❛ almost is never enough. ❜

the moment it happened, aspen began regretting it all— regretting opening to ask for more, regretting how her heart and soul yearned for him regardless of situation. but most of all, she regretted not having the guts enough to fight him to stay. it was so wrong, everything was. she felt cold in her heart, void of emotion and worse, love and they both knew how much she hated the cold. and she hated him leaving so much more. her hands folded into fists, curled into her own lap as a refrain from reaching for him. the kiss— god, the kiss broke her more. she didn’t think it be possible, to wish the emotion that radiated from such a simple action was something entirely different. she wanted his kisses then, more than anything. but he left, her room as cold as her heart was, rid of any warmth that he’d brought her. and suddenly, she was just aspen, no one’s peach or ray of sunshine.

the words he wanted to say to her, the words that would give her one last firework show the sincerity of his love for her, were barred by the plethora of promises he couldn't and didn't keep. if she couldn't have sunrises with him, she'd have sunsets with another, someone who was worthy of witnessing the sunlight in her eyes, in her smile. how dark the days ahead would be without her. how quiet the concerto in his heart will be without ceol a chroí. silas finally tilted his head up, eyes ready to meet hers but instead, he was met with her lifeless compliance. and it induced him in a state of perturbation. his heart squeezed terribly in his chest as though someone had reached inside and wished to make it stop beating. the agony was too much to take. his hands began trembling again, and he stuffed his wand away as he stood up from the ground. it was over now. why did he feel disappointment? in himself, in her. this was what he wanted, right? he should say something, anything. but nothing came out. his voice would shake, the rhythm of his breaths already shallow. he couldn't let her hear that. so he swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded slowly, surely. "okay," he breathed. it was his goodbye. for now, saying goodbye felt wrong. this parting held nothing of good byes. before he grabbed his things and quietly left her room, he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of her head, silently wishing upon her eternal blessings. for a kiss was never truly just a kiss, unless it was the one in the dictionary.

the cuts on her feet didn’t hurt— not as much as the itch in her palms to make a mad grab at him in search for safety, not as much as the knot in her stomach or the bile that had risen in her stomach from nervousness. aspen stayed still as she let him work on her wounds; she had begun excelling at her charms even with her adepte in potions and dueling but maybe in a way, just like he fixed the cuts, he would fix the broken hearts too. she could only hope- pray. For them to forget this horrible night, for them to move on together yet what they both failed to do was to realize what each other meant for themselves.

what fools they were, fate shook her head as she looked down at them. whatever happened to promises not being made without confidence to uphold? surely, her sister karma had more in mind.

Aspen closed her eyes shut the moment the question was posed, head hanging low— she had experienced heartbreak before but it had been nothing like this. This— it was a soul’s torment in having it’s matching piece ripped away, it was the cry of a love that reached the skies but fell with one poke. and more. Always more. Had he really begun unloving her? She had wanted to try, to understand him in ways he wanted to be known and maybe she had— but truth be told, he was still a mystery to her. Even if she loved mysteries like anything. She didn’t have the confidence to speak, to tell him not to do so, to yell at him for being a coward or to even beg for him to stay. so she simply nodded without an ounce of confidence, praying he would do the opposite.

overflowing aggravation melted away, replaced with worry and deep concern for her open, bleeding wounds. even with his chest heaving, rising up and down from the intensity of their dispute, he moved quick. now that she realized what she had done unconsciously, she would feel the aftermath, the sharp pain that perhaps hurt more or less than the uncertainty of their relationship, of their future together. silas knelt down on the floor in front of her after she sat down, careful not cut himself with the glass. dews of blood seeped from the incisions on the sole of her feet. how could they have been so caught up in their emotions like fools? whether they were fools in love or just plain fools who hid their personal suffering from each other, from the person whom they confided in the most, who would have known? maybe they were both kinds of fools. fools who loved each other with everything they had in them, but fools who were way too foolish and blind to notice that they were more than just lovers. ", aspen. how could you not have felt the pain? did it not ing hurt?" though he tried to show his concern, his words were coarse, low voice still filled with bitterness. "once is not--let me do it." he pulled his wand out, slowly tracing the wooden tip over the wounds as he repeated the spell thrice. the first to slow the bleeding; the second to heal the cuts, and the third to fully restore the broken skin. as good as she was with dueling, healing spells were his forte. "episkey." he could repair her physical injuries. eliminate the pain. but if she asked him to mend her broken heart, her shattered dreams, or if she asked for him to give her back her love and her time he felt he had so cruelly wasted-- he didn't know how. silas wanted to be with her in every sense of the word. to witness infinite sunrises, to devour her precious baked treats, to wake up every morning with her inside his arms. perhaps he did want her forever in the same way that she wanted him. everything began and ended with aspen. the future didn't make sense without her in it. but even then. he barely even knew himself. something inside of him was changing, shifting. and if it were for the worse, he didn't want to drag her down with him. no. he couldn't do that to her. she deserved someone who knew what they wanted. someone to be her steady hand to hold when things were rough. and he was none of those things. "ceol mo chroí.." he whispered, gaze downward, not daring to look her in the eyes-- frightened that if he did, she'd see right through him. he knew that she would. "should we just.. stop trying so hard? we're both so tired, and we barely understand each other anymore."

by everything she had, in all the stars in the universe and more- please do not let them crumble to pieces like this. aspen had never been much of a believer in a higher entity, finding it in herself to trust what fate put in one's path but at that very moment, she prayed fervently to whoever was listening: she did not want to lose him. the air she breathed, the sunrise of her mornings and so much more than that. words evade her when it came to describe her feelings for him, but she remembered describing him to Nana Beaumont as an equal- someone who walked step and step with her, regardless where the path took them. But here they were, on very different ones, so close yet so far away.

"DO YOU THINK ME SUCH A FOOL THAT I WOULD ASK YOU TO HAVE CHILDREN WHEN WE HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT OUR TOMORROWS? HOW DENSE DO YOU THINK I AM?" she yelled back, matching his tone and loudness- at the back of her mind, she wondered if people heard them and snickered at how the honeyed cocoon of the two Ravenclaws had broken. surely, just like in her own soul, an ounce of remorse would be present somewhere. even in him, right? his curse snapped her out of her inner ramblings, hand reaching up to wipe her eyes as she looked down too. when did she- oh, the broken glass. had she become numb to physical pain? surely, for her heart's pain was too much to bear. "i- vulnera sanentur," she murmured under her breath, feeling a sting on the palm of her feet as it began healing, slowly but surely. she sat down away from the mess of blood, beginning to gingerly pick the glass shards from her skin. she flinched visibly, a surge of pain bursting through her body- she could feel. she didn't know if she ought to thank heavens for it or not. "i'll be fine." she spoke after a moment, blankly staring at her bloody but glass-free foot. exhaustion was quick to crash over her, her shoulders slouching into a slump.

his fingers trembled, hands shaking from the steaming frustration. his eyes piercing cold as he peered down at her, jaw clenched so tight that his teeth would be crushed if he dared to put anymore pressure. a tiny voice in him called for him to calm down and take a step back, but the other roared much louder. all the pain and confusion from everything going on in his life at the moment swirled up inside of him like a hurricane, a tornado, and big ugly storm just waiting for a catalyst, a small tiny trigger that would set him off in a furious rage. it was his own fault, his own doing. for being so kept and hidden. his own ing ability to hold back, conceal and never let anyone in no matter how hard they tried. this gift of his felt more like a curse. a cruel slap in the face taunting him, reminding him of how alone in the world his was. not his parent, not even aspen could make him belong.

oh, but she did. aspen made him feel like he belonged somewhere. like he was worthy of experiencing more than just remorse and inadequacy. she was his aingeal; her love for him was his nepenthe, his haven. but now all of that seemed like a gray cloud. something far out of his reach has his blood pumped with adrenaline. "WHAT SITUATION? THIS SITUATION? WE'RE ALREADY ING HERE." he shouted over here, voice reaching volumes that perhaps, most likely could hear from a few doors down. as she closed in on him, he did the same, forgetting about the broken dishes on the floor. when they came close enough to one another, close enough to feel each other's heart beat even with the inch of space between them, silas could see it clearer now. the truth in her eyes. the strength, her unadulterated emotions in plain sight. iridescent tears giving him the reflection of himself that he needed to wake up. and if that wasn't enough, one last step on a sharp glass shard, one that pierced the bottom of his foot, would do it. "!" he winced, eyes shooting to the ground only to see fresh scarlet blood staining aspen's feet. she had walked all over the hazardous mess in the midst of their turmoil, and neither of them noticed. ", aspen! your ing feet are bleeding!"

how it become like this? how did their heaven turn into the truest form of purgatory? aspen hated -despised- it with every fibre of her being, the same amount in her that she loved this boy with. this stupid, foolish boy that kept his heart in the cage of his fingers and refused to give it back. not that she had any problem with it. she'd always understood that they were both trying their best, that they were responsible for their own lives before each other's. she'd also understood when all they could manage was fleeting yet genuine smiles in the hallways, texts reminding each other to eat and words of affection but this? she didn't understand. how had it come down to this? how did get so cold? why did her stomach tie in a knot of anxiety and despair? what happened to the promises of sunrises together? what did the red string on each of their fingers mean now?

she sniffled, raising her hand to wipe at her cheeks with the paw of her hoodie, staining it with the freshness of her tears in an attempt to rid her face of her upset. alas, she failed- the tears poured, like waterfalls of misery and heartache. "DO YOU THINK I KNOW, SILAS? DO YOU THINK I WOULD RECKLESSLY PUT YOU IN SUCH A SITUATION?" she asked, voice bouncing off the walls of the room. she began to step forward towards him, unconsciously stepping into the pile of broken glass. the pain didn't register, her heart's torment for too magnified. "ALL I EVER WANTED FROM YOU WAS JUST TO TRY FOR THAT ETERNITY THAT I WANT WITH YOU. I DONT CARE IF WE DONT HAVE KIDS, I WANT TO BE THE WOMAN FOR YOU TOMORROW. AND FOR AS LONG THERE IS BREATH IN ME." she paused, standing right in front of him. her chest rose and fell with each breath she took, barely able to see in front of her due to her teary eyes. she didn't know her feet were a mess of glass and blood, she didn't know what to make of herself. she just knew that she loved him. irreverently, undeniably and boundlessly. "and i am me, so what? yes, i know i deserve to be happy but is it too much to ask to have you here, happy, with me too, silas? if it so, please give my heart back even if it's yours."

he saw her face fall before the emptiness inside his hands echoed through him. all the light, all the love, all the color from her face drained with a flick of a light switch, and it was at that moment that a familiar sense of dread surged into his stomach, churning it, making him feel sick. . it was just like--no. this. this was much worse. much much worse than that time. and this time he was infinitely more afraid, scared--no--terrified. terrified that their distance had put a wrench between their emotional proximity. over the past few weeks, the days they longed to share with one another were cut in half, quarters. sliced into mere fleeting seconds of good mornings and good nights. until they ended up where they were now. slowly, breaking. aching. he watched her as she became a cloud of fury, tidying up the mess of their movie date--that had gone utterly awry. this was supposed to be a make-up date. for all the times they wanted to just be near the other and breathe, to share their kisses and suffocating hugs like they did before. now she wanted him to leave. either from her room or from her life, he didn't know. it was so unsettling, jarring to hear it coming from her, and he rose to his feet to protest. "aspen, please-" he stopped, listening to what she had to say. he was confused, more so now than before. who before him had ordered her around? so much that she was fed up with it. even with his simple warning he had given her, she didn't want it. he wanted so hard to stay calm, to be her rock, to be the one she could rely on to hold their fort up when everything else surrounding it came crumbling to the ground threatening to tear down their happy little kingdom. but as her voice got louder, french replacing the words he could understand, the amalgamation of stress and despair bubbled up in him equally, and it was vile. poison. "what the , aspen? ní thuigim! i ing love you, and i'm so ing scared to lose you THAT'S WHY i'm telling you this! why are you acting like this? everybody wants something from me, and i'm tired of having to lie! I DON'T WANT TO PRETEND THAT I CAN DO IT. you don't have to tell me what you want because I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. YOU WANT A FAMILY WITH ME, BUT I CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT WILL HAPPEN, ASPEN. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT KIDS. I DON'T EVEN ING KNOW WHAT I WANT TO EAT FOR LUNCH TOMORROW. i just know that i want you to be ing happy in life because that's what you should have. a GOOD ING HAPPY LIFE BECAUSE-- BECAUSE you're you, aspen. can't you see?" he heard the bowl fall to the floor and break, just like everything else. was anything salvageable? he didn't know. he was burning with anger, so different from his usual reticent mien. even he didn't know who he had become in those few long seconds. truth be told, he didn't know who he was anymore or who he was trying to become.

it's inevitable. When you meet the one who makes you smile as you've never smiled before, cry as you've never cried before... there is nothing to do but fall. and aspen did. much to her own demise but what else could she do? all she knew was to give her heart and everything. she listened, feeling much more small than she was as he took her hand in his, larger one folding over hers in a blanket of soothing comfort. as he spoke, all she could think about how happy he made her- with all the smiles he gave her that shamed the sun, with all of his heart and touches of steely resolve that made her feel truly loved. she was, in a way. but his sad smile- by ares's raisins, she hated that frown so much! coupled by the final sentence he shoved in her face, it broke her heart further into billions of pieces she didn't know it could be broken to. 'you deserve so much.' 'you deserve better.' 'you shouldn't do this.' 'you should do that instead.'

her hand slipped out of his, face dropping into a cold canvas despite the tears that continuously streamed down her face. aspen got off the couch, crouching below next to the coffee table to pick up the leftover bowls of popcorn and so on. it was a habit- one where when she felt rage, she made herself busy. "silas, i think you should go now. please. because i am sick and tired of people telling me what i deserve and don't deserve." she sighed, picking herself up so she could put the bowls and plates away. but the words had spilled far too soon, too late to take them back. "my entire life, i was told i couldn't be this, i couldn't do that or i didn't deserve what my heart desired. did anyone ever ask what the heck aspen wanted? no! putain de bordel de merde, i ing love you and that is scary in itself! but j'irais me brûler en enfer si je te dit que je ne voulais pas passer le reste de ma vie avec toi!" she didn't realize she placed the bowl in the wrong way, the object slipping past her fingers and onto the floor, crashing into pieces just like her heart was in. "putain!"

god, how was he--what was he supposed to do to stop her from crying? now, sobbing--sometimes he wondered if he even had any redeeming ounce of empathy in his frigid soul. but of course, he did. maybe it was the excruciating itch he had to reach for her, to crush her in his embrace inside his arms, inside the world they created together and do everything in his power to soothe her back to serenity. and yet. he was still scared of what he had possible done to their relationship. of their future. of the future. and of losing her. of these, losing her was his worse fear. a nightmare he'd wake up from gladly if it meant that when he did, she would be laying there beside him fast asleep. silas' gaze fell to her cheeks. how flushed they were, stained with her sorrow once again like on the day they parted on at hogsmeade station. was it enough for him? he knew her heart. how honest it was, how delicate it was. so he chose his words carefully as best as he could. "aspen, you mean so much to me.. you've turned my world upside down and in a single minute alone, i feel so much for you. more than i have ever felt before in a mere day." the volume of his voice softened as he slowly reached out to her, taking her smaller hand in his, hoping it would soothe them both in some way. "and when i look at you, when you smile at me-- god, and when you laugh." he broke into a bright smile, one not nearly enough to reflect all of the ones she had gifted him with before. "when you laugh, it's as though everything has come alive, and everything and everyone merely exists to witness the sun in your laughter, ma chérie." he looked at her wistfully, smile growing sad. "you're so special, aspen. and that's why i cannot promise you a forever nor that you'll mother my children. you deserve so much, so much more than just what is here right now...and i don't know-- i don't really know if i will be able to give you that life."

aspen hated it- how she'd allowed herself to fall head over heels, irreversibly and infinitely so. she'd been told the way she loved, so openly and giving, would one day be the her downfall but she didn't think it be true. she felt like such a an idiot, for wanting a forever; she'd not given thought to how he would feel, nor how blatantly open she was without a care. it was too late now. she didn't know if it was a damage in what they had. the longer she stayed there, the more she wanted to shrivel into a ball, hiding away for eternity. it was true though; they would both be thinking about what she'd said, her in regret for potentially ruining the joy for them and him.. she didn't want to think about it. the tears fell incessantly, down to her chin and onto the beige colored hoodie she wore. it was his. "know what?" she murmured, voice breaking into a sob. "you know how i feel about you, silas. that's enough for now, no?"

he didn't dare answer her question nor heed to a few witty remarks, not after hearing the tremor taint her sweet voice. because he knew himself, that if he did answer her, he would go on and never shut up about it. why was he such a conversationalist in the most inconvenient of times? she knew it was coming. silas felt it the longer he stared at the darling of a woman he loved. she appeared so different from all the other times he'd seen her. she was that ball of sunshine, so readily prepared to brighten his day with her smiles and pure, heavenized affection. this aspen, he did not know. but he was hers and she, his. seeing her hide her tears from him, it pained him more than being hit by bludgers. more than knowing that even though the forest was his place of peace, he would never set foot in there again. for that was who she was to him. she was more than just a home, a safe place to rest his head when he was tired of everything the world threw at him. "no. i.. i don't want to forget about it. especially because i know that we'll both be thinking about it even if we don't say it." he took a deep breath, looking down then up again, hands balled into fists from the flurry of emotions beating inside of his strong chest. "aspen, i-- i don't want to hurt you, so please, i just want to know."

"but aren't kisses made to give the person you love?" she asked, voice shaky. why was he explaining that? did he not- by hera's saggy , she was about to lose the battle with herself. why was it that it was so easy for her to be so vulnerable to him? sure, aspen wore her heart on her sleeves but silas knew her for what she was: a simple girl. when he spoke, trying his best to form words and thoughts she knew to be difficult for him, her breath hitched in for a brief moment before finally working it's way out of herself in a shaky note. just as the tears finally spilled past the corner of her eye, falling in a droplet on her cheek followed by others. the rivulets stained her skin, her gaze down to her toes. suddenly, the pastel blue of her nails didn't look so happy either. "i know it was a foolish thing of me to say.. please forget about it, okay?"

witnessing the intimation of her falter, it was far too intimate. much too raw of the human emotions that he felt he couldn't kind understand yet--or maybe he did but didn't know what to do with them. so he looked away to give her a peace of mind, hopefully. why did he always have to go and be so keen for? it would be his fault if she started crying and for s sake, he'd be so clueless about how to comfort her. "no, i-- what i'm saying is that kisses.. are a representation of something else when exchanged. so a kiss, is never truly just a kiss unless the word is spoken or seen...in the dictionary," he explained. he wasn't sure why he cared to clarify. maybe it was the nerves. yet through all of this, her words replayed in his mind. and through his dishonesty came his father's voice. ㅡhonesty is hard. but that doesn't mean we avoid it, especially during our most vulnerable moments.ㅡ silas lifted his head to look her in the eyes once more. he was still a little unsure of this, of himself, of the exact words he wanted to say to her, but still. "um, aspen.. so.. uh.. about.. what you said earlier.. about.. babies-- my babies. did you.. really mean that?"

she felt it before anything, the little ball in just before she was about to cry. aspen struggled to swallow it, to maintain her composure just as he knew it to be- happy. but she knew that he saw right through her, he always did. she didn't know what she was crying for, nor did she know why she felt so insecure at that very moment. she chuckled, the sound lackluster even to her ears. "was the one i gave you, and so many more, the one in the dictionary?" she asked, fingers finding the fabric of her hoodie to grip. maybe that way she wouldn't want to reach for him. "i mean, i'd go to bed and read anyways and be up for another few hours."

he watched her, with careful calculation. there was something in her eyes, her gaze. a blatant lie. he wasn't an aspiring auror for no reason but with as much energy as he could muster, he played right along. "a kiss is never just a kiss unless it's the one in the dictionary," he mused with a wide smile. "should i leave you now so you can sleep or?"

by zeus's gray balls, she was such a fool! her grandmother, bless her heart, had always foretold that women permitted boys to make fools out of themselves and aspen was one- undeniably so for a man she had given her heart and soul to. tears were quick to well in her eyes, but she blinked them back, feigning a yawn. "gods, i'm so sleepy.. uh, yeah that! it was just a kiss, non?"

"questions?" his brows knitted together in feigned confusion. "about why you pretended to not know about kissing me?" maybe he was afraid to talk about it with her. with anybody. what was he supposed to say when she quite explicitly said that she wanted to have his babies? he hadn't even thought about becoming a father yet. let alone a husband. "i don't understand, aspen."

maybe she should have agreed for him to leave- but was it so bad to want to spend time with the man she had proclaimed feelings loud and clear for? her teeth found her lower lip, gnawing and abusing the flesh with anxiety. "uh.. well, don't you have any questions for me? nothing at all?"

his smile quickly died just as big as it was little. how much longer until he actually had to leave? he hadn't worn his watch; he didn't want to be rude and to pull his phone out to check. silas was anxious, fingernails leaving crescent indents inside his palm from the nerves, but he sheltered any visible emotions with the legerity of his mind. "talk about..? what you pretended to not know about?"

"i really tried understanding it too, and i don't know how much i did," she laughs, resting her cheek on her knee- her gaze flit to his, noticing how rigid he'd gotten. god, she truly messed up, didn't she? but aspen knew, that if she didn't voice it out, none of them would. taking a deep breath, she nodded. "i cannot wait for the second part. but silas... we should talk about it, right? what i said earlier?"

"it was a good movie. some parts i didn't understand, but luckily i had you to explain." the corner of his lips curled up the slightest, but it was difficult to show sincerity when he was feeling tense. he wasn't sure what went wrong--not did he know whether he should mention the obvious elephant in the room. "maybe they explain it in the second part. and we'll have to wait to find out."

"oh." she breathed- why did she have to propose talking even? why couldn't she have just put on a facade and have them be as jolly as when they'd started the night- right, she couldn't lie to him. breathing out, she leaned against the backrest of the sofa, nodding slowly. "it was long but i liked it. i also wonder what happened to the main guy, what his story was and so on, non?"

"ahh, i see." silas peered over at her with his keen gaze, watching as she gave him a half-hearted smile. though he was never truly adept at gauging social situations, he felt the tension down to his bones. and it was not the good kind. "we can just.. talk then." his eyes flit to the rolling screen then back to her. "some.. movie huh? i wonder what's going to happen in the second part. it sort of left off on a cliff hanger."

"it's a muggle word game," she murmured, glancing at the tv screen that had been paused with the end credits rolling. clearing , she managed to put on a little smile, one that didn't quite reach her eyes but hopefully, she prayed, was enough. "it's a game in which players build up words on a board from small lettered squares or tiles. i think i would need to go find my box of it though."

the blanket moved, she moved. and he could feel the coldness of the room brush against his warm skin once more. did she hear the hesitance in his voice? why was he so bad at this? he turned to face her, fixing himself into a comfortable position. "scrabble? how do you play that?"

somehow, her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach at the sight of his expression- oh god, had she said something out of the line? inhaling a breath, she let go of his hands, scooting over on the couch to make space for him, raising her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. "uh.. let's just talk? or we could play scrabble?"

silas paused at her question. the truth was he didn't really have to go so soon-- but. what came after 'but', he didn't know nor could he really understand why he was so hesitant to stay longer with her. "i- i guess i can stay for a little bit longer," he gave in, eyes on the sad pout she gave him. "what should we do?"

"do you really have to go already?" she asked softly, pulling away from the embrace she'd been pulled in- a sad pout was etched on her face as she tugged onto his hands, not wanting him to go so soon. "it's still very early, non? et c'est un jour facile?"