⁝ sungkyunkwan.

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@✿ ryu songmin She noticed a flicker of surprise in his eyes, an unspoken realization that his suspicions were growing as a barrier formed between them. Her intention was never to feed his skepticism; instead, she only wished to ease the weight that burdened his heart. She was not someone who wanted to purposely withhold a coveted secret. Instead, she only sought to offer solace to assure him that he wasn't alone in his struggles.

In the face of scattered memories that she long wished had been abandoned on distant battlefields, the past and present were like threads of a story. Just as she had been there as he journeyed through mountainous terrains in a sea of soldiers, she was here as a silent companion in the library. He may not have really seen her fully through those moments in years past, but maybe that was the point: that the encounters they shared were meant to be fleeting and not permanent.

His sigh was able to bridge the gap between both of their guarded stances. The traces of silence and the softness of his voice were all that lingered in the sunlight peeking through the paper windows. Her memories of the war had been scattered, fading away like dust that blew over distant battlefields. Yet, she felt a sense of comfort in this moment and the memory of the war was no longer as painful. They crossed paths for a reason and she felt as though a silent understanding had been reached which warmed her as if this encounter was enough, that even if nothing came of it, it was enough.

As he turned to leave, she watched him depart. She felt a strange sense of peace knowing that he had been there, even if only for a moment. She felt as though something had been set in motion, and that the universe was working in mysterious ways. She smiled, feeling content with the unexpected encounter.

"For what it's worth," she spoke before he was too far away. Her voice trembled as her fingers dug into the book held across her chest, her knuckles turning white as the tension grew. She was almost afraid to move, her breath hitching in her chest as her heart raced. She was frozen in that moment, unsure of what to say or do, but still she held her ground with her gaze never leaving his turned figure. "It was nice to meet you..." /again, Captain Ryu/...she did not call him out loud. No, because that identity no longer existed between them.

She knew that whatever had transpired between them was something that could never be fully explained. It was a moment that hung in the air, like a whisper that could no longer be heard. It was a moment that could never be captured, a secret that could never be shared. It was a time of understanding, but it was fleeting and fragile.

In this moment they were strangers, and in the future, they could be two different people with different roles in life. Nothing could be done to change it. Their paths diverged, and just as quickly, it departed.

@✿ song jinye he blinked as she enumerated every recent event in his life. without any remnant or memory of ever telling her, his suspicions about her only heightened then. her songs of praises however, continued to carry a note of sincerity, one that tugged on his heartstrings. it was as if she was not bothered by the phantoms surrounding him. or, rather, she went through the burdens herself. ruminating on his memories, he cannot recall ever seeing her in full, but the necessity for remembrance waned throughout their encounter.

sympathy, or moreso the empathy he felt from her, began a long hard fight with his skepticism. it was not right to incriminate as if she’s some thief concealing a secret item from him. in songmin’s matter of fact-ness, it was not in his place carry out punishments in this type of matter. if anything, within her words, lie a person trying to console him. the way her mannerisms, felt as if she went through the trek along the rocky plateaus and the mounted hills along the mountain ranges with rivers streaming through the terrain of joseon.

he tried to steel his nerves, his guard becoming strained and hard to upkeep. suppressing the unexpected surge of vulnerability, he still did not feel it was appropriate to fully open up to her.

“kind lady, i have not heard such words about my doings from anyone. not even from my own father, who has molded me into the weapon i became today. you seemed intimidated by me initially, and i understand if i came to look cross towards you.”

the sigh released from him punctuated the sentence.

one of his hands gripped his dopo, clearly not as calm as he wanted too. her words continued to engender the guilt within him. he usually did not regard those to bring forth gossip or sycophantry highly, but she did neither to him. yet he felt he was giving her the cold shoulder when it was unwarranted.

“it seems i do not to need to introduce myself, as you and your brother knew enough about me. however, i would not urge you to do the same.”

silence stretched between them as he searched for the words he wanted to say. cracks formed in the barrier built around himself, his stillness wavered.

once he finally spoke again, a sad smile appeared on his face, eyes still clouded with the threads of stoicism he held onto from earlier.

“i do wish to do feel better myself, kind stranger. now pardon me, it is getting late for both of us… i did not mean to be so morose towards you.”

he bowed his head to her apologetically before turning back on his heel. instead of finding out who she really was, she only showed him a reflection of how he truly felt.

@✿ ryu songmin She was not bluffing. His merits were indeed worthy of praise.

"I mean every flattery, kind Lord," she said, keeping her voice low and her gaze fixed on the floor. "Who would not praise you enough for your accomplishments? Your generosity in opening a school for the children is unparalleled. Your bravery on the battlefield has been witnessed by all and your soldiers have sung your praises. Your humility and modesty, too, have been noted. You have never sought the admiration of others but instead have always allowed your deeds to speak for themselves. Your kindness has been a blessing to those who have crossed paths with you and they are eternally grateful for all you have done."

It was as if she was thanking him for their past.

It is not easy to command an army of thousands through harsh terrains and rocky plateaus. It is not easy to march troops unified through dangerous valleys to defend the country in any weather. Had this encounter been in that season when they rode horses on the battlefield, she would have been more courageous to face him. But, they are in a different place now as two different people.

She was no longer the brave and valiant warrior she once was. Now, she was less sure of herself and her courage had been replaced with fear and insecurity. She had become a stranger to her former self, and she no longer knew how to be the person she used to be. Back then, she had been confident and always trusted her decisions. Her convictions were strong, and there were times when she would not allow anything to stand in her way. She remembered how she refused to follow orders at times, leading their 'brotherhood' to become fragile and fleeting. But he was a leader who did not let her stray.

No one should send their children to war, let alone for something that was not their own. Even now, nightmares of war haunt her. She recalls the chaos, the pain, the loss, and the emptiness. She remembers the faces of fellow soldiers, the ones who never returned home, and the ones who were forever changed. She still carries the memories of war and battle scars, both physical and emotional, that time and love have yet to heal. But, over time, she has learned to cope with her experiences, to make peace with her memories, and to forgive herself for the things she could not control. She wishes the same for him, that one day he will be able to find a way to forgive himself and make peace with his own struggles. She hopes that one day, he will be able to look back on his life without regret and be able to find solace in the knowledge that he has done the best he can. She knows that it is a long and difficult journey, but she believes that he can make it.

"Kind Lord," she says, gripping the book closely to her body. Her voice was soft as the wind against the window. "I hope you find peace and solace within yourself, so that you may live a life of joy and contentment."

The years in the military gave her the opportunity to be someone else, to start anew, and it was something she treasured. She wanted to remember the lessons she had learned, the places she had seen, and the people she had cross across. Him, especially, who was someone that humbled her and taught her the greatest lessons of comradery and sacrifice.

@✿ song jinye “it is delightful to hear that, kind lady. i can assure you that your brother has good taste in books.” he replied back with the polite veneer held on the surface. his eyes, somehow, always expose slivers of melancholy he sought to suppress.

songmin felt he was summoned to this conversation with a sensation akin to needles prickling along his nape. furrowing his eyebrows, he wondered at how she accepted his offer without looking at him directly. succeeded in getting the bait, yet there lies a catch that he was not allowed to take. following the movement with his watchful eyes, it seemed her caution around him had not eased. though not a single time had he spared a thought to the souls he held in his eyes that repelled her from him. while hiding behind his back, the demons and wraiths that communicated with the woman, telling her to not meet her eyes unless she bears the will to be trapped by his demons.

his hands fell by his sides at the loss of the book on his hold, mimicking her stillness in a way as he listened to the truth. she was aware of his endeavors on the land, as most people were. within her words, though, lay a sense of knowing beyond the secondhand accounts of one outside the military. too many factors at hand to fully ascertain of her presence and her identity, he surmised. she could easily be disguised, as it is far from a novelty for a woman to conscript herself in the military to escape from the confines of her estate. again, these were fleeting possibilities and they were not entertained by the military general, now just a marquess who was in the tranquil library instead of the battlefield.

as he gave her a closer look, amidst the barriers she put up around her, the pieces seemed to fall together. even though word about his achievements transcend both land and sea spread throughout the ton, to an extent outside the capital, it was a rare occasion for one to praise him for his achievements upfront, besides his family. by family, he referred to his father when he was not being reprimanded.

she clearly was not part of his family, but she seemed to be privy to other details as well. perhaps, their paths have truly met, and merged into one road. and facing the timid artifice was a conduit that will lead him to that road.

it proved to be a challenge finding the answers he sought, as his lucid brown eyes continued to concentrate on her erring on the side of caution. and frankly, the desire to solve this revolving labyrinth of identities was waning.

“even though you’re very cautious around me, you manage to say things with such flattery, to the point I would take you for a sycophant.” he let out a wry chuckle, without heed to the tone of the conversation at hand. or it was a means of falling to the whims of deception.

“but i do extend my gratitude for your deference to my service. though unfortunately, there is more to my achievements than the gratuitous display of gallantry.” giving way to the melancholy, he looked to her forlornly. it was never a good idea to bare such emotion in public, especially with a strangely familiar stranger. yet, he realized there only existed so many corners he could run into, before he could find solace in a confidant.

all this time, the weight of all the souls of dead soldiers and comrades never truly left by his bedside. they haunted him, tormented him even, to remind him of how much he failed his people and where he fell short.

@✿ ryu songmin She hesitated for a moment, stiffly contemplating his offer. She was careful not to expose her face as she looked up to accept the book he offered. She cautiously took the book into her hands, gazing at it as her fingers ran along the spine.

She knew she was not the same person he had met before. She had changed drastically since the last time they met. She was no longer that brazen child who defied orders and charged into battle fearlessly with her sword above her head. She had put in a lot of effort over the past six years to ensure her demeanor was different than her past. She was now the poised and reserved daughter of her family: one who seldom left the estate, who hid away from crowds and kept to herself behind stone walls. He wouldn't recognize her, she believed, because very few knew the face of the eldest daughter of house Song.

"Do not apologize kind Lord, this book would suit my brother's taste well," her voice was as gentle as a passing breeze as she replied.

She knew little of the relations between her brother and the man before her, but heard of him when they were younger. After accompanying their father to ministry meetings, her brother told her stories. There are some stories involving the eldest son of the Ryu family. She believed the two were acquainted and friendly. Despite the familiarity between her brother and the man, she had never actually met him and only caught distant glances of his jacket before he disappeared at the far end of the corridor. It wasn't until her secret enlistment in the military, where their paths unexpectedly converged.

Time has grown between their last encounter and she doesn’t think he would hold on to their insignificant encounters in the past. They were merely acquainted through the military, when she was dressed in armor and war paint. She was sure he would not remember her as he would have encountered a thousand soldiers during his military service: she would just be one of those thousands, a grain in the sand, a small being whose life hung on a thread just as the others who sacrificed theirs on the battlefield. She would be just a stranger he once met, a stranger whose name in the military belonged to another being: a being whose life had long gone and only lives on in her memories.

She wondered what had changed since they last saw each other; she had an inkling that it was more than just the passage of time.
Back then his eyes were filled with a glimmer of pain, as she recalls. She had a feeling that he had been through something traumatic that had left him with lingering sorrow. That sense of sadness was evident during their time in the military, as if he did not wager his life on the line of the battlefields, but instead he seemed to be looking for some kind of peace that he never found. There were thousands of military people she passed by during those four years. However, she felt it only took a fragment of a second to meet eyes with those whose souls were shattered.

She hesitates perhaps for this reason.

She could see it in the depths of his eyes, the way they moved and the way he spoke. It was as if he was created from broken pieces of glass that could never be mended. But in those fragments, even a beautiful mosaic can be formed. His heart was gold, and he was strong and resilient. It was obvious to her that he had much more potential than he realized.

She spoke cautiously, "I have heard about your service in the military from my brother. He spoke well of your accomplishments and victories." She encouraged, "you have a lot to be proud of and I believe you have the strength and courage to achieve even greater things."

@✿ song jinye if time had passed, it had barely shown with yellow light continually spilling through the windows in the interim of their encounter. the sun seemed to be sinking in, but at a gradual pace. not that the passing of time dictated on the happenings of his life, he frequently abused the power of his own free will. curfews were put into place, and over time he grew tired of complying with the same old rules as he grew out of them. many times he escaped the confines of the estate just to find his feet firmly planted on this very same floor. unfortunately, it left his attendant, daewon, under duress to explain his absences.

with just the two of them amidst the shelves, his gaze drifted briefly to the books. a thought about pulling some of them from their temporary abodes fleeted in his mind, as it had been a while he had expanded on his collection. he stayed still instead.

it rendered difficult to discern any impression from her presence as she seemed intent on obscuring his vision by facing away from him. vaguely, he could only observe her gentle silhouette and her mannerisms, but not in a way it struck him familiar. these mannerisms were a dime a dozen for the women of joseon. otherwise, he’d recognize her as one of the commoners he had one night stands with, but the veneer of wealth was difficult to keep coveted for long nor was it coveted in the expensive silk of her garb.

even as the woman rose to her feet, the residuals of tension in her silhouette still remained. she noticeably stiffened, which triggered the musing on the effect of his witticisms on her. his mind worked at surmising on a singular cause, while his countenance remained neutral. maybe sparks of recognition would evoke if the woman relented and showed him the contours of her face.

‘she has not given me reason to trust her, but there is no malice in her position. i wondered if we had truly met before.’

the door creaking fell on deaf ears as he read the duplicity in her cadence, with his eyebrows furrowed. directly calling a person out on their lies does not always help him obtain the answers one has needed, and he learned over time not everyone appreciated his explicit candor and it drove them away at times. especially in the predicament he was in, stuck with a seemingly timid woman, he would potentially meet an impasse at reconciliation. and maybe a chance at a blossoming friendship.

“disregard my remarks from earlier then. did you require aid in the selection of books for your brother then?”

before she had a chance to reply, he exposed his hands to the stitched spine of the books once again, though not to divulge into his own pleasure for reading. this section in this library had a more discordant arrangement of literature, the covers all coated in an eclectic array of colors corresponding with the genre of the book. as he took a book out of the shelf, he proffered it to the woman with a wry smile. the book coated in rouge, the on the cover indicating it was a fantasy with confucianist themes.

“my apologies for acting in haste, i have been deprived of the knowledge of your brethren’s preferences in literature. best assured, this will suit his tastes.” he sure was a hypocrite in engaging in dishonesty of his own, with the haphazard selection of a tome, but it was not the first nor will it be the last. there was a constraint to topics he can converse about when cornered with the deprivation of a person’s surname, and the societal bounds towards first name basis outside of close friendship and betrothal.

although, he had an inkling he may know this supposed brother she mentioned.

@✿ ryu songmin She studied his movements and features as her gaze remained fixated on the figure in the room.

She seemed to have considered an idea of an old faded memory, discolored images from long ago. Mountainous terrains and harsh deserts; ashes on her skin and dirt in her hair; the wind and the sun; the sweat and the tears. During those years she faced lonely nights of silent yearning to return home and also the courageous rush of adrenaline pulsing through her veins which kept her going to the end of those ravenous four years in the battlefields. It was during that time that she selfishly threw away the identity of Song Jinye from House Song and dared to bear the identity of a man who has departed the living world. A man whose name she never dared to utter on her tongue since the day he was ripped from her side out of fear that calling for him would hinder his journey in the afterworld to reincarnate.

As she observed the features of the man in the room, the picture in her head completed itself like a puzzle piece, placing an identity on his face. She remembers him now; the victory calls and orders; his stern commanding of a thousand soldiers; the way her stubbornness defied him after every training session. It’d be a lie to say she didn’t harbor some resentment towards him, afterall, he had indeed been in a leadership position compared to herself who did her best to blend into a mass of brawny warriors with her smaller stature. But she survived those years without revealing her identity. And now, after many years have fallen between that time and the present, she has come across someone who could jeopardize all that she has come to try and protect.

The poised and prideful daughter of House Song has found a reason to fear.

She still needed to hurry home else Duchess Song was to find that she had escaped from home without any guidance. She cowered down to hide behind the shelf, hoping he will be quick with his task and be on his way. Yet, her shadow would not stay hidden as if it had a life of its own. The dark shape traced along the wooden floors, extending towards where the sunlight does not touch. Indeed, the sun continues to mock her, refusing to give her any hope.

“It must be a fool’s errand to rely on this shelf for cover for long, madam.” The figure spoke, now standing before her in the shining light.

She seemed to wish that she could vanish into thin air. That the heavens would pity her foolishness and allow her the chance to leave this place without being recognized. Although six years have fallen since the last time she stood before him, donned in armor and war paint, he was no stranger to her and she prayed that he would find her to be a stranger to him.

Then he added on, “though I pondered if you have discerned my countenance from a previous encounter.”

Jinye came to stand, her pretentious demeanor befallen to embarrassment. Yet, she didn’t dare to face him or allow him to peek at her face in case he would recognize her after all. “I…” she was hesitant, her mind was absurdly misplaced within this reality. “I don’t believe I have encountered you before,” she recited, as if it were a speech she had practiced but long forgotten every word and line. She tried to divert his attention, “I am simply looking for a book–” she quickly excuses, “for my brother.”

@✿ song jinye with a reserved gait, he approached another section of the library, then pulled a stitched book from the pile. although addled by the possibility of someone watching him in a library out of all places, he opened the book he held without further thought.

light casted a warm glow on the pages, the etched on the parchment appearing lined with gilded gold. more dust motes gathered by him, as he perused through the novel. enthralled by the adventurous seafarer and his travel experiences, songmin became consumed in his conquests against foreign marauders and how he would wield his words to evade from the kiss of blades.

he became distracted to the extent of neglecting the pursuit of someone’s watchful eye on him, however the weight of their state eventually drew him in. unbeknownst to him, his shadows stretched across the wooden floor and gave his position away. as a way to instinctively mitigate, he looked up from his booklet and closed it, the sleeves of his dopo rustling against the embossed cover as he held it.

his eyes darted around shelves within his vicinity, searching for the figure that visited his peripheral. at first, there was no obvious hint of them. yet he was proven to make a lapse in judgment, as soon he glimpsed the hem of a light blue chima peeking from the shelves. amidst the silence, he moved surreptitiously until he finally found a woman crouched near the shelves. he struggled to recognize her, obscured by her crouched stance.

“it must be a fool’s errand to rely on this shelf for cover for long, madam.” a quirk in his lips followed his comment. he noted the expression of panic marked by her silhouette, feeling compelled to assure her.

he cleared his throat before he continued to speak.

“verily, there is no cause to be entangled in distress. i merely sought out your person to affirm if you were the individual observing me with keen interest.”

then he added on. “though i pondered if you have discerned my countenance from a previous encounter.”

@✿ ryu songmin It’s been months since she’s left the Song estate. Ever since her brother fell into a coma, she had to fulfill his duties and tasks at home. It was unlike her to have to do so, especially when Duchess Song was adamant that she adhere to the virtuous principles for women. Yet, Jinye loathed having to put on that righteous act. It was already unfair that the locks to her father’s study had been changed when she was younger, restricting her strictly to books of women’s etiquette and poetic prose. Somedays her father would give in and allow her to sneak into his study which gave her access to political mandates and warfare tactics. However, today, Duke Song was not home and her chances to dwell in those readings were diminished.

Yet, Jinye didn’t let that stop her.

When given the chance, she snuck out through the back door of the estate and came to the institution without guidance. She made sure that her maid, Muyeo stayed in her chambers and to make excuses if Duchess Song were to come search for her. Therefore, Jinye gave herself two hours. No more, no less; that was the amount of time she had before she'd need to return home. She had to be mindful of the sunlight that peeked in through the paper windows and used the length of her shadow to tell how much time had passed. She was trying to stay hidden, cautious that someone would find her in this place.

Her face was stuck in a novel about the adventures of a military commander and his courageous battles. She felt as if her feet had begun to float as her mind drew pictures of the events in the book, and by the time a glimmer of reality kicked in, she found that she had already lost track of time. She inaudibly gasped, seeing that her shadow on the floor had elongated and created a stark figure on the polished wooden floors.

Jinye set the book back onto the shelf and a sense of worry filled her. She had to hurry home. As she was stepping out of the spot she thought she had hidden well in, she saw a figure enter into the room. In a sudden panic, she retreated back. She lowered herself down to ensure she wouldn’t be found, but kept her eyes on the figure that passed by. She watched the person through open spaces between stacked books, heaving a breath of relief that he didn’t notice her.

But, then she realized something strange about the person…

Wait a minute… There is definitely something strange about him.

Jinye tried to sort through faded memories in her mind. She had been well guarded throughout her childhood and ever since she returned from those “secret” years where she lived out in harsh terrain with a sword in hand. There were little opportunities for her to meet people. And yet, this person didn’t seem unfamiliar at all… it was as if she had encountered him before in some distant place.

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@✿ song jinye usually at the military academy, it felt strange initially finding his footsteps leading his trail to the library. filled with quiet, it juxtaposed the cacophony of men grunting on the military grounds, as the swords glinted as men collided into each other in tandem with leaders shouting orders at them.

light from the sun bled into the window panels, illuminating the specks of dust originating from scrolls on the desks and shedding light on his navy colored hanbok. the books were stacked on top of each other from official records to fantasy novels still adhering to Confucianist themes, some of the books brand new and some of the books held together by withered spines.

one of his fingers traced the spines of several novels, stabilizing the pile as he pulled a random book out of it. as he skimmed through the book, he felt immediate disinterest in records about mundane matters and slid it back in its rightful place. in his peripheral, there was another figure nearby, which songmin ignored to revel in the tranquility as he continued his search for a book he enjoyed reading for more than five minutes.