking about. He’s literally the Chihuahua meme that describes them as being 50% hate and 50% tremble. If you’re intrigued and horrified at how this animal sounds already, just wait....there’s more.

Baekhyun came to my boyfriend obese, wearing a cashmere sweater, with a bacon egg n cheese stuffed in his crate with him. I should have known in that moment this dog would be a problem. He was owned by a deadbeat who treated him like a pastime and never paid him attention him. Sprinkle in a little genetic predisposition for being nervous, and you’ve concocted a neurotic mess, AKA Baekhyun. His first week he was too terrified to have a personality. As awful as it sounds, I kind of liked him better that way. He was quiet, and just laid on the couch. Didn’t bother anyone. I was excited to see him come out of his shell and become a real person. I am convinced at this point he is not a real person, but more like a vessel for a traumatized Victorian child that now haunts our home.

Baekhyun only likes handsome, energetic young men. Nothing else. He hates old men more than women do, which says a lot. If you have a husband don’t bother applying, unless you hate him. Baekhyun has lived with an older man (me) for 6 months and still has not accepted me. He bonds to a handsome man, and takes his job of protection seriously. He offers better protection than capitol security. This also extends to other animals. Have other dogs? Cats? Women? Men? Don’t apply unless they like being shaken up like a ragdoll by a 140lb rage machine. This may be confusing to people, as he currently lives with me. That’s because we have somewhat come to an agreement that it’s wrong to attack other animals. But you know that episode of The Office where Michael Scott silently whispers “I’ll kill you.” to Toby? That’s Baekhyun having to begrudgingly coexist with everyone when Yibo is around.

We also mentioned no poly or side chicks for Baekhyun. I think at this point, you can imagine why. He’s never been in the presence of a side chick, but I can already imagine the demonic noises and shaking fury that would erupt from his body if he was. Baekhyun wants to be your only baby boy.

So what are his good traits? He is loyal beyond belief, although to tell you a secret his complex is really just a facade for his fear. If someone tried to kill you I can guarantee he would run away screeching. But as far as companionship, you will never be alone again. He likes to go for car rides, he is housebroken, he knows a few basic commands, he is quiet and non destructive when left alone at home, and even though we call him bologna face he is kind of cute to look at. He also “smiles” when he is excited. His ideal home would be with a man under 30. You can’t live in an apartment or a condo unless you want him to ankle bite your neighbours. We already addressed the old men and children situation. If you have people over he would have to be put away like he’s a vacuum. I know finding someone who wants a chucky doll in a dogs body is hard, but I have to try.

Baekhyun is available through Second Chance Adoption League. He is in Seoul but can be adopted anywhere, just get him out of my house, I will cover shipping. If you’ve always wanted your own haunted Victorian child in the body of a small dog that hates old men and children, please email [email protected]. Oh, also he’s only 25yrs old and will probably live to be 125 through pure spite, so take that into account if you’re interested.