⁝ choi estate.

@✿ choi sunyoung Jinseok knew he was doomed. Because kissing Sunyoung hadn't changed, hadn't ceased to ignite him with the flames of desire he had tried to fend off so desperately. He knew this moment would come back to haunt him later, would come back to break him if worst came to worst and he could not top the scale of his heart in one direction or the other, or destroy it altogether. And as much as he wanted to pull away from her lips, he just couldn't. He was a slave to his own desires, to his own emotions and he knew that one word from her could be enough to bring it down to his knees. It felt as if she was trying to devour him, kissing him with such force, it made his head spin, the air right from his lungs and making him feel as if he was under water.

Why couldn't she just be angry at him the same way he was angry at her? Jinseok didn't want her tenderness, didn't want the gentle way she was speaking to him, asking him not to go. He wanted to be under her skin the same way he was under hers, devouring her from the inside out. The thought irked him enough to reach up again with one hand, cupping the back of her neck instead and pulling her back in at the same time his other hand grasped her by the hip and pushed her backwards until she hit the wall of the house, his body pressing into her space something wicked and unforgiving.

"I won't", he rasped out against her lips, the hand on her hip sliding down and wrapping around the plushness of her thigh. "But if you think this is us, making love... I don't think you're right about this one, Sunyoung. For once, I think you're wrong."

@❀ choi jinseok sunyoung had only taken a few steps away when jinseok’s sudden movement caught her off guard. she felt herself being spun around, her body instinctively turning to face him. before she could react, his hand was on her shoulder and face, his lips on hers. as jinseok's touch sparked a cascade of emotions within her, sunyoung found herself swept up in the intensity of the moment. his kiss was both familiar and electrifying, igniting a fire within her that she had long tried to extinguish.

when they finally broke apart, sunyoung's heart was racing, her breath coming in short gasps. she looked into jinseok's eyes, seeing a reflection of her own desire and longing. "you've always been a mystery to me," she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. "but right now, all I want is to unravel that mystery."

with a newfound boldness, sunyoung leaned in and kissed him again, her lips meeting his with a hunger that surprised them both. In that moment, she knew that she wanted him, that she needed him in a way she had never fully understood before. her fingers fleeted to the sides of his face and up into his hair, inching closer and closer as if to close the gap of time that was wasted spent apart.

when they finally pulled apart, sunyoung's head was spinning, her heart pounding in her chest. she looked at jinseok, a smile playing on her lips.

"please stay. don’t go," she said softly, her voice filled with warmth and affection.

@✿ choi sunyoung She might as well have stabbed him, her words feeling like a knife used to gut him right then and there. Just because they were true didn't mean they hurt any less. Was a chance at happiness really walking from each other? Was that it? Jinseok had thought that walking away was the solution. Twice. And both times had only served to hurt him further, the damage dealth nearly irreversible. Could they ever let each other go? If Sunyoung hadn't been able to do it either, how could Jinseok do it? But his heart was torn, twisted around this new love and an old one he still held dear so deeply inside of him.

Sunyoung turned as if someone had slowed down time or turned into thick molasses, his hands falling limply to his sides as he watched, mouth opening and closing around nothing. No words came out of him in that moment, all of them finally having dried up. After all this time, she still didn't understand /why/ he had chosen to walk away from her back then. Did it matter? To him, it had. Asking her to marry him and for her to tell him that she wasn't ready yet... that meant she wasn't ready to give up the possibility of someone better coming into her life. Someone of the same status. Someone, who didn't carry around his failed dreams like ghosts on his shoulders.

Jinseok knew he had come here for closure. For some kind of explanation. For some kind of /hope/ and redemption - or the final cut that would sever the damned bond they still shared and that kept pulling them back together over and over. Still, it pulled.

With such force, he moved before his mind had caught up, spinning her around by one shoulder and capturing the side of her face in a large palm as he surged forward, his lips finding her with such ease, it was almost scary. Because he hadn't kissed her in so long and yet it came to him as second nature. She would have every right to punch him. Knee him in the balls. But if this was her final goodbye to him, he might as well doom himself forever.

@❀ choi jinseok in the dim-lit garden, sunyoung faced jinseok, her heart heavy with frustration and longing. his words cut deep, revealing the depth of his pain and inner turmoil. she could see the conflict in his eyes, the struggle to reconcile his feelings for her with the reality of their situation. sunyoung felt her own emotions bubbling to the surface. why couldn't they find peace? why did their love have to be so complicated, so fraught with pain and regret? she wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but she knew that their wounds ran too deep for simple words or gestures to heal.

as jinseok spoke, his voice filled with anguish and despair, sunyoung felt her resolve waver. she had come here seeking closure, hoping to finally move on from the past. but now, faced with the raw intensity of their emotions, she realized that letting go would be far more difficult than she had ever imagined. his grip on her shoulder should have startled her, though her body set aflame in response to his mere touch.

"i..." sunyoung's voice caught in , her words failing her. she wanted to tell jinseok that she understood, that she shared his pain. but how could she, when she was the cause of so much of his suffering? but then again, he left her. “/you/ left me! i said i wasn’t ready and /you/ left. do not put the entire blame on me. we could have waited longer.” she responds, a tear slipping down her cheek as she pointed her finger upon his chest.

for a moment, they stood in silence, the weight of their unspoken words hanging heavy in the air. sunyoung knew that they had reached a crossroads, a moment that would define the course of their future. she could choose to hold on to the past, to the love that had once consumed them both. or she could choose to let go, to release jinseok from the chains of their shared history and allow him to find peace.

taking a deep breath, sunyoung shook her head. "I don't know if I can ever truly let you go," she whispered, her voice barely above a whisper. "but I know that I can't continue to hold on to the past. we both deserve a chance at happiness, even if it means we have to find it apart.” her hands curl around his, prying them from her shoulders. “you clearly don’t want to be here. you know how to leave if that’s what you wish.”

with those words, sunyoung turned and walked away, her heart heavy with the weight of her decision. she didn't know what the future held, but she knew that she had made the right choice. for both of them.

@✿ choi sunyoung Why? Why, oh why, could she not let him go? Why could he not let /her/ go? Had he been such a cruel man in his past life that now, in this one, he had to be torn in half right down the middle until there was nothing left of him but the beating heart in his chest, the air that was stuttering out of his lungs, exhaled in a shaky sigh that made his fingers loosen their hold on her wrist. For a moment, the lump in his throat nearly prevented him from breathing in again, before he in a deep breath, his eyes flickering back and forth between hers. The hardest part of it all was knowing... knowing that she meant every single word she said. She always had, yet that also meant she had been speaking her truth when she had refused to marry him. And marriage was the only way they could have ever been together. No more sneaking around. No more kisses, stolen in the dark.

"But you did", he whispered back at her, finally pushing her hand away and grasping her by the shoulders instead, not shaking her or pushing her away, simply pinning her in place the same way his lingering feelings for her had pinned him in place ever since he had walked away from her. "You did! You forgot. You said it yourself, just now. I never did, Sunyoung. Don't you understand? I couldn't forget, no matter what I did. Everything turned to ash in my hands, my mouth, my mind."
But she was right and he hated that, too. Hated how his heart had beaten faster when he had opened her letter, when he had read all those words. No, when he had seen her in the gardens. He hadn't walked away. And he had come here out of his own free will. Sunyoung had never made him do anything - it had all been him. She hadn't asked him to propose to her. Hadn't asked him to walk away from her, after. It had /all/ been him. Always. And while he had hoped it would make it better... would make the pain go away, it was as if he had poured salt into an open wound. He blamed her, when in reality he should blame himself, just as it had always been meant to be.

He chuckled, wry and cruel, the sound more an exhale of grief than anything else. "I even thought about you while I was with another woman, until she was able to rip you right out of my soul. For that /one/ moment I was free of you." A pause, his eyes closing, his lips thinning until he was able to look at her again, his eyes dark as they locked onto hers. "Why can't you just hate me, Sunyoung? It would free me. She... she deserved better than to give her body to me while I was thinking about never being able to forget about you."

@❀ choi jinseok in the dimly lit garden, sunyoung stood facing jinseok, her heart a tumultuous storm of emotions. she had known this meeting would bring back memories, but she hadn't expected the intensity of the feelings that now engulfed her. his presence before her now, so achingly familiar yet distant, stirred a whirlwind of conflicting emotions within her.

sunyoung felt tears prickle at the corners of her eyes. she had missed him, desperately so. but it wasn't just his touch she longed for; it was the way he made her feel alive, the way he understood her in a way no one else ever had. “i missed your touch," she began, her voice barely a whisper. "but I missed so much more, jinseok. i missed the way you made me laugh, the way you held me when the world felt like it was crumbling around us. i missed your presence, your essence that felt like home to me."

her words hung in the air, heavy with unspoken truths and unshed tears. she knew that their love had been complicated, that their paths had diverged in ways neither of them could have predicted. but deep down, she still harbored a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, they could find their way back to each other. sunyoung felt a lump form in . she didn't have a simple answer to his question. all she knew was that seeing him again had stirred something deep within her, something she had thought long buried.

"i don't know, jinseok," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "i don't know why fate has brought us back together like this. but i do know one thing: i loved you then, and i love you still. the past may be stained, but our love...our love was real. i had forgotten…” she trailed off, looking at the hand that remained upon his softened skin. “how much i had loved you until i saw you today. i still do. it hasn’t gone away.”

sunyoung looked into jinseok's intense eyes, searching for any sign of understanding or forgiveness. she knew their path forward would be difficult, but she was willing to try if he was. she took a step closer to him, her heart pounding in her chest, silently pleading for a second chance.

“but also, jinseok - i might add that i did not make you come here. if you do wish to leave then you may, although i would not want you to.”

@✿ choi sunyoung Hell had a name and it was love. Because looking at her right now, Jinseok knew that he had loved her deeply. So deeply indeed, that his chest hurt looking at her, as if her ethereal beauty was the sword he should throw himself into. He had forsaken his honor once to love her, to be loved by her. He had shaped his hope into a weapon and then had used it to cut himself open for it. Was this what love meant? Or was he sick in the head and all he had wanted was to love her in order to disobey his father? Blood was the chain that bound and Sunyoung had always been out of his reach. He had asked her to be his wife despite his father's refusal to give him his blessing. Had he done it to defy , or because he had loved her? Maybe still loved her, never would stop loving her.

He had been wishing upon a star, then her name - until he had cursed her, cursed himself, cursed the blood running through his veins. Right now, seeing her, hearing her say all of these things and feeling her touch against his face, he was unraveling. Slowly but surely. And it hurt.

After all this time... he came back.

"Don't say it", he gritted out somehow, his face twisting into a mask of anger and the deepest, most instinctual pain he had ever felt in his entire life. Not even his body getting crushed beneath his horse had hurt as much as this. He was standing in front of her, frozen in place and time, his hand coming up to curl his fingers around her wrist, unsure if he wanted to slap her fingers away, or make her touch linger. "Don't apologize and then tell me you missed me at night. Did you miss my body? Did you miss the way I was holding you? Because /I/ missed all the other things, Sunyoung. I missed your touch, because you were the only one I didn't shy away from. I missed having your hand in mine, seeing you smile, hearing you laugh. And now you make me come here, only to tell me you only miss the way I had to sneak into your rooms like a criminal? Don't. Don't do that to me. I lost my heart to you , then I lost /you/. Why? Why, after all this time? Why /now/?"

@❀ choi jinseok in the shadows where memories linger, sunyoung stood, her gaze fixed on jinseok. the weight of his words hung heavy in the air, swirling around them like a dance of ghosts from their past. her heart ached at the sight of him, the pain etched into the lines of his face, the uncertainty in his eyes. she had not meant to hurt him, not then, not now. but fate had a cruel way of twisting their paths, entwining them in a tapestry of love and loss.

"i never meant to cause you pain, jinseok," she whispered, her voice barely a breath. "when i... i just wasn't ready. i wanted you still, but i was not ready to marry. i only wanted to set things right tonight, to find a way for us to move forward. even if it means apart."

the silence stretched between them, heavy with unspoken words and unfinished stories. sunyoung reached out a hand, as if to touch him, to bridge the gap between them. but she hesitated, her fingers curling back, a silent plea for forgiveness. "i understand if you can't forgive me," she said, her voice trembling. "but please know that i will always long for you, and will always carry your heart with mine, no matter where our paths may lead." tears welled up in sunyoung's eyes as she looked at him, awaiting a response that did not come. she felt the weight of their shared history pressing down on her, the ache of what was left of their love lingering like a bittersweet melody.

"i'm so sorry, jinseok," she whispered into the night, her words a soft lament. a part of her had never stopped loving him, even when she thought it was the right thing to do. she finds confidence for a sliver of a second and takes two steps forward as if making up for the steps that he'd taken back, the letter he'd sent slipping from her fingers to allow the pads of them to run over his cheek. "i can't tell you how many nights i have longed for you, wished to see you here again. i... i wish to make it up to you, if you would allow me the chance to do so." her knuckles curl beneath his chin, eyes swimming in the sea of his own.

"after all this time... you came back."

@✿ choi sunyoung Jinseok had been blindsided by everything labeled 'Sunyoung' inside his head, one too many times. First, it had been the visceral surge of the strength of his feelings when he had started courting her, longing for her every single second of his day. Then, it had been her refusal to marry him, leaving a hole inside his chest where his demons got in. And they had ripped him to shreds until there had been nothing left of him but petty bitterness. Jinseok /wanted/ to be petty. He wanted to be bitter. And yet he was still standing right in front of her, having followed her call without so much as a second thought. Only to be blindsided again.
Because there she was, as beautiful as ever, her hair flowing open around her face and shoulders like ink and black silk and Jinseok suddenly felt that hole in his chest reopen with such force, he felt dizzy with it.

And Jinseok took a step back, instead of forward.

Because what else could he do, to not be brought to his knees by the remnants of affection he still felt for her? Now, right here, without the danger of people seeing or hearing them speak, he wasn't sure what side would win. Would it be his anger? His broken heart and all the darkness he was festering in? Or would it be that tiny shred of his soul that still longed for her as horrible as ever?

"I didn't think I'd come, either", he said slowly, his fingers flexing by his sides, opening and closing several times. He suddenly wished he was wearing his usually wide chima jeogori, instead of the tighter fitting, dark blue coat he had thrown over himself as he had left the clinic in a rush. It left him feeling exposed, no matter how much warmer it kept him at night. "I didn't think I'd even reply to your letter, truth be told", Jinseok continued then, shaking his head at himself with a sigh. "You can't just send me a letter like that and not expect... not expect it to hurt, Sunyoung."

@❀ choi jinseok sunyoung’s heart danced a tumultuous waltz as she lingered in the shadows of the spot where she and jinseok used to meet – or, where he used to sneak to – which was just outside her bedroom chamber. her nightgown whispered against the floor, her hair a cascade of moonlit curls down the expanse of her back. the letter, a lifeline of hope and despair, was clutched tightly in her hands, its weight a reminder of the fragile moment hanging in the air. what if jinseok didn’t come? what if this was the end, not of their love, but the possibility of it?

memories flooded her mind, swirling like petals caught in a whirlwind. she remembered jinseok, a daring thief of moments, scaling the walls with a heart brimming with excitement that matched her very own, his laughter a melody that danced in the shadows of the miniature garden. but tonight, the shadows felt heavier, the miniature garden silent, as if holding its breath.

the letter, oh, the letter – as her eyes scanned over it, it was a confession, a plea, a silent scream into the void. she could see that he had bared his soul, laid it bare on parchment, hoping against hope for a response that would bring solace or closure, or perhaps reignite the flame that flickered but never died.

lost in her thoughts, she didn’t hear the shift of the greenery shielding her bedroom chamber or the weight of his body slipping over it, as though seemingly done with muscle memory. it was only when she heard her name, a whispered prayer, that she looked up, her eyes falling on jinseok. she in a breath, surprised that he had come. after everything that she had done, he had come. “sunyoung?” his voice was a whisper, a breath of wind that stirred the stillness of the night. she stood frozen, her heart pounding in her chest, unsure of what to say, unsure if the words could capture the storm of emotions raging within her.

“jinseok,” she finally whispered, her voice barely audible above the thudding of her heart. she took a step towards him and out of the shadows, her eyes searching his face, searching for answers, for a sign of what was to come. he stood before her, his gaze intense, his eyes seemingly searching hers. and in that moment, as their eyes locked, sunyoung knew that whatever came next, it would be a turning point, a moment that would shape the rest of their lives.

“I didn’t think you would come.”

@✿ choi sunyoung There had been a time when Jinseok had climbed the walls surrounding the Choi estate with a pounding heart that was bleeding excitement. He had felt like a young lad, sneaking through the gardens and to where he knew Sunyoung was waiting for him in her rooms, barely containing laughter of joy and giddiness as he hid in the shadows of trees and the rustling of the winds sweeping over the lush greenery and all those beautiful flowers. Now, as he found the familiar spot where the wall was swooping low beneath caving earth, his climb aided by a stack of carelessly placed crates, he felt like a thief. One that came to pluck all those pretty flowers, instead of a daredevil who had come to steal a heart. Steal a kiss. Steal an embrace from the woman who was as out of his reach as the moon.

It had taken him a couple months to realize that her otherworldly light was nothing more than the moon's reflection on the pond of golden fish in her very own garden. A mirage, glittering on water, not out of reach and easily shattered with a careless touch. Not because Sunyoung was cold as the silver light. But because Jinseok had been the cat, batting at the water, rippling it.

Her letter was sitting like hot smoke in his lungs, like molten gold in his veins, something akin to rage bubbling so deeply inside his stomach, he could have mistaken it for longing. But was it not? Was he not longing for her - no matter if it was because he could not shoulder the shame, or because he had never stopped gazing at the sky, asking himself those horrible two words, over and over again. What if? Did it truly matter? To him, it didn't.

The anger, the rage, the desperation felt cozy. He had worn them for so long, they had fit themselves to him like a second skin. And Jinseok hit the ground running, this time. With a sigh, he stopped beneath the shadow of the roof where he had always stood, waiting for her, his heart withering on a beat or two. Had this been nothing but a trap? To see if she still had power over him even through ink on paper?

"Sunyoung?"