⊹ 𑁍 diary.

₊❏❜ ⋮March 29, 2022 ; 23:38 ⌒
my thesis is the soul out of me.

28032022

i keep buying banana milk. i end up drinking them myself but . . . it might just be my new favorite drink.

28032022

would it be crazy of me to ask to meet him again? it didn't work the last time. so what if i went /to/ him instead? am i crazy? hopeful? hopeless? why am i still haunted by this when it was my own doing?

25032022

april is nearing. which means spring is close. and while the flowers begin to blossom, celebrating their growth into the new season as they sprout out of their white blankets of snow, i can't help but feel like time has reached a stagnant pause. i'm still trapped thinking about that day.

2803. 2022.

I showed Pa and Ma a picture of Eunyoung and I in my little greenhouse where I grew daisies that looked just like her. They teased me just like any parent would—asking me when I’ll fetch my own children. My heart couldn’t help but to burst at the idea of kids, but I couldn’t tell them it was any time soon. My only answer was a simple ‘Not sure’ with a shrug. There was too many things I still had to do with my life. Sure, I came back to settle in the slow life, but knowing how impulsive I was, what if I decided to go back to my old life in Paris when I craved for something new? If not Paris, then maybe the idea of New York would become appetizing?

I still feel like I’m in my late 10s figuring out what to do with my life, but I’ve learned to understand I’ll never find my answer.

2703. 2022.

I just want to be in your head, even if you don’t love me.

2503. 2022.

April is coming up. What is there to expect? Perhaps I’m just another daydreamer, but sometimes I’d like to think the mundanity isn’t my doing. Sometimes I’d like to think life forced me to have no purpose for the time being. Just to comfort myself.

Do I relax? Do I overwork myself?

I’m not sure.

✏ March 23rd, 2022.

　Dear diary,

　I'm back with the tea. Literally, because I just dropped by Wonwoo's tea shop to pick up his new stock. Hehe. But I'll try them later, after I finish this entry.

　Talking about Wonwoo, though, hearsay says his ex is in town. Has been for a while, actually. You know the one who rejected his proposal? She was the reason he came back to Yeongwon, so I'm not sure if that was entirely a bad thing. Granny Jeon always missed him so much, so... Anyways, I know he knows but it's surprising he hasn't mentioned it yet. Maybe I'll go back to the tea shop and try to get more details out of him? Maybe.

　Moving onto what I promised you a few days earlier: the April Affair... and its affairs. Hehe, again.
　　— Saerom and Jiwon are open to the idea of taking dates there, but they both won't let me try and set them up with someone nice. There's so many young men in this town so I'm sure they could find a match for them if they just reached out. Mark my words, they'll be swept off their feet one day!
　　— Taeyong and Yoojung are going together. Obviously. Boring, so let's move on.
　　— Jiwoo's been looking a little sad lately. I was playing with Eunyoung once and she mentioned that her mother was crying but she didn't know why. This isn't something I should probably know, so I'm not sure if I should ask? I think Changmin's been busy with work lately, but maybe they just need some alone time? If anyone can make her happy, it's him.
　　— The kids at the dojang dropped by the bakery yesterday in a fit of giggles. It always means they're up to no good, so I bribed them with a cookie or two. It was worth it. Apparently the "pretty ramen unnie" was waiting for Yohan to finish classes with banana milk in her hand? Hey, if I had to guess, this is it. Jimin asked Yohan to the dance. Or Yohan beat her to it maybe? In their conversation. At the very least, I know two things: (1) Jimin wanted to ask Yohan to the dance and (2) Yohan and Jimin will be going to the dance together. Call it a hopeless romantic's intuition.
　　— Last one and the one that confused me the most: Jieqiong and Taehyung are going to the dance together. Jie told this to me in passing the other day, and that's great for them, but I wonder why he's not going with Dongmin? They seemed quite close at the lantern festival so I had a little bit of hope. Maybe I shouldn't have?

　That's all for today. Maybe I'll get more updates soon?

　x,
　　Hyewon.

《 dated: 24.03.2022 // thursday 》

today i broke down in the middle of the local supermarket and eunyoung found me, asked why i was crying and i didn’t know what to tell her but it was some ty excuse.

today i also realised, it’s okay to not be strong but not when you’re a mother of one.

goodnight diary, j.

✏ March 19th, 2022.

　Dear diary,

　I'm sorry I've been slacking on the diary entries. I've been preoccupied. I know it may sound like an excuse but... running the shop, helping grandma plan the dance, and making sure Bini doesn't isolate himself? It's a lot, to say the least.

　It's been three weeks since Bini's been back in town and I truly think his soul is healing, even if we're taking baby steps to get there. He sleeps soundly at night now and he goes out on his own sometimes, too, even if it is for a run. Like I said, even baby steps equate to progress. He mentioned something about reaching out to his former gym too, and I told him that's a great idea. It'd be nice for him to rekindle old friendships and meet new people. He's still the town's little superstar, and I'm sure it'd be a dream for some to box alongside him. Maybe I could ask him to visit the dojang too?

　The shop's been doing great lately. Sometimes I get emails asking if I plan to make it a franchise. It'd be nice to see Hyeppang spread far and wide, but don't want to do it if that means I'd have to leave Yeongwon for longer than I'd need to. There's a different side of me that comes out when I'm out and about in the big city, and sometimes I wonder if I'd want to come back if I did leave. It makes me feel guilty, so I don't think about it often.

　Anyways, like I mentioned, the annual April Affair is coming up. We're releasing the promotional flyers in a few days, so I can't wait to find out who's taking who. I'll come back and update you on it.

　Yeongwon's matchmaker signing off,
　　Hyewon.

《 dated: 22.03.2022 // tuesday 》

“ thought we were building a future, but we weren’t built to last. “ — past tense.

never felt like i related to a song this much. perhaps i shouldn’t have been naïve and thought things were meant to last anyway.

goodnight diary, j.

《 dated: 21.03.2022 // sunday 》

i’ve been staring at this set of suit laying on my bed all day. and maybe i should ask him to spring dance? .. haha, as a last gift?

goodnight diary, j.

《 dated: 18.03.2022 // friday 》

lately, i’ve been thinking, you know, about leaving? i don’t think i’ve ever told this to anyone. but i was thinking of bringing eunyoung to seoul, maybe get a job there.. there’ll be plenty right? and eunyoung can have city friends there.. perhaps go to a good school and learn something she likes rather, somewhere with far more better options than being stuck here.. in this little town, go out and see more of the world. she honestly deserves so much more. But honestly, this really isn’t about eunyoung, right, jiwoo? i’ve been wondering if changmin misses his parents a lot, and maybe its time for him to return to their side.. for good? somedays he has this longing look when he opens their letters. he doesn’t really need to stay by my side. i’ve been selfish.. far too selfish, for far too long. and you know, maybe it’ll be better for him to go back … settle with someone nicer? someone more be fitting of him? i’ve always pictured changmin with someone more quiet, with much more grace. and i’ll don’t think i’ll ever fit in that same family picture frame as him.. as much as i would like to. i don’t think i could ever be part of his world anyway.

just 2am thoughts.

goodnight diary, j.

[post deleted by owner]

❀『 03/22/2022 』: entry four.

i was going through my old phone and found my playlist from way long ago, i think this was when i was a junior in highschool. i had it play while i was arranging the shelves and it really threy me back in time, i still remember all the words (especially to the mariah carey songs MMMMM), i feel like a teenager again. < 3

signed,
jiejie.

[post deleted by owner]

3/19/22

maybe its because i miss making wine and i cant harvest these beautiful grapes until the summer that i've begun to make juice out of every fruit the townfolk have given me. i cant help it, im an expert at making beverages and i'm sure my grandmother would be proud of me. maybe i should consider expanding the business...but let me see if yoojung and jinsoul like these drinks first before i impulsively market new products.

3/18/22

finished the week off seamlessly. which is a surprise considering the allergy medicine has kept me in a daze for the past week – and while i blame the medicine, everybody else seems to disagree.

21032022

dear random notebook scrap i found in my bag,

i'm standing outside the dojang as we speak. i'm writing this to ease my nerves? will he appear?
i don't know.
i don't know !! do i want him to? i guess i do . . . but what if i chicken out when he does appear.
ugh!

the banana milk is getting warm.

19032022

i bought a little bonsai tree today. not sure what for . . . the florist did tell me they grow best under mildly warm temperature and since winter is slowly leaving us, i reckoned it was the best time. it's nice to have the tree up on my desk - almost like a little friend that accompanies me when the house gets a little too quiet.

19032022

dear diary,

remind me to wear proper kitchen gloves the next time i cook up some hot broth. i keep thinking my hands have grown thick enough callouses to just stand the heat like gramps but i am proven wrong . . . YET AGAIN. there's an ugly little burn in my palm now. . . i had to rush to the pharmacy for ointment.

you think the scar will disappear before i work up the courage?

Journal entry #3, March the 20th of 2022

It seems I'll be busy writing a lot. I have so many short stories I can make out of all the notes from the tattoo shop owner that I still haven't run out of things to write about after a week of near non-stop writing. I finally got around to writing in my journal now because I've slowed down a bit on story writing. I should head to the grocery store soon; I'm running low on food. I wonder if that shop owner would like a small lunch made for him? Is that a bit much? It probably is, the snacks are enough I think. Anyway, it was nice exploring downtown. I'll explore more when I start running low on ideas again. I should make a trip to see my family soon; I've been a hermit lately trying to write everything I can. I've finished 16 poems and three short stories, plus four more chapters of my upcoming novel to complete my fantasy series. I've been a little too productive, perhaps. Mother might scold me for working too hard. I'll take a break from writing tomorrow, I think.

03/15/22
one of the grannies had given me a crate of tomatoes earlier this week - and i did what i do best with fruits. i made a beverage out of it. tomato juice really does taste the best after working hard in the fields, although my friends dont seem to see the appeal. oh well, theyre missing out!

03/15/22
overheard some of the dojang students talk about when their heart flutters. it made me wonder when my heart first fluttered. i must have been their age, a year into middle school. i think...it was when yooji came to cheer me on during a particularly difficult match. must have been around this time of the year too when it started getting warmer. i wonder if she remembers that day as well.

[ 03.19.2022 ]
• dear, diary...
↳ it's a fact that I haven't been in this town for a long time. they're all still the same and I couldn't help myself but be relieved of it, heh. also, I missed watching the sunsets and sunrises. I'll prepare an alarm to remind myself to see them again.

[ 03.19.2022 ]
• dear, diary...
↳ it feels as if I haven't written here for a while. anyway, I wanted to write something short... I've been thinking about my mom- my real mom. I wonder what made her leave me in the first place. I only hope that she's well wherever she is.

17032022

still recovering but at least i've regained my sense of smell. an unclogged nose is truly a privilege that i take for granted.

17032022

i know there's almost half a month away . . or really, a month away

so is it crazy that i'm thinking about it now?

❀『 03/17/2022 』: entry three.

i'm a little bummed. my shipment for a really fragile item (read: REALLY fragile, like a black fine china set) has been frozen for two weeks now, it should have arrived here just a little after i've arrived back at yeongwon but it's taking so so long. i'm kinda worried that something must've happened to it, it was a really expensive order too. fingers crossed it's all okay.

signed,
jiejie.

[ 16/03/2022 ]

to be born as a flower in my next life,
i’ll return and linger around you

—

seunggu called just to tell me that what i’m doing is suicide to my career. like i didn’t already know that. what an idiot. i already have seven missed calls on my phone since this morning and i’m seriously considering just turning my phone off for the time being, even if by doing so that would be me asking for trouble with management. but i just want to be left alone.

though i’m starting to get a bit restless, i can tell. time moves in slow motion here. this morning i went out for a run and didn’t stop until my legs threatened to give out on me. i should get in contact with my old gym and see if we could work something out, i can’t afford to get too out of shape. and i miss it, the aching muscles and pure adrenaline, the only music that i need then is the steadfast thrumming of my own heart beating in my ears. it’s been far too quiet as of late.

but even so yeongwon isn’t so bad, btw. i used to hate it here, you know? if it wasn’t for my grandparents or woni, i would’ve never set foot back here. but it’s not so bad. maybe this time, i could even learn to love it.

what would i even do without hyewon? i’m convinced that the sun shines through her.


khb