@Chanyeol I- I don't think I need to see how desperate I am for Hao... /mumbles, finally looking away from you, that's kind of why I never really look at tapes, I always look like a moron when Hao is around... or I did at least... now everything is different... things are never going back to normal, are they?/
uh? what? /I repeat when you say you know why he likes me, I don't know even know -if- he likes me/
is that what the issue is? He's scared of being happy? /I repeat, trying to think if that's even possible, I know how badly what happened has affected me, but because we never truly talked about it, I never properly understood what Hao thought on the matter. I've put him on a pedestal for so long, thinking he was perfect, I have ended up ignoring his problems... and that's just as bad as leaving/
His view...
/sighs, running my hand through my hair as I try to think about what knowing this means... I don't know if I trust you about knowing exactly what Hao wants, but I want to... I wish it was true that I'm important to him the same way he's important to me/
I want to make him happy...
but I think he also needs to want it...
we can't stay in limbo forever, especially when we're missing out on things that could make any other pain worth it...
Right…it’s about making time, no matter how busy you are.
I’m really sorry that it all had to happen…but if he cared more then he should have been around more for you.
/Speaks thin-lipped, then sighs a little./
Mm…I see…
Perhaps you’re just not for each other…And since effort had to come from both ways, I guess that’s why it couldn’t work out too.
If you keep giving and giving and giving…then you’ll be empty.
You need to receive back some too…
/Chuckles somberly, nodding, cant really deny your words./
Not good…I tried calling him but he didn’t pick up?
But…I’m going to call him again…hopefully he’d want to see me and talk things out together…
/Hums./ It is a process…piece by piece…at least you’ve started and that in itself is progress too. And there are no promises of no bad days in the future, I think when you feel bad, you can spend your time to feel it— cry it out, sleep… because it will pass, you’ve passed it before so you will do it again.
I accepted it as an excuse cause I knew work was important to him.. But i felt like.. If i've brought it up, it shouldnt be a problem to try and be here more.. or at least drop by once in a while..
*leans into the hug, my arms still around my knees*
I just felt like, at that time of course, i was doing the same.. i was putting effort into it, but why can't I experience what they have.. I just wanted it to work out..
*nibbles my bottom lip*
I know.. it just feels like every time i have a little taste of it, it gets ripped out of my hands.. i've worked hard towards it, to reach that happiness, but i only ever get teased with it..
Mm... You aren't too qualified to provide that advice, Mingming.. But.. how are you and Seojoon doing anyway? Have you guys even talked?
I'm getting there.. piece of piece... there's some parts missing, but I think i'll manage..
Just sometimes, as fine and okay as I feel... Some days I just get knocked back to square one.. Like today.. I just hurt.. No real reason for it, but it just felt wrong and i didn't want to get out of bed..
/Frowns a little./
Work shouldn’t be an excuse..
You’re busy too, but you make time for those you love.
/Fully wraps my arm around your shoulders from the side/
Mm, I see that you want to have that special someone too, ofcourse, especially being in the matchmaking show..
But everyone’s time is different..
I was here for a while before I got to even meet Seo..
If seeing other people’s happiness hurts you, being with someone wont necessarily make it hurt any less..
/Hums, looking ahead again./
Even happiness doesn’t last, you know?
Feelings are just..passing clouds..
A peace with yourself will let you have peace with many other things..
/Sighs softly, mumbling./ I’m one to talk, huh.
/Turns back to look at you./
Broke down? Then we’re gonna fix it again, somehow.
You’ll find yourself again. And you’ll have people who loves you by your side…
Perhaps.. It just felt... right.. *breaths out shakily but nods*
I told him about love languages too... the last time I'd seen him.. And i told him that he needed to be around more.. everytime i brought that up it was "i'll try to be here more" "work is slowing down"
And as much as both of us should function as separate beings, i just felt like work was prioritised..
I just.. dont want to believe it and give myself that false hope that maybe there is something there..
it isn't hard, but i want to do anything i can so I dont feel that way anymore though..
I felt like everything was against me, that nothing was going my way.. and as much as i like the people here.. seeing them happy with someone else... it hurt me.. a lot.. and i couldnt bring myself to be around them.. And I don't ever want to feel that way again..
I know.. I've always been so sure of who I was, who I would become.. and it felt like someone just threw a wrench into my gears and i just broke down..
Perhaps it just isn’t a match.
Both sides should be trying to fit into the other’s needs…love language…I don’t know what he likes but you’d never be too much for the right person, you know?…
/Moves my hand to rub around your back slowly/
It’s not easy to not feel that way when you’re so used to it..
But when..someone shows you that you are enough..I think you’ll start to believe more too. Though, it all depends if you’re letting yourself believe it or not.
/I smile a little./
It’s hard not to get hurt, people will always hurt each other..
That’s one thing to accept..so..I guess it’s good to keep your expectations low in a way to protect yourself, but don’t shut yourself down from all the lovely possibilities coming your way..
/Bumps the side of my head with yours./
Finding oneself is a journey you know?
It’s ok not to know yourself..
The you that you know now should be embraced too..
It sometimes does feel like its my fault though, you know? Cause, I.. I knew he didnt like physical affection and I just kept insisting it.. He doesnt like to talk and I also insisted.. Maybe I was just too much and scared him away...
*takes in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. My shoulders deflating a little*
It just feels like what I do is never enough, or maybe I am just a pretty thing people want to have on their arm for a little before throwing me to the side..
*i feel your gaze on the side of my head, so i turn to look at you, blinking slowly*
I just dont want to be hurt again.. I dont want to feel the way i did this last time.. I felt like... like I lost myself and I didnt know how to find myself again.. I dont even know if I've found myself now.. I feel like I dont know who I am anymore
It’s not wrong to let him know again and reassure him in the end..we don’t know how he might feel about it too so I think telling it to him might be a good closure..but I know how it could feel wrong..
But you know it’s not your fault, right?
/Massages your shoulder a little./
Some things just can’t work out..and that is ok..
You’ve never been shown that and that is why you deserve to see and know that. But I guess because you’ve never been shown the great kind of love you might not know what it’d look like mm?
/Looks at you, moving my hand to card through your hair./
I think it’s coming for you…don’t stop trying…
*balls myself into a tighter ball and nods* I guess so.. I guess.. It's just feels wrong to leave a message about those things and its not like I haven't spoken to him about it.. I've mentioned it and brought it up to him before..
And these thoughts just come by every so often
*moves my chin back onto my knees*
I've never been shown that.. It's always just been me giving and getting the bare minimum.. sometimes even less.. And it just makes me wonder.. maybe i dont deserve anything in return.. that i did something really bad in my past life that this is my punishment now.. *theres a bitter smile on my face as i look down*
Maybe i should just stop trying..
Maybe you shouldn’t worry if he believes or not, cause you can’t really control that… if he’s never around it’d be hard to find the perfect time to say it, no? Hmm…I don’t know but..
Maybe leaving a message could be a good closure for you both..
/Hums, poking your cheek a bit with my thumb./
You deserve to receive as much as you give..
I dont know if he'll believe me..
Plus.. he's never around.. and I'd rather say that to him in person..
It just.. it always felt like i was giving more than I was receiving..
*tilts my head to the side so i can squeeze your hand between my cheek and shoulder as a thank you*
And now i'm wondering.. should I even be on the pair list..
Mmm.. *hums, nodding* It is weird..
*wiggles my toes in the sand, staring at them*
I guess, just to tell him that he's still a good guy, but life isnt just about work, and not everyone around him is trying to hurt him...
It's okay to be protective of yourself, but let go sometimes..
And just to tell him that we're still friends and he can come to me if he needs anything..
*sighs and looks at my knees*
I'm... okay.. I dont know i guess seeing my name on the pair list..
Kinda just feels like thats it.. and I just wasted 7 months..
And i never got to tell him anything... *rests chin on my knees*
@Park Seojoon /I feel your gaze on me and it’s pretty intense, perhaps you’re just curious because I’ve painted an image of liking Hao infront of you before, and this someone I’m talking about is clearly isn’t Hao— It’s honestly a little intimidating, because I feel like you can read me, weird how you could be so different infront of Hao, turning almost puppy like/
Maybe you should check the cameras…pretty sure they caught a lot of things there.
/You’re blushing even more and I tilt my head a bit/
Huh, I know why he likes you now…
/Sighs softly, nodding my head./
I think for him he associates progress as a step closer to disaster…because you guys were the happiest before you suddenly got taken…
And you’re not blocking the view, you -are- his view.
You’ve always been…
/I pat your shoulder a little./
You’re right, I didn’t like you back then.
I saw Hao at his lowest and that made me hate you-
But then I learned of what had happened too and I could see that you really do love him…That you’re really trying for him. /Hums./
I think you can make him happy? I want to believe that, at least.
@Chanyeol /I watch you carefully, I can’t help but wonder who you’re talking about and what has happened that made you so worried. You didn’t seem like the kind of person who got worried at all, or at least not outwardly. You must care for them deeply, or maybe they are a real troublemaker. It makes me think about Jiyong, I’ve seen you two talk… but I also know Jiyong has lost his head for someone and I don’t think it’s you/
I-I can’t exactly see myself, can I… /I protest with a deep blush, but I know I can’t hide it, and I’m not planning to even try, it’s not exactly me. I might get my words mixed up, and I keep them in sometimes to avoid scaring Hao, but anyone looking at my face would know the truth/
When they needed you the most? /I repeat, and I can’t help but think about how I also left Hao, and maybe they needed me…/ did you apologise to them? Told him why you did it? /I ask, because isn’t that the first step?/
/I look down because I have an idea of difficult family members, but I can’t quite judge as they’ve been out of the way since I’ve been back/
/I nod/ exactly! And most of the time I don’t say anything because I don’t want him to panic or be scared… but that means we never talk about the important stuff…
You really think he is thinking about us in the future? /after all that happened, I don’t know what to believe any more. If he wants to be with me, then why didn’t he say anything?/ I can’t help but think that he just isn’t looking at anyone else because I’m blocking the view…
/I look back when I feel the hand on my shoulder/ I thought you didn’t like me?
@Park Seojoon Yeah… I don’t think I’m gonna let anything slide now…
/I cant help to chuckle when I see your blush, it’s too obvious in the daylight— I think it’s obvious to many people too how much you both actually want each other./
Come on…have you seen yourself when you’re looking at him?
/I tease a bit, but then your question makes me press my lips together because I don’t know if I should tell you about the things I’ve done in the past that makes him hate me, not to mention what my family did too./
I…kind of left him when he probably needed me the most…
My family got involved too— pretty similar to Hao’s relatives.
I think you have an idea of how they are…
/I scratch my nape, not wanting to give too many details/
Painful stuff…I’m sure there’s a lot to talk about, huh?
Hao isn’t the best in talking about his feelings…He’s so used to bottling it all up so I can understand you that it’s hard to know how he really feels…
/Hums/ But I know that he does see a future with you…He does want to get married someday, you know? And his eyes are not on anyone else /Chuckles a bit/ I know so, I’ve seen so..
/I reach out, putting a hand on your shoulder, and I look at you in the eyes/
And the reason I’m saying all of this is because I don’t want him to lose you too…
